Believe it or not, many of the seemingly random, crazy things I write about are inspired by events in my own life. I’d give you specific examples, but numerous lawyers have threatened me with legal action if I ever do so.

Okay, I’ll give you one example.

The world-renowned piece I wrote last October, Halloween Skankitis, was inspired by a co-worker. She is my age and has the exact same job I do. She works in one department (at a location ten minutes away) while I work in another, but we have the same boss and work for the same team. Got all that? Okay, good.

Well, last Halloween this co-worker showed up to work dressed as either a “naughty police officer” or a “stripper dressed like a police officer.” I’m not sure there is a difference in these two costumes. I would have asked, but that would have required me talking to her.

I’m a laid-back guy, but no way was I going to be able to walk up to someone wearing a very low-cut top, a very short black skirt, and a police badge held onto the top of her thigh by a garter belt and NOT asked bluntly: “What in the name of all that is good and holy are you wearing??”

I would describe her outfit as classy, if today was opposite day.

Call me crazy, but when you work with people primarily in the 50s and 60s and their idea of “dressing up for Halloween” is coming to work looking like a M&M candy, it is more than a little inappropriate to come to work looking as though you just finished your shift at the local strip club.

I know. I’m crazy.

But anyway, that is what inspired Halloween Skankitis.

Amazingly, this co-worker just left our company for another. Somehow, inexplicably, she’s gotten a job in senior management.

My reaction to the news was obvious: “You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me.”

So as to not cause you to believe I consider this former co-worker of mine unfit for her new position based solely on her Halloween exploits, allow me to provide you with some additional information.

She was incompetent.

Two years ago, I shared an office with her for an entire month. Needless to say, you learn a lot about someone by sharing an office with them for a month. And what did I learn? Why, I’m glad you asked. I learned that she spends one third of her day on the phone making personal calls, another third of her day taking smoke and coffee breaks, and the last third of her day talking to co-workers who drop by her office for a visit.

“Wait, when does she get any work done,” you ask?

Good question. The answer is, “beats me.” After that month, it became perfectly clear to me why the project she was working on was so far behind schedule.

Oh, but that’s not to say we didn’t bond. If there wasn’t a coffee/smoke break to be taken, a personal phone call to be made or a co-worker dropping by for a visit, she’d talk to me. Oh, and what precious moments we shared.

For example, there’s the time she vented how she hoped the new person our boss was going to hire wasn’t too qualified because, and I quote, “no way am I working with someone who makes more money than me.”

Or the time she talked about the guy she used to date and the guy she was currently seeing. And all of the insanely inappropriate bits of information, information that caused my ears to bleed, that were shared regarding each individual.

Ah, good times.

But anyway, yes, this person now has a job that would essentially make her my boss’s boss.

Bitter? Jealous? Nah. Why should I be bitter and jealous? She played the game and won. I watched her play the game, wrote silly blog posts critiquing her, and then sat by stupefied as she moved on to bigger and better things.

It’s a lesson to be learned. That’s what it is.

If I want to move up the corporate ladder, it’s clear what I have to do: I have to mimic everything she did.

I don’t want to give away what I’ll be wearing this Halloween, but let’s just say leather chaps will be involved.