It was recently relayed to me that it almost sounds like the motive for these recent goals of mine (to date I’ve discussed getting into shape and dressing sharper) is to win the role of James Bond whenever it again becomes available. You can probably guess my response:

“Don’t be silly. I don’t speak in a British accent. However, if the time comes where they re-imagine the character of James Bond to one with a southern accent, I would consider it. This is contingent, of course, on the money being right and the movie’s script being acceptable. I don’t want to be in some mindless action flick. I want to really get down into what makes Bond tick.”

Wait, where was I going with this? Oh yes.

Goals.

This next goal I will discuss may or may not substantiate the silly “Kev wants to be Bond” rumor that, for the purpose of this blog post, I will pretend is real and actually being pondered by people in this world.

My latest goal? I’m working on my posture.

That clicking sound I am pretending not to hear far off into the distance is all of you leaving this site to go to something, anything else. I am aware “posture” isn’t exactly a funny or sexy topic. But to that I ask, “why?” Why can’t “posture” be funny and sexy? I think it can. In fact, I know it can and I’m going to prove it. Ready? No, seriously, are you ready?

(Begin the funny, sexy posture blog.)

Gwyneth Paltrow slouches. Paris Hilton slouches. That annoying kid I went to school with in junior high slouches. What do all these people have in common? (Yes, I mean besides the fact they all slouch.) That’s right. They are all as annoying as heck and the world would be a far better place without them.

The moral? No one likes a person who slouches.

Now, I must admit I have, to date, been very hit or miss with proper posture during my lifetime. When I was twelve years old, I was already 5′8 with a size 12 shoe. The fact I towered over everyone around me caused me to develop an awful slouching habit. Thankfully, since I had mostly stopped growing by that point, my perceived need to slouch disappeared through the years as friends caught up to me (and in some cases surpassed me) in height.

(Of course, my feet refuse to listen to reason. After settling comfortably into “size 13″ for a decade plus, my feet have gotten the bright idea to grow some more. I tried on my brown leather Ralph Lauren loafers — one of the few items I own that was going to survive this fashion makeover of mine — and they don’t fit me anymore! I need a shoehorn just to get into the things. Stupid feet. Stupid, stupid feet. What’s that? I’m rambling? And rambling isn’t funny or sexy? Sorry.)

Still, even though I’ve mostly gotten over it, I’m not immune to slouching. I’ll occasionally catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and notice I’m not standing up straight. And I know when I’m sitting down at a table or desk I almost always lean forward instead of sitting back in my chair.

Why does this even matter?

It’s all about confidence. A person with poor posture doesn’t exude confidence. No one notices the guy with poor posture. The only time anyone does notice a guy with poor posture is when they say things like, “You see that handsome, tall guy standing next to that lonely-looking guy who is slouching?”

When I’m at my best, I exhibit the qualities of an individual who is comfortable in his skin. An individual who acts like he knows something you do not. An individual you better befriend because one day he might take over the world and you’ll want to be on his good side.

Unfortunately, as time has gone by those moments have become few and far between.

It’s time to remedy that.

What good is it to do all the work of getting into shape and buying a new, fashionably-savvy wardrobe if I don’t look comfortable or confident? People will think I’m a body that’s been taken over by an alien. And then I’d have to walk around saying “I’m not an alien” to everyone I see, which would only strengthen the “he’s an alien” theory. And then the government would capture me and run experiements on me, and you just know they won’t bother to feed me healthy foods or give me at least one hour a day to exercise. Stupid, inconsiderate government. And then all that hard work to get into shape will be for naught and I’ll have to start all over. And that’s assuming the government eventually releases me, of course.

So, to ensure the government never believes I’m an alien, I’m working on my posture.

I’m making sure I stand up straight when I walk. When I sit at my desk at work or when I’m in my car driving, I make sure to sit with my back and shoulders to the seat. I’m doing back, stomach and shoulder exercises — which helps with the posture and get-into-shape goals.

True, this isn’t a tangible goal with a finish line. But it does go hand in hand with my other stated goals. Plus, given the fact none of the girls in our class liked that annoying guy who slouched in junior high, I’m pretty sure having good posture significantly increases the odds of getting a date.

And if that doesn’t work, I’m willing to learn a British accent.