It probably would have made more sense for me to join the Twitter bandwagon and advertise it here on SKOS back when the site was popular and I had more than three regular readers.

But what can I say — I’m unconventional. I cut my hair short in the winter, I’ve never before eaten a PB&J sandwich, and I waited ten years to watch Titanic just so I could steer clear of the masses.

(I totally predicted how the movie was going to end, by the way. Unsinkable ship my hiney!)

Still, poor timing aside, I’ve decided to give this Twitter thing a go. That is why I have decided to dedicate an entire blog post to advertising my Twitter account and — hopefully — convincing my insanely tiny audience to follow me.

What’s in it for you, you ask? Why, by following me on Twitter you will get a steady supply of thought-provoking gems of insight. Just take a look at some of things I’ve Tweeted lately:

I’m beginning to think this swine flu thing is an advertising gimic from the pork people. I’ve got to give them credit — it’s a bold move.

For the first time in ages today, I ordered a steak to eat. I feel manly. Tomorrow I’ll buy Stetson cologne and poke a bear with a stick.

My pool’s almost ready. I’m gonna get in Michael Phelps shape. Or at least Michael Keaton, circa Batman.

Vegan advocates want warning labels on hot dogs. My suggestion? “Warning: These are delicious. You will want seconds.”

Why do some people brag about being “color blind?” Being unable to tell if you’re eating Fruit Loops or Cheerios is nothing to brag about!

Either Michael Jackson’s corpse has risen from the dead, or we’ve hired a new 50ish female at my work. Michael? Is that you?

Okay, the new co-worker is NOT Michael Jackson’s reanimated corpse. Showed her a Macaulay Culkin photo and got no reaction. Only screams.

If I was dyslexic, I’d have 82 followers on Twitter. And if I was blind, I could pretend the number was even larger.

The TV show “Perfect Strangers” should never have been canceled. There. I said it.

Seat belts are so antiquated. I cover myself in iPods when I drive.

Water would taste so much better if it didn’t taste like water.

(Things That Are Annoying) Any “Family Matters” episode where Urkel would turn into Stefan Urquelle. Also, any other “Family Matters” episode.

A bat almost flew into my head while I was swimming. Close call. That’s what killed Val Kilmer, if memory serves.

Ashton Kutcher has almost 3 million (Twitter) followers. In related news, rivers are flowing with blood and frogs are falling from the sky.

I’d bathe in coffee if it was socially acceptable. And if I was insane.

If George Washington was on Twitter, I do believe he would follow me.

Half my department is out of the office today. You know what that means. Time to blast the Kenny G music.

I’ve picked up FIVE whole new followers this week. Clearly, my witty and sage insight on life has hit home with the masses.

Aren’t these absolutely wonderful?

Don’t you wish you had gotten to experience them when they were fresh and their relevancy hadn’t been eroded by the evil witch known as Time?

Unfortunately, you cannot go back in time and experience these above Tweets in their glory days. However, you CAN ensure the sorrow and despair you’re feeling right now is never repeated.

How?

By following me.

Come on, you know you want to. Don’t let the ridiculously low number of followers I currently have on Twitter deter you. Think of this as a hot stock tip on a small company that hasn’t yet hit it big. Yeah, that’s it. I’m like Apple or Microsoft way back in the day.

And I’m almost as funny.