I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Ladies…
Is the man in your life a bit too smug about his looks? Would you like to take him down a peg or two?
Did he forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste or do something else as equally annoying? Are you hoping to teach him a lesson?
Are you an evil succubus who likes to bring about pain and torture?
If any of the above describes you or your situation, have I got the perfect gift for you…
Neutrogena for Men Skin Clearing Shave Cream!
What is it, you ask?
In short, it is pure concentrated evil. It will destroy your man’s face.
Destroy it.
Annihilate it.
Make it cry for its mommy.
It will make the skin on your man’s face literally scream out in pain. Neighbors will be able to hear it. They’ll say, “Either Tom and Amy are skinning a goat inside their home, or Amy bought Tom some of that Neutrogena shave cream.”
And then the two neighbors will laugh before the husband catches his reflection in a mirror and sees the damage left behind after his wife had given him Neutrogena for Men Skin Clearing Shave Cream several years earlier. His wife will see a tear slowly start to roll down his cheek and she’ll say, “That’s what you get for forgetting to bring home milk from the grocery store.”
You’re probably asking yourself:
“How on earth can I get my husband/boyfriend to use this stuff if it’s so evil?”
Well, that’s the beauty of it. It looks perfectly normal and innocent. Plus, apparently evil corporations such as Neutrogena have wonderfully evil advertising executives working for them.
The packaging for this product boasts that it “fights razor bumps and minimizes ingrown hairs.” Neutrogena’s website says the shave cream’s formula of “glycerin and moisturizers form a protective barrier between your face and razor to minimize irritation and provide a great shave.”
But I assure you that these are lies.
Dirty, dirty lies.
If it does prevent ingrown hairs, it’s only because the hairs — as well as several layers of skin — are hacked away in a bloody mess by the razor. And I don’t know what glycerin really does, but based on using this product I can assure you it doesn’t provide a protective barrier between your face and your razor. On the countrary, I believe glycerin very well may enhance the razor’s sharpness and turn it into medieval torture device.
“I’m sold! Where can I find this horrible, horrible product?”
Everywhere! Neutrogena for Men Skin Clearing Shave Cream is sold at Wal-Mart, Target, Walgreens, and pretty much any other place that offers more than a few brands of shaving products for sell. You’d think finding such an evil product would be difficult, but I assure you it’s not.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go get it!
And if you REALLY want to teach him a lesson, hide his after-shave balm and replace it with a bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Supposedly, women find a man who cries endearing. So, in a way, this gift will make your man more attractive. And honestly, what better gift can you give a guy than that?
You’re welcome, fellas.
