Despite my lack of blog updates this month, I am still quite alive. I know many (ha!) of you were worried, but you may take solace in the knowledge that if I ever DO die you won’t be left wondering — you will hear all about it on the news.

I’m thinking a headline along the lines of “Awesome Man Dies While Saving Thousands” or “Nation Weeps After Death of Awesome Man” or “Jennifer Connelly Mourns the Death of New, Awesome Husband.”

Anyway, I’m still here. I just haven’t had much to blog about lately.

Well, I mean I DO have lots to blog about. I just don’t have anything HUMOROUS to blog about. And this IS a humor site, right? Right? No, seriously, I’m asking. It’s been so long since I blogged that I don’t remember.

To those genuinely interested and not just here to be entertained, I’m doing well. Work is good. Family is good. I’m making great progress on those “goals” I kept blogging about last month. I’m not certain anything will come of them once I reach them, but that’s okay. I’m bettering myself and enjoying the journey immensely. When I get to the other side, I’ll be a better man and ready to take the world by storm.

I’ve been lax the last few days, but I AM supplying tiny nuggets of comedic genius on my Twitter page several times a day. Have you signed up and followed me yet? No? Well, that’s just silliness on your part. Just look at some of the gems you’ve missed the last few weeks:

Is Pauly Shore on Twitter? In case I’m ever on trial, I’d like to get my insanity defense ready. Following him should do the trick.

I just squished a spider crawling on my wall. At least now no one can say I have no artwork in my office.

Yahoo headline: “Kevin Federline’s weight gain shocks fans.” You know what I find shocking? That Kevin Federline has any fans.

I think Dane Cook or Ashton Kutcher should play the Joker in the next Batman movie. Why? Oh, I have my reasons. (insert evil laugh)

I’ve studied the film & I believe the reason Elmer Fudd couldn’t kill Bugs Bunny is due to a traumatic childhood experience involving Peeps.

I’m now up to 44 (Twitter) followers! I’m so pleased. This must be how Ferdinand Magellan felt after he did whatever it was he did.

It’s rained on and off all day. Methinks someone in Heaven is trying to figure out a mystery light switch in a golden hallway.

What did people do before bottled water? Our water cooler is empty and people are starting to panic and cry. Can you drink tears?

I have mushrooms growing in my yard. It must be my lucky day. I was going to buy mushrooms at the grocery store later.

I loathe meetings, but I love napping. I’m so conflicted.

Ugh. I have a meeting at ten o’clock. I hope Bill Clinton comes in and rescues me.

“I don’t wanna work. I wanna bang on the drum all day.” I don’t get this song. Who would want to bang on a drum all day? It’s stupid.

First Transformers, now G.I. Joe. I hope a female Hollywood producer doesn’t get the bright idea to bring back Rainbow Brite.

Wal-Mart and Miley Cyrus have joined forces? I’m no historian, but isn’t this how World War Two began?

Calvin Klein should create a “New Car Smell” fragrance for vehicles. Febreze Air Freshener is okay, but it just isn’t classy enough.

Gold, right? Yes, yes I know.

Okay, that’s all I have for now. Comments are still encouraged, by the way. After all, “A comment a day keeps the Grim Reaper away.” So, best to leave me lots of comments, people. You wouldn’t want my death to be on your hands, right?

Right?