I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.

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Universities Implement Wicked Policies; The Evil Master is Pleased
September 30, 2009
Blog, Fake News
2

MEDFORD, MASSACHUSETTS – On the heels of Tufts University’s decision to ban students from having sex in dorms if their roommates are present, colleges and universities all over the country have begun implementing the controversial policy.

To date, eighty-seven schools, a majority located in either California or the northeastern region of the United States, have implemented the “no sex in front of your roommate” policy.

“It’s about showing respect,” said Damien Thorn, spokesman for Tufts University as well as Lucifer, the evil master of Hell and tempter of mankind.

“If you want to have illicit sex, fine. If you want to shake your fist at God as you have sex out of wedlock with a stranger you only met ten minutes earlier in the parking lot, that’s your prerogative. And if you want to do all that while praising the evil master, wonderful.

“But for crying out loud, don’t do it in front of your roommate.”

In addition to the no-sex policy, schools have begun implementing additional “not in front of your roommate” policies.

New York University and Boston University, among others, have implemented a “do not convert your dorm into a methamphetamine lab in front of your roommate” policy. The universities of Ohio and Washington have implemented a “do not worship pagan gods in front of your roommate” policy. The University of Alabama has implemented a “do not steal from your roommate in front of your roommate” policy. And the University of Southern California has recently implemented a “do not murder anyone in front of your roommate” policy — a policy that has drawn the ire of USC alumnus, OJ Simpson.

“Look, we’re not trying to tell students how to live their lives,” explains Thorn.

“We have no desire to teach them morality. We don’t want to be their moral compass. Far, far from it. If anything, Tufts University, as well as most universities all over this country, if I’m being perfectly honest, wants to take that moral compass, spit on it and throw it into my master’s lake of fire.”

In keeping with that theme, Tufts University has just announced that an addendum has been added to its “don’t have sex in front of roommate” policy. The addendum:

When we say “don’t”, we really mean “do.”

“Your children are all going to Hell in hand baskets anyway,” added Thorn.

“Might as well send them to Tufts University. Our hand baskets are cushioned and smell like lemons.”

Ask Kev: Til Death
September 9, 2009
Blog
4

For this next edition of my insanely unpopular advice column, Ask Kev, I am yet again going to “borrow” a question recently sent to Dear Abby. The reason, of course, is no sane person would actually ask ME an important question that needed an important answer. A question about peanut butter or cats? Sure. A question about life? Um, no, not so much.

Don’t worry. I promise to give the question back to Abby when I’m finished. I’m honest like that.

DEAR ABBY KEV:

My husband and I have been happily married for 16 years. We have one son, age 12. While writing our wills, my husband told me that his wish is to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the ocean off the beach near where he grew up.

I’d like us to be together after we have both passed on, but his beach holds no fond memories for me. I would much prefer to be buried in our local cemetery with a headstone so our son can come to “visit” both of us. I don’t want to spend eternity in a cemetery plot without my husband. Any suggestions?

- PLANNING AHEAD IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear PAIM,

First off, do you realize that if you lived in Nevada I could refer to you as “PAIN”? That strikes me as funny. Now that I’ve earned your respect by showing you how professional I am, let me dive right in to your dilemma.

Let me get this straight. Your husband wants his ashes scattered off a beach? A BEACH?? Where woman wear bikinis and play volleyball in said bikinis?

It pains me to have to tell you this, PAIM, but it’s quite clear your husband wants to sow his wild oats after he dies. And as quaint as your local cemetery sounds, it doesn’t really sound like the kind of place a swinging bachelor wants to spend eternity.

That’s right, I said a swinging bachelor. You see, there was a key phrase in your and your husband’s marriage vows 16 years ago. Remember them? “Till death do us part.” It appears your husband took that phrase quite literally. When he says he wants to be cremated and scattered off a beach, what he’s trying to say is, “Well, I had a blast, but now that I’m dead I want to go check out some girls playing volleyball in bikinis.”

I’m sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news.

Still, cheer up, PAIM. All is not lost.

For one thing, if you and your husband are part of God’s Chosen, you’ll be spending eternity together in Heaven. Who cares where your earthly bodies are if your spirits get to walk together holding hands on streets paved of gold? Am I right?

For another thing, your husband can want to be cremated all he wants, but if he dies first…

That’s right. If your husband dies before you do, you can do whatever you like with his body. Will? Psssh. What will? Your husband can put pen to paper all he wants about being cremated and distributed on the beach so he can ogle girls in bikinis. But if you choose not to follow those plans, what’s he going to do?

Haunt you from the afterlife?

Write “I TOLD YOU TO CREMATE ME” on your fogged bathroom mirror as you shower?

The man won’t be able to do a thing.

Since wives typically outlive their husbands, I think you are safe. Your husband will die before you, and then you can place his body in your local cemetery.

However, if down the road you get the sense your husband might outlive you, well…

You know what you have to do.

Best Wishes,

Kev

What sort of advice would YOU give PAIM? How would you rate the advice I gave her? It was gold, right?

As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.