For this next edition of my insanely unpopular advice column, Ask Kev, I am yet again going to “borrow” a question recently sent to Dear Abby. The reason, of course, is no sane person would actually ask ME an important question that needed an important answer. A question about peanut butter or cats? Sure. A question about life? Um, no, not so much.

Don’t worry. I promise to give the question back to Abby when I’m finished. I’m honest like that.

DEAR ABBY KEV:

My husband and I have been happily married for 16 years. We have one son, age 12. While writing our wills, my husband told me that his wish is to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the ocean off the beach near where he grew up.

I’d like us to be together after we have both passed on, but his beach holds no fond memories for me. I would much prefer to be buried in our local cemetery with a headstone so our son can come to “visit” both of us. I don’t want to spend eternity in a cemetery plot without my husband. Any suggestions?

- PLANNING AHEAD IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear PAIM,

First off, do you realize that if you lived in Nevada I could refer to you as “PAIN”? That strikes me as funny. Now that I’ve earned your respect by showing you how professional I am, let me dive right in to your dilemma.

Let me get this straight. Your husband wants his ashes scattered off a beach? A BEACH?? Where woman wear bikinis and play volleyball in said bikinis?

It pains me to have to tell you this, PAIM, but it’s quite clear your husband wants to sow his wild oats after he dies. And as quaint as your local cemetery sounds, it doesn’t really sound like the kind of place a swinging bachelor wants to spend eternity.

That’s right, I said a swinging bachelor. You see, there was a key phrase in your and your husband’s marriage vows 16 years ago. Remember them? “Till death do us part.” It appears your husband took that phrase quite literally. When he says he wants to be cremated and scattered off a beach, what he’s trying to say is, “Well, I had a blast, but now that I’m dead I want to go check out some girls playing volleyball in bikinis.”

I’m sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news.

Still, cheer up, PAIM. All is not lost.

For one thing, if you and your husband are part of God’s Chosen, you’ll be spending eternity together in Heaven. Who cares where your earthly bodies are if your spirits get to walk together holding hands on streets paved of gold? Am I right?

For another thing, your husband can want to be cremated all he wants, but if he dies first…

That’s right. If your husband dies before you do, you can do whatever you like with his body. Will? Psssh. What will? Your husband can put pen to paper all he wants about being cremated and distributed on the beach so he can ogle girls in bikinis. But if you choose not to follow those plans, what’s he going to do?

Haunt you from the afterlife?

Write “I TOLD YOU TO CREMATE ME” on your fogged bathroom mirror as you shower?

The man won’t be able to do a thing.

Since wives typically outlive their husbands, I think you are safe. Your husband will die before you, and then you can place his body in your local cemetery.

However, if down the road you get the sense your husband might outlive you, well…

You know what you have to do.

Best Wishes,

Kev

What sort of advice would YOU give PAIM? How would you rate the advice I gave her? It was gold, right?

As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.