MEDFORD, MASSACHUSETTS – On the heels of Tufts University’s decision to ban students from having sex in dorms if their roommates are present, colleges and universities all over the country have begun implementing the controversial policy.

To date, eighty-seven schools, a majority located in either California or the northeastern region of the United States, have implemented the “no sex in front of your roommate” policy.

“It’s about showing respect,” said Damien Thorn, spokesman for Tufts University as well as Lucifer, the evil master of Hell and tempter of mankind.

“If you want to have illicit sex, fine. If you want to shake your fist at God as you have sex out of wedlock with a stranger you only met ten minutes earlier in the parking lot, that’s your prerogative. And if you want to do all that while praising the evil master, wonderful.

“But for crying out loud, don’t do it in front of your roommate.”

In addition to the no-sex policy, schools have begun implementing additional “not in front of your roommate” policies.

New York University and Boston University, among others, have implemented a “do not convert your dorm into a methamphetamine lab in front of your roommate” policy. The universities of Ohio and Washington have implemented a “do not worship pagan gods in front of your roommate” policy. The University of Alabama has implemented a “do not steal from your roommate in front of your roommate” policy. And the University of Southern California has recently implemented a “do not murder anyone in front of your roommate” policy — a policy that has drawn the ire of USC alumnus, OJ Simpson.

“Look, we’re not trying to tell students how to live their lives,” explains Thorn.

“We have no desire to teach them morality. We don’t want to be their moral compass. Far, far from it. If anything, Tufts University, as well as most universities all over this country, if I’m being perfectly honest, wants to take that moral compass, spit on it and throw it into my master’s lake of fire.”

In keeping with that theme, Tufts University has just announced that an addendum has been added to its “don’t have sex in front of roommate” policy. The addendum:

When we say “don’t”, we really mean “do.”

“Your children are all going to Hell in hand baskets anyway,” added Thorn.

“Might as well send them to Tufts University. Our hand baskets are cushioned and smell like lemons.”