This blog post was originally published one year ago on October 31, 2008. The mark of a true work of art, I believe it’s message has stood the test of time.

It’s Halloween. It’s time for pumpkins, kids in costumes, trick or treating, and candy. It is also time for the annual outbreak of what researchers have named “Halloween Skankitis.”

Halloween Skankitis is an epidemic that used to only inflict females between the ages of 18 and 35, but now reaches females of all ages. It’s a disease that infects woman who are oftentimes perfectly normal the rest of the year.

What is it?

According to Dr. Kevin Philange, lead researcher of The SKOS Institute, it is “a virus that causes some women on Halloween to dress like street walkers.”

During the four-year study, Philange and his colleagues interviewed women from all over the country and asked them about the virus.

“Something just comes over me when the calendar says October 31st,” says Kim, a 31-year-old secretary from Omaha, Nebraska.

“The rest of the year, I am as conservative a dresser as you’ll ever meet. But when Halloween rolls around, I have this overwhelming urge to mimic Paris Hilton.”

Lisa, a 21-year-old college student from Nevada, agrees.

“I can’t explain it. On October 30th, I wear jeans and a sweater. The next day, I dress like a naughty nurse or maid. On November 1st, I wear jeans and a sweater again.”

When researchers asked Lisa why she chose to dress like a “naughty policewoman” for Halloween in 2006, she responded by saying “I’m not sure” and “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Though SKOS researchers were unable to discover how the virus is spread or why some women are suspectible to it while others are immune, they were able to formulate a theory for how the virus affects the women’s central nervous systems.

“We believe the virus causes these women to temporarily go insane,” said Philange.

“The insanity coupled with easy access to Halloween costumes, many of which are extremely immodest, leads to the outbreak of skankitis.

“The women are innocent victims.”

Critics of the study contend the risque costumes are not due to a virus, but to the fact the women who wear them feel emboldened on Halloween to dress more daring than they would any other time of the year.

Philange and his research team find such theories insulting.

“Any notion that these women intentionally dress this way is ridiculous,” says Philange.

“The idea that these woman wish they could dress provocatively all year long, but only have the nerve to do so on Halloween when everyone is playing ‘dress up’ is insulting.

“No self respecting woman would dress like a French maid or pirate wench in public on purpose. It HAS to be a virus.”

Okay, this has gone far enough.

On the heels of the White House’s failed attempt to ban Fox News from being able to interview Kenneth “Pay Czar” Feinberg (while allowing all other networks to interview him), a question begs to be asked:

Obama, why don’t you pick on someone your own size?

And by your “own size” I mean someone roughly the size of a 10-year-old girl. Because if you’re that thin skinned, if you are that sensitive to criticism, that’s exactly what you are: A little, prissy girl.

You heard me.

In all seriousness, methinks it should have been YOU, not Michelle, photographed hula-hooping on the White House lawn last week.

Everyone in society faces some sort of criticism. Athletes, movie stars, musicians, novelists, stand-up comedians, and even people who inexplicably choose to get up on stage to prove they can dance knowingly put themselves out there for criticism. Like it or not, it comes with the territory.

Teachers face criticism from students and parents.

Waiters and waitresses face criticism from customers.

Janitors face criticism if they miss a spot while cleaning.

Heck, I’m going to face criticism from those who disagree with me just for writing this.

We may not like criticism, but none of us are immune to it.

And then there’s you.

You are the freakin’ President of the United States. Every president before you, even beloved ones, has had to face criticism. But YOU can’t handle it? You can’t stand having ONE news network actually ask you tough questions and hold you accountable? Why should you be ANY different than any other individual who has held your office (or any political office, for that matter)?

It’s not like you face criticism everywhere you go.

CNN, MSNBC and the like kiss your feet. You go on Leno and Letterman and they practically swoon over you. You surround yourself with people who, if you asked them what your dirty socks smelled like, would say they smelled like a flower-filled garden with just a hint of cinnamon and peppermint.

You are already sheltered from the elements of society who disagree with you. The next time you have a face-to-face chat with someone like “Joe the Plumber” will be when you’re back on the campaign trail (if then). But that’s apparently not enough. If you had your way you would ban Fox News and all conservative-talk radio. Heck, you’re already trying.

You’re at war with Fox News. You’ve tried banning them once. You’ve put allies into key positions at the FCC, and your actions against Fox as of late would lead one to believe, with little convincing, that your motives for doing so is to one day silence Rush Limbaugh and company.

Grow a backbone, for crying out loud.

You can portray Fox, Limbaugh, Beck and the rest as blowhards if you like. You have lots of voting citizens who agree with you. I mean, you DID get elected, right? But it doesn’t matter what your antagonists are or are not. They have the First Amendment right to “calls them like they sees them.” They have the right to disagree with you.

Why? Because this is America.

You prissy, whiny, spineless, little girl.

I wouldn’t trust the government to make me a sandwich or organize my sock drawer. So why oh WHY would I trust them with something like health care?

Seriously, I’m asking.

Why should we trust them with such a huge undertaking? Because they’ve done such a bang-up job with their other responsibilities?

Ha.

The public educational system in this country is a joke. We’re graduating kids from high school who have no business graduating. Each year, the remedial reading, writing and match classes for college freshmen are overrun with students. And the worst of the worst don’t even bother with college.

We’re taxed to death by the IRS, who just happens to be headed by the one-headed monster known as Timothy Geithner, who didn’t pay his own taxes from 2001 to 2004. His excuse for not paying? He was “careless.” Yeah, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy with feelings of trust.

It is inexplicable to me that anyone, regardless of their political leanings, could think it’s a good idea to have government run health care. If we had a Republican majority in all three branches of government, and they brought up the idea of government run health care, I’d still hate the idea. I’d hate it from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.

Why? Because it’s a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea.

Imagine, if you will, you had an uncle. For simplicity, let’s call him Sam. Now, your Uncle Sam is (usually) well meaning and all, but he’s a moron. He owes everyone he knows money. He has debt collectors after him. He’s unorganized. He contradicts himself.  He changes his mind all the time. He has split personalities, and those personalities are constantly arguing and bickering. When push comes to shove, he’s going to do what’s popular rather than what’s right. And, to be perfectly honest, if not for the fact he’s your uncle you’d have lost faith in him long ago.

Now, if you had your way, would you let Uncle Sam be your accountant and handle your money? Or how about teach your kids how to read and write? Would you let him perform heart surgery on you?

Hopefully, you would answer “no.”

Personally, the only thing I would trust Uncle Sam with was keeping me safe from criminals and terrorists. He does control the best military in the world, after all. I forget to mention that.

But other than that, nothing.

Not even my sandwich. He’d undoubtedly use white bread instead of wheat and regular mayo instead of light.

And there would probably be thumbtacks in it.

The following was written on a Monday when there was no coffee in the kitchen at my place of employment. So while it may seem harsh to some, in this context hopefully everyone acknowledges I deserve a Nobel Prize for restraint.

Directly in front of my favorite elliptical machine at the gym, about fifteen yards away, is a row of machines dedicated entirely to abdominal exercises. To my left, about ten yards away, is a machine called “The Butt Buster.” I’m sure the machine has a more technical name, but why use it when you have a sophisticated, alliteration-filled name like Butt Buster?

Anyway, there are four or five people at my gym who follow the same routine whenever I see them. They’ll come to the gym and go straight to one of the ab machines (or the Butt Buster). They’ll use the machine for five or ten minutes. And then they will leave. They won’t do any cardio. They won’t use any of the other 184 or so machines in the gym. They just do their 5-to-10 minutes workout on the abs or gluts, and off they go.

The problem with this, in case it isn’t obvious to everyone, is that you can’t “spot reduce.” You can’t be 30 pounds overweight, do ab exercises (and only ab exercises) a couple times a week, and magically obtain a washboard stomach. It just doesn’t happen. Until you drop those 30 excess pounds, it doesn’t matter what kind of muscles you have hidden underneath.

Now, I used to feel sorry for these people. “They just don’t know any better,” I would think to myself as I tried, sometimes seemingly in vain, to get my own self into shape. But then I tried looking at it from their perspective. And once I did that I realized I shouldn’t feel sorry for them.

I should heckle them.

Let’s assume none of the people who do this at the gym have been told it’s an exercise, so to speak, in futility. Put yourself in their shoes. You walk into a gym and see dozens of people of all shapes and sizes. Some are already fit. Some are overweight. Some members from both groups are just standing around talking instead of exercising, but those that are exercising are all working up a sweat. You see men and women lifting weights. You see men and women jogging, riding bikes and being awesome on ellipticals. They all appear to really mean business.

If you were in one of these person’s shoes, and you saw all these people working their tails off, wouldn’t you, at some point, question your “do ab exercises for five minutes and then go home” workout routine? Wouldn’t you think, “hey, maybe they know something I don’t?”

The people who do this are the same people who go into a bank, see several long lines with people already waiting, and walk right up to the teller that doesn’t have a line. Rather than assume the other twenty bank customers might know something he does not, this individual assumes they must not have noticed this other teller. The teller who, by the way, has a giant “Deposits Only” sign directly overhead.

Too many people in our society look for shortcuts. They always want the path of least resistance. The expression “nothing in this world worth having comes easy” is lost on them.

Rather than work hard and save, they buy lottery tickets.

Rather than actually pay their dues, they try to get a reality television show by pretending their ridiculously named son is inside a hot air balloon.

And rather than gain valuable life and political experience by serving in the Senate for a decade, they immediately run for president under the promise of “change” and…

Actually, that’s a bad example. And sadly, just like the people who do win the lottery each week, it’s the exception that validates the rest and gives them hope.

Too bad all the hope in the world won’t give them that six pack they’re after.

It’s been said by yours truly and many others that the hardest part about exercising is getting up and going to the gym. Once you’re there, it’s easy.

I’m going to have to disagree with myself.

Gyms have always been filled with unusual characters. I’ve even blogged about it before. But whereas in the past I have viewed these unusual characters as comedic relief, I’m beginning to think they are part of a widespread conspiracy designed to sabotage my efforts and keep me single forever.

(Paranoid? I’m not paranoid. I wear this hat made out of tinfoil because it’s stylish, not because I think it prevents others from reading my thoughts. That just happens to be an added bonus to wearing the hat.)

The inhabitants of my gym are a virtual who’s who of evil henchman. Though their tactics are different, their goal is the same: To get me out of the gym.

There’s “Smells Like Socks Guy”, who I sincerely believe rubs his entire body with dirty socks before coming inside the gym and grabbing the machine next to me.

There’s the “Two Older People Who Just Happen to Know Each Other”, who decide to take the machines on either side of me so that I get to be in the middle of their inane babbling.

There’s “Guy Who Wants to Talk to Me Even Though I Clearly Have an iPod and Earphones”, who I imagine owns a collection of dolls and displays them all over his home so he has things to talk to at all times.

There’s “Always Talks on the Phone Girl”, who I’m convinced must believe she will instantly die should she ever put down her cell phone. I’m willing for her to take that chance.

There’s “I am Wearing Extra Small Shorts Even Though I Clearly Need Extra Large Girl”, who seems to always use the treadmill directly in front of me. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve prayed to God that He gives those cotton fabrics the strength to hold on until I’ve left the building.

And then there are the usuals. The girls who find it necessary to wear shorts or pants with words written on the butt. The guys who are so hairy it looks as though they are wearing sweaters beneath their tank tops. The guys who inexplicably wear baseball hats at odd angles. The girls and guys who find it necessary to wear cheap perfume and cologne. The guys who spend their time talking to women who are working out rather than actually working out themselves. The guy/girl who is so androgynous I spend my time looking for clues in the hopes for unlocking the answer. 

All of these people assault my senses.

And I’m convinced they are doing it on purpose.

Well, clearly they don’t know who they are messing with. Next time, I’m going to wear two different colored socks to the gym.

That’s right. I’m playing dirty.

Take that, “Guy With Sweat Stain That Resembles Michelle Obama.”

I haven’t blogged in six days despite the fact I have several ideas floating around inside this pretty lil’ thing they call my head. My brain just hasn’t had the energy to flesh them out.

So, I’ve decided to introduce a new feature here at SKOS called “Phoning It In.” Basically, it’s just me writing shorter versions of the silly awesome blog posts I usually write. I’ll think of a few ideas, put the least amount of effort into fleshing them out, and then post them.

Ready?

Doesn’t matter. I’m doing it anyway.

“Illegal Alien” Costume Controversy

NEW YORK, NY – Retailers have come under fire by immigrant activists for selling two “illegal alien” Halloween costumes.

Target, the mass-merchandise retailer, has already pulled the costumes from its shelves.

“We never meant to offend any of our consumers, even ones who technically shouldn’t even be in the country,” said Target spokesman Tom Phillips.

This is not the first time Target has received criticism for one of its Halloween costumes. Last year, the retailer had to stop selling its “Snow White” costume after Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton labeled it “offensive.” Three years ago, Target had to remove its “Werewolf” costume from its shelves after an activist group claimed it was insensitive to citizens who had been bitten or scratched by wolves.

In other news, the “Racist White Guy Holding a Bible” costume is once again a huge hit this Halloween season.

Obama’s Effort to Promote Kids’ Health Has Surprising Side Effect

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to promote healthy eating and exercise, Michelle Obama invited local elementary students to the White House for a “Healthy Kids Fair.”

During the event, Michelle Obama joined the students in hula-hooping and jumping rope. While her intent was to help combat the obesity problem in today’s youth, the numerous photos posted online of the first lady at the event appear to have had a greater impact on adults.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” replied Keith Dugan after being shown a photo of Obama wiggling her hips.

“Why did you have to show me that while I’m eating? Good grief. I’m not hungry anymore. Anyone want the rest of this sandwich?”

The first lady, who earlier this year was inexplicably featured on People magazine’s most beautiful people issue, is being credited with making men and women all over the world simultaneously decide to stop eating.

Experts predict Americans will lose an average of 34 pounds between now and New Year’s.

“Even when I close my eyes, I can still see it,” screeched Dugan.

“The horror. The horror…”

And Finally…

Father of “Balloon Boy” Offered a Reality Show

FORT COLLINS, CO – In an ironic twist now that it’s become evident the entire “balloon boy” incident was a hoax done as a publicity stunt to better market him and his family for a reality television show, ABC has approached Richard Heene with an offer to star in a spin-off of its inexplicably popular reality show “Wife Swap.”

“Wife Swap: The Prison Edition” would feature Richard Heene as the prison bride to a different prison inmate each week.

“According to our research department, people love this idea,” cooed ABC spokesman David Heart. “People are clamoring for it.”

The irony? Richard Heene isn’t certain he wants to do the show.

“This isn’t exactly what I had in mind,” admitted Heene.

“This is a hoax.”

Those were my thoughts yesterday immediately after reading the (then) throwaway line about the parents of “balloon boy”, Richard and Mayumi Heene, having once appeared on that insipid reality TV show Wife Swap.

At the time, the balloon was still in the air. The world thought the boy, Falcon Heene, was inside. Everyone was worried they might be witness to a small boy falling to his death on live television.

“This is another sad attempt at 15 minutes of fame,” I thought.

Call this an unfair, sweeping generalization if you like, but in my mind there are only two reasons people subject themselves and their families to “reality” shows. One, they want to win whatever prize is being offered. And two, they want to be famous.

Has any couple gone on “Wife Swap” thinking it would actually improve their marriage in some way? Of course not. And, unlike other reality shows, participants on this ridiculous show don’t win any prizes.

So why do it?

Fame. They get to be on television. They get to be noticed. They get to feel what it’s like to be a celebrity.

The parents of “Balloon Boy”, it turns out, TWICE participated on the “Wife Swap” show. Apparently, their marriage was improved SO much after the first appearance, they decided to try a second helping. Yeah, and if you believe that was the reason for the second appearance I pray you never reproduce.

Granted, I’m a cynic. I believed this was a hoax when all I had to go on was the parents’ TV show appearance. But look what has transpired since…

• The balloon lands. The boy, surprise, is not inside.
• An intense search begins in the hopes of finding the boy. Authorities, and people worldwide, fear the boy had fallen out of the balloon.
• A breaking news report says authorities are investigating an area where witnesses say they saw something fall out of the balloon. People worldwide fear the worst.
• The boy is found hiding in the attic of his home. He had never been in the balloon. (Never mind the fact the world been told that one of the boy’s siblings [his oldest brother] had seen him climb into the balloon.)

And now “balloon boy” and his parents are touring the media circuit. Well, who didn’t see that coming? Of course, being interviewed by the media isn’t proof that it was a hoax. The media, after all, was going to want to talk to the family. This was a big news story, after all.

But then the family is interviewed live on CNN. The following exchange takes place:

(After the boy, Falcon, said he heard his family calling his name while he was hiding in the attic)

“You did?” his mother asked.

“Why didn’t you come out?” Richard Heene asked.

And what did the boy answer?

“You had said that we did this for a show.

The parents then tried to put the genie back into the bottle. They explained that the boy is only six year old and he was confused by the question.

So now, obviously, hoards of people have jumped on the “this is a hoax” bandwagon.

The dad, Richard Heene, is quoted saying that he can’t believe anyone could think this was all a hoax.

“I went through such a roller coaster of emotions yesterday, to have people say that, I think, is extremely pathetic. I’m not selling anything. This is what we do all the time.”

I don’t buy it. I don’t buy any of it.

Of course you’re selling something, Richard. You’re selling YOU. You’re selling YOUR WIFE. You’re selling YOUR KIDS. The fact you aren’t on live television trying to sell homemade hemorrhoid cream or something doesn’t prove you’re on the up and up. It just proves you don’t take us (the world) for COMPLETE idiots.

Finally, I just want to add that I find the fact the family VIDEOTAPED the balloon “accidentally” taking off to be way, way, way too convenient. It’s like those videos on America’s Funniest Home Videos where a camera would just HAPPEN to be recording a guy standing in his living room moments before something hits him in the crotch.

And speaking of being hit in the crotch, that’s exactly what should happen (repeatedly) to Richard Heene if it turns out I’m right.

UPDATE ON 10/19/09 – And it’s official. Hoax. I hope those parents are arrested and/or publicly flogged.

As a teacher, one of the many, many (i.e. one or two) pearls of wisdom I gave my senior students involved the way things had a way of hitting you all at once in college. For weeks at a time, it’ll seem as though you have nothing going on. No papers due, no exams to study for, and no special projects to worry about. I told them this was the calm before the storm.

Inevitably, almost as if they had gotten together to figure out how to best mess with your head, all of your professors will begin having papers and exams during the same general time frame. The trick, I told them, was to take advantage of the down time because it wasn’t really down time. The professors are just lulling you to sleep. Work ahead, begin writing your papers weeks in advance, and those days where you have ten things due all at once won’t seem so bad.

It was good advice — even though it was a classic “do as I say not as I do” kind of thing.

Life is the same way. The saying “all bad things come in threes” (a saying proven beyond all reasonable doubt after the third “Final Destination” movie) references the idea that things in life tend to come at you in bunches. Of course, these aren’t just restricted to bad things. Good things have a tendency to come at you in bunches, too. For example, I’ll never forget that October when I found two quarters face up in the parking lot. Good times, good times…

Right now, in my life, I think I am experiencing the calm before the storm. I’m in a comfortable, easy-going, transitional stage now. It’s nice, but I know it won’t last. The scary, “grown up” stage of life is waiting for me around the corner. I know it’s there. I can hear it giggling at me. Plus, I can see its shadow.

It’s time I take my own advice and use this down time to my advantage. My homework assignment? Lots of lots of praying. I could use all of your help, though. Don’t worry, in this case, helping me isn’t cheating.

This was first published at my old blog on March 20, 2006. Still quite relevant, I must say.

Spectators are flocking to a Wal-Mart Supercenter in Omaha, Nebraska, to catch a glimpse of Timmy Jefferson — a young boy who actually behaves and listens to his mother while shopping.

“I have never seen such a thing in my life,” remarked Amy Roberts as her seven-year-old son, Billy, picked up a box of cereal and threw it at an elderly woman walking by.

“She must have that boy in a trance or something.”

“No, clearly that boy isn’t from this planet,” interrupted Jake Oliver, a father of two rambunctious elementary students.

“Did you see how he didn’t run away when he saw his mom turn her head for a split second? No way that boy is human. No way.”

Timmy and his mother, Helena, first began receiving attention when Wal-Mart employees noticed the five-year-old did not scream and beg for candy when the two were at the checkout aisle.

“The way I heard it,” said store employee LaQuisha Jones, “is the kid looked up at his mom and asked if he could ‘please’ have a candy bar. She patted him on the head and said ‘not today, sweetie.’

“And then the boy did the unthinkable: he DIDN’T whine and pitch a fit. He actually behaved! Can you believe that?”

From that moment forward, Timmy and Helena have had a cult following. Initially, only a small handful of employees and customers would follow them around as they shopped. But as word spread, the numbers grew into the dozens. Then the hundreds. Then the thousands.

Everyone wants to see “the boy who doesn’t make a spectacle of himself” and his wise, mythical mother. Some, like Denise Hopkins of Louisville, want to ask questions and learn.

“I want to ask her what her secret is,” revealed the mother of four. “I’ve tried everything with my kids. I’ve tried reasoning with them. I’ve tried pleading with them. I’ve tried being their friend. I’ve tried ignoring them. I’ve even tried being the bad guy. Once I hid the remote from them so they couldn’t watch TV before doing their homework, but they just got up and turned it on manually.

“I need to know her secret. I’m out of ideas.”

And some, like devoted follower Maggie Yates of Utah, want something more.

“I just want,” exclaimed Yates, “to touch (Helena). Just for a second. If I can touch her, maybe I will absorb some of the magic she possesses. And maybe if my son, Damien, can touch Timmy, maybe he’ll stop crawling on the floor and looking up people’s dresses.”

Helena and Timmy both seem surprised by all the attention.

“I really don’t get why this is such a big deal,” noted Helena. “Timmy behaves because he knows what will happen if he doesn’t. (My husband) and I set firm ground rules, make sure Timmy knows what is expected of him and what will not be tolerated, and we punish him when he misbehaves. We’re consistent, loving and firm.”

Added Timmy, while smiling: “One time I didn’t listen to mommy at church and she spanked me and didn’t let me watch cartoons. I listen to mommy now. Do you like SpongeBob SquarePants? I do. Guess how old I am. This many.”

In an ironic twist, the previously-adoring crowd turned into an angry mob upon hearing the “spanking” revelation. Boos and shouts of “she beats that poor boy” and “she should be locked up” began to be heard from the crowd of thousands.

The crowd then cheered when one of their own, who just happened to be a child services employee, had Helena arrested and proclaimed, “Timmy will be better off in foster care.”

“I’ll take him,” shouted Maggie Yates.

“I could use a second set of eyes to help me watch Damien. Where did he go anyway? Damien? Damien?”

Imagine, if you will, a television character based on yours truly. He would, of course, be dashingly handsome. He’d be educated, funny and polite (and modest). He’d be frugal, a character trait the TV show’s writers would play up to hilarious effect.

Oh, and he’d also be portrayed as an oddball due to the fact he’s politically and morally conservative.

Just imagine all the jokes at my character’s expense. My co-stars would have a joke or two every episode about my refusal to sleep with my girlfriend before marriage. Or the way she and I lived in separate apartments, even though frugal me could save all sorts of rent money by asking her to move in with me. Or the way I — gasp — didn’t vote for Obama.

A character like mine would always be portrayed as abnormal. In fact, a character like mine would be so abnormal in Hollywood there is no way he’d be a regular cast member. No, he’d be a recurring character for a few episodes. A character who would date the female lead…until she found out how “crazy” he was.

So, this is my question: Does the entertainment industry (Hollywood, the media, etc.) simply portray society as it is, or how it thinks it should be?

Sadly, I think this is becoming a “chicken or the egg” issue. The society that is being portrayed in the entertainment industry is becoming more and more real. This is due, in large part, to how the entertainment industry portrays it.

Why? How? 1) Because the entertainment industry is overtly liberal, and 2) because people are sheep.

Most people don’t think for themselves. They go with the crowd. Just look at fashion through the years. The only reason bell bottoms in the 70s, big hair in the 80s and “grunge” in the 90s were wildly popular is because they were first mildly popular. If I told you that in three years people everywhere would be wearing snakeskin cowboy boots with swim trucks and turtleneck sweaters, you’d say I was crazy. But you would have said the same thing twenty years ago if I had predicted everyone would be dressing like lumberjacks come 1992. All I need are a few popular rock bands to wear my snakeskin/swimsuit/sweater ensemble idea and the sheep will come out in droves.

(Where was I going with this…? Oh yes, people go with the crowds.)

In short, most people like to fit in. They like to do what is normal. And if children aren’t taught what is “normal” by their parents, they are taught by their peers and by the entertainment industry. And those peers, too, in most cases, are taught by the entertainment industry.

So where does that leave us?

It leaves us in a world where people are taught what is normal by what they see on television, in movies, and in magazines.

And what’s “normal” in such a world?

“Normal” is the producers of seemingly harmless shows like HGTV’s House Hunters choosing to follow the house-hunting adventures of unmarried or gay couples just as often, if not more often, than happily married couples.

“Normal” is the hilarious (and personal favorite) television comedy The Office having the cute, young couple Pam and Jim living together before they are married. And getting pregnant before they are married. And, at their wedding, having everyone trying to avoid letting Pam’s “old school”, “conservative” grandmother find out about such things because she just wouldn’t understand. And how the only character on the show who thinks the “living together” thing and the “having a kid” thing before marriage is wrong is Angela; who just happens to be humorless, mean spirited and — oh yes — a hypocrite since she had an affair with Dwight while engaged to marry Andy.

“Normal” is boys and girls growing up to believe that meeting, dating, getting married, THEN living together and having children (in that order) is something that went the way of the dodo.

Political leanings aside, look at me on paper. I’ve never been married. I have no kids. I have a good job. I’m educated. I have no criminal history. I’m awesome. And I’m not going to put the moves on a girl before I’ve put a ring on her finger. A majority of moms and dads out there would kill to have their daughter bring home a guy like me. It’s a dad’s dream for his little girl, right?

But we live in a world where a majority of young women dismiss guys like me because we are too old fashioned and, yes, abnormal.

Does that sound right to you? It doesn’t sound right to me.

Of course, what do I know?

I’m an oddball.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Upon learning of the surprising news that he had won the Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama thanked the Nobel committee for its refusal to be racist.

“Every day I have to deal with pundits who disagree with me and my policies based solely on the color of my skin,” remarked Obama.

“I commend the Nobel Prize committee for being color blind. I commend them for bestowing this honor upon me even though they knew critics would ridicule them for it. The critics who would say, ‘hey, he’s only been in office nine months.’ Or ‘he hasn’t even done anything yet.’ Or ‘this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.’

“I commend them and thank them. They recognized I truly deserved this, and didn’t let my ethnicity prevent them from giving me what is rightfully mine.”

The award has come after a series of racist slights the president has had to endure the past few months.

One week ago today, Obama learned the International Olympic Committee (IOC) was racist after it awarded Rio de Janeiro the 2016 Summer Olympics over Chicago, Obama’s home city.

“I couldn’t believe how blatently racist the IOC was being,” sighed Obama.

Last month, Obama had to endure Republican congressman Joe Wilson of South Carolina shouting “you lie” during his speech on health care.

“Only a racist piece of scum would call me out like that when I’m lying,” noted Obama. “A non-racist would have let it go and let me have my way.”

Ever since July 14, when Democratic leaders in the Senate introduced the president’s 1,017 page plan for overhauling the country’s health care system, Obama has had to endure constant racism from both politicians and citizens who disapprove of the plan.

And in April, Obama was denied an honorary degree from Arizona State University because, according to the university, he was too inexperienced for such an honor.

“I have been called ‘inexperienced’ all my life,” admitted Obama. “You know what ‘inexperienced’ really means, right? It means ‘we are racists and we don’t like you.’”

The gold medal, diploma and $1.4 million Obama will receive for winning the Nobel Peace Prize helps lessen the sting of such recent events, but they don’t make up for a lifetime lived amidst racism and hatred.

“I have been on this planet for 48 years,” explained Obama. “I have had to endure my fair share of slights.

“As a freshman in high school, I had to endure a racist varsity basketball coach who didn’t put me on the team or make me the star player and captain even though my mom said I was better than anyone else on the team. In 2004, I had to run against Alan Keyes for the Illinois Senate. Keyes wasn’t even originally from Illinois — he just ran against me because he’s racist.

“And I’ll never forget the racism I felt on November 4, 2008. Instead of receiving 100% of the popular vote and all 538 electoral votes in the presidential election, I received only 52.9% and 365. I couldn’t believe how many racists there were in this country.”

Through it all, the president has remained tolerant — a character trait he wishes his critics possessed.

“I can handle people disagreeing with me,” noted Obama. “I just can’t handle racists, which is what these people who have the audacity to disagree with me clearly are.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A visibly-depressed Joe Biden has been seen wandering the halls of the White House mumbling “Barack is a tool” and “I should have voted for John (McCain).”

“Wouldn’t it be great,” Biden said to no one in particular, “if this was all just some sort of bad dream? Somebody slap me so I can wake up.”

These are surprising remarks for a sitting Vice President to make at the expense of his own Commander in Chief. However, those close to Biden aren’t surprised.

“Oh my, no, Joe’s hated the man’s guts from the very beginning,” admitted Biden’s wife, Jill.

“When he was running against Obama for the Democratic nomination, every day Joe would go on and on about how ‘that Barack guy’ was wet behind the ears and didn’t know his (rear end) from a hole in the ground.

“When Joe later agreed to be his running mate, I couldn’t believe it. I told him, ‘Joe…I thought you said Obama was unqualified? That he had JUST started his first term in the Senate and didn’t have nearly enough experience? That it would be a cold day in Hell before Americans would vote someone named Hussein into the White House?’ What happened to all of that, Joe?”

Jill Biden then described how “dead” her husband’s eyes looked, so she decided to drop the subject and make him some tea.

Though he would have a few mishaps on the campaign trail (the most notable being his speech at a Democratic fundraiser in Seattle where he promised America would be attacked if Obama was elected), Biden seemed to have put his feelings behind him as he and Obama rode a wave of optimism and lunacy into the White House.

However, as the months have dragged on it’s become apparent Biden has fallen deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.

“It’s caused him to act out,” sighed Jill Biden.

In August, several White House staff members claim to have seen Biden steal a chew toy from Obama’s family dog and replace it with a stick of dynamite. Biden allegedly had to be escorted from the area when he asked bystanders for a lighter or match.

During a recent cabinet meeting, an unshaven Biden was heard shouting, “Oh whatever, you stupid idiot,” as Obama outlined his latest strategy for Afghanistan.

Later, Biden allegedly rose to his feet and started clapping his hands very slowly after the president finished speaking. Apparently unaware the vice president was being sarcastic, Obama is said to have thanked Biden and given him a thumb’s up gesture.

During the past several days, Biden has shown up to the White House wearing a “Chicago 2016″ shirt — apparently in an effort to mock the president’s failed attempts at securing the 2016 Olympic games for his hometown of Chicago.

“One day earlier this week, (Biden) spent the entire day running around the White House shouting ‘Rio’ into a bullhorn,” said Claire Thomas, Biden’s secretary.

However, such antics aside, Biden spends most of his time moping around the White House while mumbling to himself.

“It’s clearly gotten the best of him,” admitted Jill Biden, speaking of her husband’s depression.

“He feels responsible. He thinks this whole ‘Obama in the White House’ thing is his fault. I tried cheering him up the other day by reminding him he only had three more years left of this, but he just started sobbing uncontrollably.”

When asked for comment, Biden told reporters he couldn’t talk because he had to “go put this screwdriver in an electric socket.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – During a game of Truth or Dare at a slumber party held at the home of Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer of CNN finally admitted what his closest friends had suspected for some time.

Blitzer wants to date President Obama.

“My mom was the only person who knew,” admitted Blitzer. “She and I tell each other everything. We’re really close.”

Though they had suspected the unholy man crush for some time, it wasn’t until Blitzer jumped to Obama’s defense after Saturday Night Live portrayed him as a lazy, do-nothing president did his friends and colleagues decide to press Blitzer for the truth.

“SNL had been making fun of Bush and Palin and McCain for ages, but you never heard a peep from Wolf,” noted CNN’s Larry King. “Then they poke fun at Obama, and he erupts in anger. It was so totally obvious.”

After a few ideas had been thrown back and forth, one of them involving stealing his diary out of his locker, Blitzer’s friends settled on a plan for getting him to reveal his feelings.

“A game of Truth or Dare at our weekly slumber party seemed like a fool-proof way to get the secret out of him,” said Lou Dobbs of CNN’s Lou Dobbs Tonight.

“And to make sure he’d choose ‘truth’ when it was his turn, we dared Larry King to take off his adult diaper,” added Cooper.

“In hindsight, it was a poor decision on my part. Larry ruined a $5,000 rug I’d just bought. Still, the plan worked. Blitzer chose ‘truth’ when it was his turn without hesitation.”

With his secret out in the open, Blitzer initially blushed with embarrassment. However, after a few moments his insecurities vanished and he delighted in the knowledge he no longer had to hide his feelings.

“I touched his hand once,” squeeled Blitzer as Anderson and Dobbs giggled hysterically.

CHICAGO, IL – After several days of intense negotiations, President Barack Obama has announced that he has secured Krystal Square Off XIII for the city of Chicago.

“It is with great pride that I announce my hometown, the greatest city on earth, Chicago, will have the eyes of the world watching it in 2016,” beamed Obama to a group of confused reporters, who nonetheless swooned with adoration.

A competitive eating event known as the official “World Hamburger Eating Championship”, the annual Krystal Square Off has, since its inception in 2004, taken place every Fall in Chattanooga, Tennessee, where the Krystal restaurant chain was founded in 1932.

James Exum, Krystal’s CEO, had never considered moving the event from Chattanooga until he received a phone call from an unexpected source on the afternoon of October 2, 2009.

“My secretary knocked on my door and told me ‘the president’ was holding for me on line two,” explained Exum.

“I laughed and told her I’d get to him as soon as I got off the phone with Bugs Bunny. She looked at me with a very serious expression and assured me she wasn’t joking; that President Obama was indeed on the phone waiting to speak with me.”

Once on the phone with Obama, Exum learned that the president wanted the Krystal Square Off to be moved from Chattanooga to Chicago in 2016. In 2017, the event could move back to Chattanooga.

When he asked Obama why he wanted the event’s venue moved for 2016 and only 2016, Exum said the president “got quiet for a few moments and then answered, ‘oh, no real reason.’”

“He made it worth my while, though,” added Exum. “He gave (Krystal) a $25 billion government loan and said we could pay it back ‘whenever’ and that no stringers were attached.

“I didn’t vote for the man, but I wanted to reach through the phone and hug him right then and there.”

Citizens of Chicago initially expressed confusion over the announcement in part due to the fact not a single Krystal restaurant exists in the entire state of Illinois, much less the city of Chicago.

“What exactly is ‘Krystal’, asked Chicago’s mayor, Richard Daley.

“It looks just like a White Castle hamburger. Is it White Castle? I’m confused.”

The mayor then scolded himself for doubting Obama’s vision and announced the city would throw a parade in the president’s honor as a “thank you” for his hard work and dedication.

“Change,” shouted Daley, as he took a big sip of kool-aid.