The following is satire. In addition to referencing ritual sacrifice, it references both Sean Penn AND Whoopi Goldberg. Reader discretion is advised.

NANTUCKET ISLAND, MA – On the heels of news that cheerleaders at a Georgia high school had to be banned from displaying signs with Bible verses comes a similar, but even more disturbing incident.

On Tuesday, a high school student interrupted a school-sanctioned ritual sacrifice and Satanic orgy by holding up a “John 3:16″ sign.

“‘Outraged’ is the word that best describes how I feel,” said headmaster Tom Booth of Ted Kennedy High School, home of the Fightin’ Golden Calves.

“That girl was just supposed to stand there and chant with the other girls until it was time to strip naked, pour pig’s blood on the corpse of the virgin sacrifice, and join the debauchery.

“But instead she goes and does something offensive!”

As the girl, whose name is being withheld to protect her identity, held up the horrific sign, a hush fell upon the previously boisterous crowd.

“This can’t be happening,” responded eye witness Keith Avery when asked what he thought when the “John 3:16″ sign made its appearance. “You read about this kind of stuff in history books and see it in old movies and documentaries, but you convince yourself that it isn’t real. Things like this just don’t happen any more, right? I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Student Claire Jackson agreed.

“I felt like I was going to vomit,” said Jackson, who was in charge of disemboweling the virgin sacrifice and setting her organs on fire.

“I haven’t felt this nauseous since the time I saw that basketball coach lead his team in prayer before a game.”

As news of the incident spread, celebrities and politicians united to denounce the student’s heinous act.

President Obama, while speaking to international reporters, tried to assure neighboring nations that he was “shocked” by the incident and insisted his administration was “still tolerant of all belief systems that do not involve Christianity in any way, shape or form.”

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton demanded an apology for the sign’s use of white-colored lettering over other coloring options.

Actor Sean Penn, speaking to reporters, said something inaudible due to other celebrities, standing around him, loudly applauding every time he opened his mouth. However, the condescending, pompous look on Penn’s face as he spoke made it clear he was appalled by what took place.

And “comedian” Whoopi Goldberg, speaking on her television show The View, said an appropriate punishment for the student would be having movie director Roman Polanski “rape, but not rape-rape” the girl while Goldberg videotaped the event.

“I still can’t believe it,” said Susan Marshall, the mother of the virgin sacrifice.

“What kind of world do we live in where you can’t even watch your daughter being ritually sacrificed amidst a Satanic orgy without some insensitive, oppressive Christian pushing her beliefs on you?

“I’m glad my daughter wasn’t alive to see what happened.”