“This is a hoax.”

Those were my thoughts yesterday immediately after reading the (then) throwaway line about the parents of “balloon boy”, Richard and Mayumi Heene, having once appeared on that insipid reality TV show Wife Swap.

At the time, the balloon was still in the air. The world thought the boy, Falcon Heene, was inside. Everyone was worried they might be witness to a small boy falling to his death on live television.

“This is another sad attempt at 15 minutes of fame,” I thought.

Call this an unfair, sweeping generalization if you like, but in my mind there are only two reasons people subject themselves and their families to “reality” shows. One, they want to win whatever prize is being offered. And two, they want to be famous.

Has any couple gone on “Wife Swap” thinking it would actually improve their marriage in some way? Of course not. And, unlike other reality shows, participants on this ridiculous show don’t win any prizes.

So why do it?

Fame. They get to be on television. They get to be noticed. They get to feel what it’s like to be a celebrity.

The parents of “Balloon Boy”, it turns out, TWICE participated on the “Wife Swap” show. Apparently, their marriage was improved SO much after the first appearance, they decided to try a second helping. Yeah, and if you believe that was the reason for the second appearance I pray you never reproduce.

Granted, I’m a cynic. I believed this was a hoax when all I had to go on was the parents’ TV show appearance. But look what has transpired since…

• The balloon lands. The boy, surprise, is not inside.
• An intense search begins in the hopes of finding the boy. Authorities, and people worldwide, fear the boy had fallen out of the balloon.
• A breaking news report says authorities are investigating an area where witnesses say they saw something fall out of the balloon. People worldwide fear the worst.
• The boy is found hiding in the attic of his home. He had never been in the balloon. (Never mind the fact the world been told that one of the boy’s siblings [his oldest brother] had seen him climb into the balloon.)

And now “balloon boy” and his parents are touring the media circuit. Well, who didn’t see that coming? Of course, being interviewed by the media isn’t proof that it was a hoax. The media, after all, was going to want to talk to the family. This was a big news story, after all.

But then the family is interviewed live on CNN. The following exchange takes place:

(After the boy, Falcon, said he heard his family calling his name while he was hiding in the attic)

“You did?” his mother asked.

“Why didn’t you come out?” Richard Heene asked.

And what did the boy answer?

“You had said that we did this for a show.

The parents then tried to put the genie back into the bottle. They explained that the boy is only six year old and he was confused by the question.

So now, obviously, hoards of people have jumped on the “this is a hoax” bandwagon.

The dad, Richard Heene, is quoted saying that he can’t believe anyone could think this was all a hoax.

“I went through such a roller coaster of emotions yesterday, to have people say that, I think, is extremely pathetic. I’m not selling anything. This is what we do all the time.”

I don’t buy it. I don’t buy any of it.

Of course you’re selling something, Richard. You’re selling YOU. You’re selling YOUR WIFE. You’re selling YOUR KIDS. The fact you aren’t on live television trying to sell homemade hemorrhoid cream or something doesn’t prove you’re on the up and up. It just proves you don’t take us (the world) for COMPLETE idiots.

Finally, I just want to add that I find the fact the family VIDEOTAPED the balloon “accidentally” taking off to be way, way, way too convenient. It’s like those videos on America’s Funniest Home Videos where a camera would just HAPPEN to be recording a guy standing in his living room moments before something hits him in the crotch.

And speaking of being hit in the crotch, that’s exactly what should happen (repeatedly) to Richard Heene if it turns out I’m right.

UPDATE ON 10/19/09 – And it’s official. Hoax. I hope those parents are arrested and/or publicly flogged.