Since I’m fairly certain the only remaining readers I have live in correctional facilities, I figured it was time I updated my blog. Making those guys unhappy is a bad idea.

Here are three topics that have been on my mind lately. Enjoy (and please don’t hurt me).

I Guess Cause They’re Such Easy, Big Targets?

On Wednesday, Venezuela made the news when it destroyed more than 30,000 guns it had seized during police raids.

On Friday, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez made news when, in a televised speech, he said there were “lots of fat people” in Venezuela. He went on to urge Venezuelans to lose weight by eating healthy and exercising.

After reading these two articles, I have come to the following conclusion:

Venezuela criminals must like to shoot people who are overweight.

The Cow Ad Campaign is Working

Three times during the past two weeks, I’ve had a dream involving Chick-fil-a chicken biscuits.

In one, I leave work at 9:50 AM in order to swing by Chick-fil-a before they stop serving breakfast. Instead of taking a right, I find myself trapped in a left-turn lane. Figuring I’ll just turn around later, I take the left turn.

Unfortunately, there are no good places for me to turn around. So I keep driving in the opposite direction from Chick-fil-a. And keep driving. And keep driving.

Next thing I know, I’m turning into the parking lot of Turner Field. I get out, change into uniform, and go play 1st base for the Atlanta Braves.

I keep wishing for the game to end as soon as possible.

Why?

Because in my dream only five minutes had lapsed and I still had time to get to Chick-fil-a before it stopped serving breakfast.

In another dream, I’m debating how many chicken biscuits I should order. At first I only want one. Then I decided I wanted two. Then I decided I wanted three chicken biscuits.

When the dream ended, I was up to the number thirty.

In my final dream, I was on a date at a restaurant with a girl. She ordered a chicken biscuit. Apparently, I was unaware you could order Chick-fil-a chicken biscuits at this restaurant, and for some reason I couldn’t change my order.

Instead, I spent the entire date staring at her chicken biscuit. And no, that isn’t some weird euphemism.

And Finally…

Unless it’s Fox News, Of Course

Maybe it’s just me, but I find it hilarious that Obama is in China right now telling the country that censorship is unhealthy.

The AP quotes the hypocritical jerkwad as saying the following:

“I think that the more freely information flows, the stronger the society becomes, because then citizens of countries around the world can hold their own governments accountable,” Obama told students during his first-ever trip to China.

“I’m a big supporter of non-censorship,” added Obama.

Are the creators of The Onion now writing Obama’s speeches? This is satire at its finest.

Seriously, what’s next?

Bill Clinton giving speeches praising the sanctity of marriage?

The reanimated corpse of Adolph Hitler denouncing antisemitism?

The parents of Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan ridiculing the parents of “balloon boy” for being bad parents?

The irony of this speech to China is so delicious, I want to get a butter knife and spread it all over a Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit.