The seemingly infinite number of issues my family is facing right now is overwhelming. I would write about all of it, but it would be a never-ending story. And I don’t mean it would be a never-ending story in the way the 1984 movie The NeverEnding Story was a never-ending story. (94 minutes long? “Never ending” my behind!) No, I mean it would be an ACTUAL never-ending story.

Seriously, it would go on forever.

So since I do not wish to get caught up in an endless loop, not to mention the fact I do not wish to dwell on such negative thoughts, I am going to attempt to distract myself.

Hmmmm. What to write about?

Ashley Greene is quite beautiful. Yahoo showed a photo of her the other day. Apparently, she’s an actress and appears in those ridiculous Twilight movies I refuse to watch on principle. The principle? That I am neither an idiot nor a teenage girl.

Still, I refuse to hold that against Ms. Greene. She has it all — and by “all” I mean she has a nice face and nice legs. What can I say? I’m a simple man.

Of course, since Twilight is about teenagers and vampires and unicorns (I’m assuming…I have no idea what it’s actually about), exactly how old is Ashley Greene?

Is her character an adult or a teenager in those films? And if the latter, is she a twenty-something portraying a teenager (sort of like how Luke Perry portrayed a high school student on the TV show Beverly Hills 90210 back in the day even though he looked older than some of the teachers)? Or is she an ACTUAL teenager?

I would Google her, but I don’t dare do that at work. Like I said, I know nothing about her. There’s no telling what kind of search results I would see.

Okay, forget Ashley Greene. The possibility that admiring her would make me a creep just isn’t worth it. Instead, I’ll shift the conversation to someone safe: Jennifer Connelly.

Ah, Jennifer Connelly. The gold standard in Hollywood beauty.

She’s in her late 30s, but still looks as though she’s in her late 20s. But any way you slice it, she’s definitely not a teenager. She’s 100% safe.

Of course, thinking of Jennifer Connelly immediately brings to mind the last movie I saw with her in it:

The Day the Earth Stood Still — starring Keanu Reeves.

Good grief that was a horrible movie. And to say Keanu had the personality of a doorknob in it would be an insult to doorknobs and inanimate objects everywhere.

Seriously, either the casting director for that movie was a genius or an idiot. There’s no middle ground. If producers told him/her that the lead role of Klaatu (an alien) was going to be expressionless and lacking the least bit of personality, then the casting director hit a homerun out of the park.

“I got it,” the casting director thought after a millisecond. “Keanu Reeves.”

However, if that wasn’t the case, if the producers desired a “star” with actual screen presence and acting ability, then the casting director failed horribly.

It never ceases to amaze me the way some untalented actors keep getting marquee roles in marquee films while actors with actual talent have to take work wherever they can find it.

Seriously, how is it that Nicolas Cage gets role after role in blockbuster movies, but Christopher Lloyd has to take a role in the direct-to-DVD release Santa Buddies about talking puppies who…I don’t know, save Christmas or some other nonsense?

Christopher Lloyd is talented. Nicolas Cage is inexplicable.

And the fact the latter has actually won an Academy Award while the former possibly has never even been INVITED to the Academy Awards ceremony is madness.

Seriously, have any of you ever taken a moment to ponder the career of Christopher Lloyd? He’s almost had as many iconic roles as Harrison Ford:

He was Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Has anyone NOT seen that movie at least five times?

He was Uncle Fester in The Addams Family and its sequel.

He was a co-star on the sitcom Taxi, which is still rerun all over the world.

He starred alongside Jack Nickolson in Oscar winner One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, a movie I’ve never seen, but have heard is a pretty big deal.

He’s even a part of Star Trek — he was the main villain in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.

And then there is his most iconic role, “Doc” Brown, in the three Back to the Future movies.

How is this man not a household name? And how is it that he’s now reduced to DVD releases starring puppies that talk and (I’m assuming) make stupid jokes about mailmen and cats?

Off topic, because this guy is appreciated and does get regular work, but why has no one thought to cast Christopher Walken as the lead in a romantic comedy? Does that not sound completely hilarious to anyone else? I don’t even LIKE most romantic comedies and I think that would be hilarious.

Alright, it just dawned on me that I could safely check Ashley Greene’s age at the Internet Movie Database. And the answer is….

Twenty-two. Soon to be twenty-three.

Okay, admittedly, that’s a tad too young for me. I would have zero in common with a 22-year-old. She would, most likely, want to talk about Twilight. And I would, most likely, want to bang my head against the wall.

But hey, at least I wouldn’t be a total creep in the eyes of most.