When a relationship ends and enough time has passed, you tend to mainly remember the reasons you weren’t right for each other. At least, that’s been my experience. I’m sure each individual is different, but for me that’s how it goes. Maybe it’s my brain’s way of coping. Maybe it’s just how I’m wired.

My grandfather’s passing, plus an e-mail I received from this individual last week, has actually brought back good memories about one particular ex-girlfriend. I don’t believe I ever properly thanked her for what she did over a course of several days more than three years ago, so I’m writing this to let the world know how appreciative I was and am. And in thanking her I will also segue into the here and now.

In October 2006, my grandmother on my mother’s side passed away. It was the first time I had ever lost someone close to me. It was difficult (as all deaths surely are), but not as difficult as it could have been. This was because, one, my grandmother had suffered from Alzheimer’s for years and mentally I had “let her go” a long time ago. But it was also less difficult because I had someone there to help me get through it.

My girlfriend at the time had just moved from her home in Minnesota to live closer to me. She had left her family and friends behind. Almost immediately, literally days later, she had to help me cope with loss.

I don’t know how she was feeling at the time. Maybe she was super excited and enthused to be starting a new chapter in her life. But it’s also possible, even if that was true, that she was equally sad about being away from loved ones.

But if she felt that way, she didn’t let me know about it. I cannot remember a single word she said to me between the time of my grandmother’s death and her funeral, but I remember her being a constant source of levelheadedness and comfort. I don’t know how I would have handled my grandmother’s death had I been alone, but I don’t have to know. I had someone who cared about me, and she helped me cope. I’m very thankful to her for that.

Flash forward to three years and two months later.

Unlike my grandmother, I was not mentally ready for my grandfather’s passing. His demise came very suddenly.

Also, unlike with my grandmother, I was actually present to witness his passing. I was sitting five feet away as he started breathing slower and slower and, ultimately, stopped breathing altogether.

I’ve handled everything better than I could have predicted, but I can’t deny the fact I would be handling it better had I had someone to help me get through these past weeks.

My dad has my mom. My aunt has her husband. My brother has his wife. My sister has her boyfriend.

And me?

What do I have?

I have the redesign of my blog I’ve been working on since my grandfather first went to the hospital. That’s how I’ve coped. I’ve drank lots of coffee and worked on a design for a blog that barely anyone reads anymore.

Call me crazy, but I don’t remember “work on blog design” being on the list of grief stages.

I don’t mean to sound as though I’m complaining. I am very good at being single. I’m content being single.

But I think that’s part of the problem.

I’m not meant to be single. I don’t believe I was meant to endure these past four weeks with my grandfather alone. I was alone because I’m okay with being alone. If I wasn’t okay with it, I would have done something about it a long time ago.

Yesterday, I asked my mom if I was like my dad and two brothers. Each of them has a habit of starting a project, then stopping. Then they start another new project, then stop. And so on and so on. After a period of time has gone by, behind them are a series of unfinished projects.

I don’t remember why I asked my mom this question, but I expected her answer to be “no” that I wasn’t like them. I correctly predicted her answer, but not for the reason I was expecting. Her response (paraphrasing):

“No, but then again you don’t really ever START projects. At least not in a long time. It’s kind of hard to have incomplete goals if you never have any goals in the first place.”

And she’s right.

I earned a college scholarship for playing baseball because I made it a goal.

I graduated college and later earned my Master’s because I made each a goal.

I became debt free because I made it a goal.

To date, I’ve never made “find someone — stop being single” a goal of mine. All the times in my life where I have (temporarily) found someone, I stumbled into them. It happened accidentally, almost in spite of me.

Past life goals I’ve set and reached were set and reached because I wanted them badly enough.

Have I reached that place in regards to my single status?

That’s the million dollar question.