Every New Year, people all over the world make resolutions. Some are actually successful with their resolutions. Sadly, most throw in the towel with their resolutions long before the new year comes to a close.

Alas, more times than not I find myself in the latter group.

But not this year.

Since I am a brilliant innovator who thinks outside the proverbial cardboard box, I have decided to turn potential failure into success. No matter what happens, one way or another I will be successful when January 1, 2011 rolls around.

How? Why?

Because for 2010, I am going to set completely ridiculous, inexplicable resolutions for myself — resolutions I wouldn’t WANT to meet in a million years. That way, when I “fail” to do them, I’ll be able to say “boy, I’m glad THAT didn’t happen!”

Ready? Too late. I’m doing it anyway.

1Stop being so awesome.
Seriously, isn’t the world getting sick and tired of me being awesome all the time? It has to be. Heck, even I’m getting a little sick of it. Just this morning, as I glanced in the mirror while brushing my teeth, I thought about how sad my toothbrush will be one day when I have to replace it.

“Poor toothbrush. Someday, when it comes time to get a NEW toothbrush, I will have to deprive it the honor of cleaning my teeth. Poor thing. Poor, poor inanimate object.”

Just imagine thinking such thoughts every morning. Now imagine thinking similar thoughts when you put in your contact lenses. Or wash your hair. Or bathe. Or put on a pair of socks. Or put on a cape and fly to work.

It would get old, right? Right. Now you feel my pain. My nagging, awesome pain.

2Stop making women weak in the knees.
I don’t mean to do it. Honest! It just happens. Women see me and their knees begin to buckle. As Adrian Monk would say, “It’s a blessing…and a curse.”

At grocery stores it isn’t as problematic since everyone has grocery carts to hold onto when they begin to fall. Retirement communities and hospitals are somewhat safe for similar reasons — those that would be hurt most by falling (the sick and elderly) are in wheelchairs, walkers or beds.

But then there was the time I went to a WNBA basketball game. It was horrible. Eight players suffered season-ending knee injuries. One player fell and hit her head on the scorer’s table. In the 4th quarter, with the score still tied at zero, fans began to boo and get out of hand. Feeling responsible, I stood up and tried to help calm down the crowd.

But all that did was cause fans begin to fall down like dominoes all around me.

Well, no more. In 2010, I vow that no woman will fall down because of me. I will avoid public settings, if at all possible. And whenever I see a lady begin to tumble, I will catch her.

Oh, did all of you assume I had ALWAYS tried to catch the women before they fell? Well, I didn’t.

Don’t judge me, people.

3Become dumber.
Sure, it’s nice being reasonably intelligent. But as I’m sure all of you, my intelligent readers, can attest to, sometimes it gets lonely being reasonably intelligent in a world filled with complete and total imbeciles.

Intelligent people are going the way of the dodo.

I don’t want to become a lost relic of a bygone era. I want to fit in with the common man. So, I will stop reading books. I will start reading blogs written by people who cannot spell. I will rent the first Twilight movie and go see the second one in theaters. I will shout “yes we can” without being ironic. While driving, I will “gun it” every time the light turns green.

And if all that fails, I will hit myself in the head with a hammer.

4Get in worst shape possible.
Everyone wants to “get healthy” when they make a New Year’s resolution. What ends up happening? Yep, they fail. Well, I’m going to do the opposite. I’m going to try to get in the worst shape possible. And if my logic is correct, when I fail at this resolution it will mean I actually became healthier. Right? No, seriously, I’m asking. This is sort of confusing.

5Become a procrastinator.
As a teacher, I preached the perils of procrastination to my students. Well, if I truly want my resolutions for 2010 to be a success (Or is that supposed to be a failure? I’m so confused.), I need to add procrastination to the list. That way I’ll be certain to ensure none of these other resolutions come true.

I can’t very well stop being awesome if I put it off, right? And I can’t stop wooing the ladies if I procrastinate in addressing my innate attraction. I can’t become dumber if I never get around to renting Twilight or hitting myself in the head with a hammer. And I can’t get in the worst shape possible (Translation: Eat as many McRib sandwiches as allowed by law) if I procrastinate and wait until McDonald’s stops selling them, right?

Yes, this is a brilliant plan. And look, I’ve already gotten started on the whole procrastination thing. It’s January 4. Everyone else in the world made their resolutions days ago.

Suckers.

How about the rest of you? Did you make any interesting resolutions for 2010? To those curious, my REAL resolutions will go online later this week.