A long, long time ago (Translation: Last March) in a galaxy far, far away (Translation: Here), I wrote a series of posts I categorized as Live Blogging. What’s that, you ask? I defined it as “blogging meets live chatting, except I’m only chatting with myself.”

It was, in a word, awesometastic.

But alas, it has been nearly a year since I’ve written a live blog. What happened? Well, inspiration has been a tricky thing. Does the fact I’m about to resurrect live blogging mean my inspiration has returned? Well, no. I’m just gonna wing it.

You’re welcome, people.

11:30 AM

While running errands on Saturday, my mom sent me a text message asking if I could pick her up some milk. I agreed, reluctantly, after remembering if not for her I would never have been born.

Not wanting to deal with a grocery store just to buy milk, I stopped by the nearest Wal-Greens. I grabbed some milk and on my way to the checkout counter I noticed salted and unsalted cashews were on sale. As a cashew fan (I am pro-cashews), I grabbed my jar and proceeded to the checkout.

This cashew-diversion took all of ten seconds, but those ten seconds allowed a 40ish man with about a dozen items to get to the checkout lane ahead of me. There was no one else in line, so this man was able to walk right up to the counter. My milk, cashews and I came up right behind him.

All was well until the checkout girl, who was cute and appeared to be in her early 20s, had trouble scanning a bottle of hairspray the man was trying to purchase. All his other items had been scanned and bagged. This one bottle of hairspray was all that remained.

The checkout girl called for a manager, and then the three of us waited. The man, who was bald, was not about to leave without this bottle of hairspray. The checkout girl looked uncomfortable and did her best to look anywhere except in the direction of the man with hairspray. I surmised that the checkout girl was much more pleasant to look at than the back of the hairspray man’s head. Meanwhile, my hand was becoming numb from holding the cold jug of milk.

After a few minutes, the manager finally made his way to the checkout counter. He grabbed one of his numerous keys, turned a lock on the cash register, re-scanned the bottle of hairspray, got a confused/perplexed look on his face, mumbled something to the checkout girl, and then announced “the system” wouldn’t let him scan the hairspray. In short, the man couldn’t buy it.

“This is ridiculous,” the bald hairspray man replied. “Why can’t I buy it? It’s on your shelves, I should be able to buy it.”

This bald man meant business.

By this time, I line had developed behind me. With no other open checkout lanes, this man and his precious hair spray were keeping half a dozen people from buying their items and going on their merry way.

The manager told the man he would “be right back…let me go check on something.”

This left the poor checkout girl alone to face the angry bald man.

Five minutes, I kid you not, went by. At least two people who were in line behind me gave up and left (I’m assuming without the items they wanted to purchase).

Finally, the manager returned and said the man could buy his precious, precious bottle of hair spray. The checkout girl took his money, gave him change and the man left the store. I’m assuming he went home to sacrifice a goat in the name of the hairspray or something. Or maybe he was off to buy it flowers and write it a poem?

It was now my turn to be at the front of the line. I could tell the checkout girl was skiddish. She was no doubt worried about the possibility she would have to endure MORE angry customers like the bald hairspray man.

I did my best to put her at ease.

Smiling I said “hello” as I put my milk and can of cashews on the counter.

“That guy must have REALLY needed that hairspray,” I jokingly say to her.

She laughs and says, “yeah, apparently!”

Her nerves calmed, I decided to make sure she knew I still meant business.

“Let’s just hope we don’t have similar problems with this can of cashews,” I replied.

“That bald man was a teddy bear compared to me. I will burn this place down.”

Long story short, those cashews were delicious.

(By a show of hands, who thinks I made up this story?)

12:51 PM

Perhaps the biggest appeal of eating lunch at Subway (beyond it providing several healthy eating options) is the fact your food is prepared in front of you. You see the entire process — from your bread being cut in half to your finished sandwich being wrapped in paper.

Did the employee sneeze on your food? Nope, you were watching him the whole time. Did they put tomatoes on your sandwich like you asked? Yep, you saw them do it.

Now compare that to your average fast-food chain. You have no idea what’s happening behind the scenes. None at all. This, in itself, is worrisome enough, but have you ever taken a good look at the people who work at fast-food restaurants? I mean, a really good look?

Yeah, you paid that guy/girl to make your food.

And you ate it.

And now you’re going to die.

Someday. I dunno.

1:22 PM

Dear Yahoo.com,

Please, for the love of all this is good and holy, never again display a photo of Lady GaGa on your homepage.

If your goal was to scare children, the elderly, animals, intimate objects, monsters, aliens and people who are not blind, then congratulations. Mission accomplished.

But unless you are paying for each and every one of us to get a lobotomy, Yahoo, I suggest you cut it out.

3:11 PM

Given how well his plan to overhaul the health care system has gone thus far, color me skeptical that Obama will be able to overhaul (for the better!) the No Child Left Behind law.

I think Obama should start smaller. Perhaps he could first overhaul and reorganize his sock drawer? Once he’s done that, he can move on to something a bit more complicated: his t-shirts.

Once he’s mastered that, he can practice making himself a sandwich. No Barack, sand doesn’t belong in a sandwich. Silly boy.

3:53 PM

When I was a teacher, I was a big fan of multiple choice questions. My all-time favorite question and available choice of answers?

Question: This question makes no sense.

A) True
B) False
C) None of the above

Watching their little heads twitch after reading that one was a joy to behold.

I was such an awesome teacher.