I’m conflicted.

I enjoy movies, but I loathe movie stars. Their vanity is only surpassed by their arrogance, which is only surpassed by their delusions of grandeur. And yes, I realize all three of those things are related.

Seriously, if every movie starred the cast of The Muppets, I’d probably be okay with it. Muppets don’t have egos. Muppets don’t talk down to the general public and tell them who they should vote for in elections. Muppets recognize their roles in this universe. They’re props.

Plus, it’s hard to have an ego when a puppeteer has their hand up your caboose.

The nominees for this year’s Academy Awards were announced today and my confliction intensifies. I’m curious to find out who/what did and did not receive nominations, but my curiosity is subdued by the knowledge most of these nominees are pampered blowhards who believe the world revolves around them.

Who was elected? Who’s going to win?

Much like my rooting for “ABF” during the NFL playoffs this year (“Anyone but [Brett] Favre”), for the Oscars my battle cry is usually “Anyone but Sean Penn.”

However, since Penn wasn’t nominated this year — a fact I can only assume means Penn did not appear in any films this year, because Lord knows the Hollywood community kisses the man’s backside to the point it would nominate him even if all he did was make a two-second cameo in a documentary about watching grass grow — I have to put a little more thought into who I’ll be rooting for (i.e. being the least indifferent towards) this year.

Best Supporting Actress

• Penelope Cruz, “Nine”
• Vera Farmiga, “Up in the Air”
• Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”
• Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”
• Mo’Nique, “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”

My Thoughts: Penelope Cruz used to date Tom Cruise. She should therefore be ineligible to win this or any other award. Plus, she’s already won one of these things. I have no idea who Vera Farmiga is, so I can’t in good conscious root for her. After all, she could punch kittens in her spare time or something. Maggie Gyllenhaal has a face only a blind mother could love and her political views annoy me. She’s out. That leaves Anna Kendrick and Mo’Nique. Mo’Nique’s name is inexplicable, so she’s disqualified. I have no idea who Anna Kendrick is, but I’m taking a chance on her since she’s cute. She’s my pick.

Best Supporting Actor

• Matt Damon, “Invictus”
• Woody Harrelson, “The Messenger”
• Christopher Plummer, “The Last Station”
• Stanley Tucci, “The Lovely Bones”
• Christopher Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds”

My Thoughts: Matt Damon is a good actor, but he annoys me. In “Invictus”, he stars in a soccer movie. He’s therefore disqualified. Woody Harrelson is insane. I do not root for insane people. Christopher Waltz portrays a Nazi in his movie, and I fear a horrible precedent could be set if we give an Oscar to a Nazi, real or otherwise. That leaves Stanley Tucci and Christopher Plummer. Tucci has starred with Monk’s Tony Shalhoub numerous times, and Shalhoub rocks. Plummer, on the other hand, starred in “The Sound of Music” back in the day. Advantage Plummer.

Best Actress

• Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side”
• Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”
• Carey Mulligan, “An Education”
• Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
• Meryl Streep, “Julie&Julia”

My Thoughts: Sandra Bullock should not be eligible to win an Oscar during the same year she starred in “All About Steve” — one of the worst movies in years. That would be like giving Obama a Nobel Prize during the same year he did a crappy job as president. Insanity. Helen Mirren reminds me of my Algebra teacher in high school, so she’s out. I have no idea who Carey Mulligan or Gabourey Sidibe are, so they are indefinitely disqualified until they come to their sense and co-star in a movie with Kevin Costner (that way, I will know who they are). That leaves Meryl Streep as the last woman standing.  She gets the nod due to her having co-starred with Amy Adams in “Julia&Julia.” Amy Adams is cute.

Best Actor

• Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart”
• George Clooney, “Up in the Air”
• Colin Firth, “A Single Man”
• Morgan Freeman, “Invictus”
• Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker”

My Thoughts: I was pretty certain Jeff Bridges had died years ago, so imagine my surprise when I see he is nominated for an Oscar. Still, just in case I was right, I cannot in good conscious vote for a dead person. If George Clooney was 1/100 as talented and suave as George Clooney thinks he is, his mere presence would melt off people’s faces. He’s smug and annoying.  He’s out. Jeremy Renner sounds like the name of a guy I knew in high school. If memory serves, that kid was annoying. So he’s out. That leaves Colin Firth and Morgan Freeman. I’m assuming, of course, that Freeman is the narrator in this movie since he’s the narrator in virtually every movie that’s been released the last five years. Since I don’t believe a narrator should win an award for acting, I’ll go with Colin Firth.

Best Movie

• “Avatar”
• ”The Blind Side”
• ”District 9″
• ”An Education”
• ”The Hurt Locker”
• “‘Inglourious Basterds”
• ”Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
• ”A Serious Man”
• ”Up”
• ”Up in the Air”

My Thoughts: Why are there so many movies nominated? This is insane. The hype surrounding “Avatar” rivals the hype of “Titanic” back in the day. Therefore, I’m boycotting it.

“The Blind Side” is a sports movie, but it’s the wrong kind of sports movie. I like baseball. Plus, the term “blind side” refers to the offensive tackle in football who blocks on the blind side of the quarterback. If the quarterback is right-handed, the left tackle blocks his blind side. If he’s left-handed, it’s the right tackle. The real-life football player in the movie, Michael Oher, might have blocked his quarterback’s blind side when he was in high school and college, but in the pros he doesn’t. Therefore, this movie is disqualified.

I saw “District 9″, but I couldn’t undertstand half the words the lead actor spoke. “An Education” reminds me of homework. I think of “Foot Locker” whenever I read the name “The Hurt Locker.” The producers of that movie should have considered this when naming it. “‘Inglourious Basterds” starred Brad Pitt with a southern accent. As a southerner, I found it highly offensive. Why don’t we southerners have our own version of Al Sharpton? “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” is the stupidest movie title since “Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.” It’s out.

“A Serious Man” sounds very boring. How serious is he? Very serious? If so, I’m not interested. “Up in the Air” stars George Clooney. Um, no.

That leaves “Up”, a movie I saw and actually liked. Best of all, it’s animated. No smug actors are on the screen. Therefore, it’s the feel good movie of the year.

What do the rest of you think?