Apparently, there is no correlation between having a Jesus Fish on your car & being a good driver

Not too long ago, the importance of having “a good breakfast” finally penetrated the thick surface I call my skull. Since that time, I make sure to eat breakfast each and every morning. Sometimes I have oatmeal, but I usually I have eggs and fruit.

This morning, I was running a little late for work. So, rather than making my own breakfast, I needed to pick up something on the way. Chick-fil-a, with its chicken breakfast burrito and medium fruit cup, is my go-to “on the run” breakfast.

So, I make it to Chick-fil-a. I’m in the turn lane, waiting for an opening in traffic so I can take a left, pull up to the drive-thru menu, order my food and be on my way.

But one particularly special SUV was bound and determined to make this harder for me than it needed to be.

Traffic was almost cleared enough for me to make my left-hand turn. Once this very special SUV was past me, I had a clear opening.

So, the SUV is coming towards me at a pretty good pace. Then it slows down. A lot. Then it speeds up again. By this point, I assumed the driver was either putting on lipstick, was on drugs or didn’t know where she was going (or perhaps a combination of all three).

Then, at the last possible moment, without slowing down, this SUV decided “Hey, here’s a Chick-fil-a…I should totally eat here!” And then she made a right-hand turn into Chick-fil-a at such a great velocity I was amazed she didn’t flip her vehicle.

But fine. Whatever. I was now free to turn into Chick-fil-a myself, so that’s what I did. Of course, I now found myself behind this ridiculously special SUV in the drive-thru menu. But that shouldn’t be a big deal, right? So long as she doesn’t do something insane, I won’t even notice that she’s in front of me. Right?

Sadly, for possibly the first time in my life (he says jokingly), I was wrong.

First, the SUV almost runs over a little old lady who was walking from her parked car to the entrance of the Chick-fil-a. Apparently, special SUV driver didn’t know to yield to pedestrians. Or, maybe she did, but she didn’t think she had to for people over the age of 70. Or maybe she didn’t see the little old lady because she was still putting on lipstick while snorting cocaine?

Regardless of her reasons, thankfully, she didn’t run over the little old lady.

(However, since I hate to see started work go unfinished, I did tap the little old lady with my fender. You know, just to keep her on her toes and show her who’s boss.)

With the little-old-lady saga now over, the SUV makes its way to drive-thru menu. There are no other vehicles in front of it. The driver is free to pull up, order and be on her way.

But that’s not what she did.

With me, and another car by this point, directly behind her, the special driver of the special SUV stopped about ten yards short of the drive-thru menu.

Then she sat there.

For two minutes.

Now, I don’t know what she was doing. Maybe she was trying to decide what she wanted to order before pulling up all the way. Maybe she had children in the back seat I couldn’t see and she was asking them what they wanted to eat. Or maybe she was feeding her children lipstick and cocaine while she had a conversation with one of the many voices in her head.

Regardless of what she was doing, a little part of me was dying inside with every passing second she did it.

Now, for those wondering why I didn’t honk my horn at this lady so she’d snap out of her trance, I didn’t have to. Multiple vehicles behind me were honking their horns at her every ten seconds or so. Releaved of this burden, I was free to ponder what it feels like to slowly die.

(To those wondering what it feels like: It tingles. Of course, that might have been from my leg falling asleep.)

Finally, the lady in the special SUV decided to pull up to the menu, give her order and drive forward.

Sort of.

She drove forward about ten yards (even though no vehicles were in front of her), which BARELY gave me enough room to pull up to the menu to give MY order without hitting her bumper. My hunch is she MEANT to block me from reaching the menu at all, but she overshot it. Once she saw that I was at the menu and able to give my order, she drove on.

I was clearly dealing with a psychopath.

After giving my order, I pulled around to the window. Already at the window was the insane driver of the SUV. She had already paid and was waiting for her food. A few moments later, with her food in hand, she drove forward towards the exit.

Now, as you likely realized given the craziness I encountered when ENTERING the restaurant, this particular Chick-fil-a is not situated at a stop light. So, there are three lanes: One lane for customers entering from the main road. A turn-lane for customers wishing to exit Chick-fil-a and take a LEFT onto the main road. And a lane for existing customers taking a RIGHT onto the main road.

Which lane did crazy SUV lady choose?

The left AND right turn lanes.

And which way was she turning? Who knows. She didn’t have a turn signal. I’m pretty sure, if her vehicle were big enough, she would have tried to block all THREE lanes. But I digress.

Why did she do this? Well, for one, she’s insane. But mainly, I believe she was trying to deliberately block the vehicles behind her (me, plus the vehicles that had honked at her) from being able to exit Chick-fil-a.

I believe this because she sat there at the intersection for three minutes. Traffic was sparse, but she didn’t move. She just sat there. And waited. Waited for a line of vehicles to form behind her.

But alas, those vehicles never came. You see, for the first time ever, Chick-fil-a had to ask me to wait for my order. My breakfast burrito wasn’t ready.

So, I waited at the window. The vehicles behind me waited. And the crazy SUV sat twenty yards ahead, at the intersection, wondering what had happened to her angry mob.

After three minutes, she finally drove away. She made a LEFT turn, for those wondering. And a few moments later my food was handed to me. I drove up to the intersection and then turned right towards my work — thankful in the knowledge that crazy SUV lady was driving in the opposite direction.

The end.

What’s that? You’re wondering why I referenced a “Jesus Fish” in my title, but didn’t mention it in my actual post. Well, that’s because I’m now convinced the crazy lady who drove the SUV didn’t actually OWN the SUV. Yep, I think she stole it. Therefore, it wasn’t her Jesus Fish.

Of course, if it WAS her SUV and WAS her Jesus Fish, I am saddened beyond words.

If you put a decal on your vehicle or wear an item of clothing that signifies you are a Christian, you are making a statement to the rest of the world. You are saying: “I am a Christian. I love the Lord. I love Him so much, I want everyone reading this to know it!”

And when you make such a statement, you become an example for unbelievers. You can either enlighten them with the things you say or the things you do, or you can tear them down.

If they hear you use profanity, it will hold more significance than a biker with twenty tattoos who curses like a sailor. If they see you drinking a beer at a restaurant, they won’t think, “Oh, I’m sure he’s drinking in moderation and being responsible.” No, they will think: “That guy in the John 3:16 shirt is drinking a beer! With children ten feet away!!”

And if you drive like a crazy person and deliberately do things intended to provoke other drivers, well, if you’re lucky, they’ll think you stole the car. If you’re unlucky, you’ll become a stumbling block for someone.

And THAT, my friends, is the last thing a Christian should ever want to do.

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

5 thoughts on “Apparently, there is no correlation between having a Jesus Fish on your car & being a good driver

  1. Ugh, I would have gone total road rage on her. I hate drivers that think they own the road.

    I haven’t been here for awhile, it’s nice to be back! I missed your musings. :-)

  2. I do believe that lady turned left and drove to Columbia, where I met her at every turn of the road over the last week. Nutty and rude drivers are sooooo the norm where I live. Did you ever get to work that day? Was the burrito good? Eat mor chikin …

  3. @Ronda: Well, the week didn’t start off BADLY or anything. Just…interesting, I suppose you could say!

    @Diana: Welcome back! You’ve been MIA for…gosh, a long, long time. So much for my theory that SKOS is as addictive as crack. ;-)

    @Jenny: If she made it all the way to Columbia driving like she was driving, it’s a miracle. That’s one of the worst/angriest drivers I’ve ever encountered.

    But yes, I eventually made it to work! And the breakfast burrito was goooood (and healthy!). :)

  4. Here is a joke for you:
    James Bond was at a bar and he met a chicken. The chicken asked James Bond’s name and he said, “Bond. James Bond.” Then James Bond asked the chicken his name and the chicken replied, “Ken. Chic Ken.”

    Hahaha! What a groaner.

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