There was once upon a time in my life, around the age of 19, that I deliberately tried to make myself look unattractive in order to ward off female admirers. (Please don’t let the over-the-top vanity of that sentence stop you from reading the rest of this post.)

You see, I had just broken up with a girlfriend. I was young and the idea of finding someone else just didn’t appeal to me. Being melancholy seemed like a much better route for my teenage self to take. So, I popped a Counting Crows disc into my CD player and set out to up the gloom in my doom.

Of course, my “plan” to make myself look less attractive was so stupid, so idiotic, it makes me think “Teenage Kev” possibly had a learning disability.

My plan?

Grow a goatee.

That’s right. My plan for turning into a walking, talking female repellent was simply to grow a goatee. That was it. That’s all I believed was needed to send girls running for the hills.

Why did I believe this? Because during the summer of my sophomore year of high school, I grew a goatee and thought it looked stupid. “I look like a buffalo” was the quote, I believe, I gave to nearby reporters. And by nearby reporters I mean my mom and the family cat, who happened to be next to my mom at the time.

You see, in my mind, if I thought I looked awful in a goatee it meant everyone else would surely think I looked awful in one, too.

Yes, I was that stupid. I can only imagine that if the 19-year-old version of me ever found himself in a game of hide ‘n’ seek, he would have stood in the middle of the room and closed his eyes under the assumption no one could see him since he couldn’t see them.

Thirteen years later, things have changed considerably.

For starters, I’m not an idiot. And secondly, and mainly, I’m no longer (that) vain. In fact, it’s tilted the other way. No, I don’t suffer from low self esteem. I know I’m not exactly chopped liver. But my initial reaction to a girl making small talk with me or looking my way isn’t “she likes me.” More likely, I’m thinking: “Either there’s something on my face or this girl is distracting me so someone can sneak up and steal my wallet. Better spray her with mace just to be safe.”

However, lately, I find my outlook changing. I’m working out like I did in my “athlete” days, I’m eating healthy and I’m dressing better. And, as a result, I’ve noticed more people looking my way and finding reasons to chat with me.

Maybe it’s because I feel better about myself. Maybe it’s because I actually do look better than I did just a few months ago. Maybe, because of the recession, more people are looking to steal my wallet. All three are possibilities, but I’m betting on the first two.

So, when two girls walk into the gym, look around for a few moments and decide to grab the two elliptical machines directly next to me, I no longer think: “Why did they have to pick THOSE two machines when the rest are empty?? They must want to annoy me. Gosh, I hate annoying people. Look at them. They even look annoying.”

Instead I think: “I wonder if they picked those two machines because they wanted to be next to me? Maybe they think I’m cute? Hmmm. Better spray the first girl with mace just to be sure. If they don’t leave, I’ll know they dig me.”

And when, like this past Saturday at the grocery store, a nice-looking brunette smiles with the brightness of two suns after I ask her a polite question, I no longer think something might be wrong with her.

The old me would have thought: “Am I the first person to ever talk to this girl? Did she think she was invisible or something? Better back away slowly…she’s got ‘stalker’ written all over her.”

The new me, instead, thinks: “She must have wanted me to strike up a conversation with her. If I was interested, I bet I could get her phone number.”

Of course, I didn’t do that on the grounds she could, you know, actually be a stalker in waiting.

So, in short boys and girls, the message of today’s post is this: How you see yourself plays a huge hand in how others see you.

If you’re feeling more attractive because you’ve been exercising, others will pick up on that. If you feel like a bloated whale, people will pick up on that, too. (Especially if you do, in fact, look like a bloated whale.)

And if you think you look like a buffalo because of a goatee, well, people will probably pick up on the fact you’re an idiot.