“Don’t spank your child! Give them a time out.”

This is the sage advice recommended by an article this week at Time. The American Academy of Pediatrics, Tulane University, Duke University and The Children’s Hospital Boston are all referenced in Time’s article.

For those who do not wish to read it, the consensus amongst these academic masterminds is that spanking a child is ineffective, it leads to more aggressive behavior as the child ages, and that giving a child a “time out” is a far more effective discipline practice. Quoth the article:

“These quiet times force children to calm down and learn to think about their emotions, rather than acting out on them blindly.”

I’m no expert, but I can spot asinine advice when I hear it. And in the relatively short history of my ridiculously awesome life, “don’t spank your child…give them a time out” ranks right up there with “let’s just talk to the terrorists” and “you’ve got to see this Keanu Reeves movie” as the most asinine advice I’ve ever heard.

Want to spot parents who drink the “these quiet times force children to calm down and learn to think about their emotions” kool-aid served in biodegradable, earth-friendly cups by these hippie experts?

They’re really easy to spot.

Just go to any grocery store.

Or the mall.

Or the airport.

Or any place that has people.

See that child running up and down the grocery store aisles? You know, the one yelling and screaming and crawling between the legs of total strangers who are simply trying to shop in peace?

Yeah, that adult you see staring at the child in shock and horror, the adult with a dead look in their eyes, that is a “time out” parent.

See that child at the mall jumping up and down and demanding ice cream from the food court? That tall person the child is talking to, the one trying to find Advil in her purse, that is a “time out” parent.

See that child sitting behind you on the plane? The one who is kicking your seat and exposing himself to the flight attendant? Yeah, that couple sitting across from the child, the ones reading magazines and not saying anything, those are “time out” parents.

Children like the ones I described above have grown up in a world where they know there is no real, tangible consequences to inappropriate behavior. Not being able to watch The Flintstones after throwing a box of Fruity Pebbles cereal at an elderly lady at the grocery store is not an appropriate pittance.

If I made a spectacle of myself in public when I was a child, my backside paid the price. I knew this. And it made me think twice before making a spectacle of myself. However, if I knew the only consequence when I got home was having to endure a time out, well, the child version of ol’ Kev here would have likely given society a whole heapin’ helpin’ of mischief on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

Elderly women would scream when they saw me and flinch whenever they saw the likeness of Fred Flinstone in the cereal aisle at the grocery store.

But, thankfully, my parents didn’t buy into the “time out” nonsense. They punished me when I misbehaved the way the good Lord intended parents to punish misbehaving children. They spanked me.

But they did more than that, hippie doctors of the world. They made sure I knew why I was being spanked. They made sure I knew what I did was wrong. They made sure I knew they loved me and that because they loved me they had to discipline me. They taught me that there are consequences to actions. Appropriate consequences.

In short, they raised me right.

The problems I see with “Young America” today can virtually all be traced to how we were raised. Look at the “35 and under” segment of society. You have married men and women who still rely on their parents for financial support. You have teens who think they deserve good grades in school even if they sleep in class and never study (and parents of said teens who will confront teachers and school administrators on behalf of said teens). You have children who act like zoo animals in public every…single…time they go out in public.

You have a segment of society who believe they are entitled to whatever they want. A segment that believes the good life should be handed to them on Nintendo Wii.

And you know where it all starts? It starts with Godless, passive parents giving their children time outs.

Those children grow up, become adults, vote for Obama, take up two spaces with their cars in parking lots, become incompetent employees, take out variable-rate mortgages on homes bigger than they need or can afford, rack up massive credit card debt, sit behind me in movie theaters and never stop talking, wear backwards baseball caps at the gym, wear Bluetooth headsets everywhere they go in public, and eventually have lazy children of their own who will seemingly make it their life’s mission to get on my last nerve.

So, people, for the love of all that is good and holy, please, spank your children.

They, and I, will thank you for it one day.