Dear Discover Bank:

It has been brought to my attention, due to the numerous e-mails you’ve sent me the last few weeks, that a savings account I had with a different bank has been transferred to you. So, instead of an “E-Trade Complete Savings Account,” I am now the proud owner of a “Discover Bank Online Savings Account.”

Considering I long ago stopped using my E-Trade account due to its ridiculously-low interest rate, not to mention the fact my balance was approximately $1.27, I greeted this news with a yawn, a stretch, and another yawn.

However, after receiving yet another e-mail from you this morning, I decided to thoroughly read your series of e-mails in the hopes of discovering why you were smothering me like a girlfriend who has self esteem issues. After reading each e-mail, I have come to the following, indisputable conclusion:

Discover Bank, you are dumber than the dirt under a dumb person’s fingernails.

Your first e-mail announced the account transfer and told me to be on the look out for a “Welcome Kit” that would contain my account number and login information. Subsequent e-mails told me to use the information in the welcome kit to log into my account at Discover Bank and reset my password.

I ignored these e-mails when I first received them due to the fact I had not yet received a “Welcome Kit” from you.

Then came the insipid e-mail from this morning.

Today’s e-mail was to inform me that there was an “incorrect address on file” and that the “Welcome Kit” mailed to me had been returned to you.

Your brilliant solution?

You tell me to log into my account at your website and update my mailing address.

This would be a wonderful idea — if not for the little matter of me having no freakin’ clue what my account number or password are since I never received the “Welcome Kit” that contains that essential information.

I would give your Customer Service number a call, but I do not wish to be pulled down with you into the depths of stupidity. The representative I talk to will surely need my account number, which I don’t have, again, because I never received the welcome kit. Would my E-Trade account number be enough confirmation to prove I’m me? Maybe. Hopefully. But given your idiocy thus far, I kind of doubt it.

Frankly, I’m inclined to say the $1.27 or so in my account just isn’t worth all this hassle.

Consider it a donation.

It’s not a lot of money, but maybe it’s enough for you to go out and buy a clue.