Almonds are awesome. Their deliciousness is only matched by their nutritiousness. They’re so abundant; how did I miss their magnificence all these years? It’s like someone stranded on a tropical island not discovering bananas. Or Rosie O’Donnell not discovering her mustache despite the steady presence of children who point and say, “Mommy, why is that man with a mustache going into the ladies’ restroom?”

Almonds are too expensive! Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t we in a recession?! Good grief, Obamas, if you’re so concerned with healthcare and childhood obesity, why don’t you tackle the out-of-control almond industry!? Almonds should be free! No, check that, almonds should be free AND I should get a tax rebate for eating them!! Hop to it, you wastes of space!

The happy surprises that come with losing weight are limitless. For example, when the last notch on my belt became too loose, I grabbed a knife and made a new hole. When that became too loose, I made another hole. This morning, I realized it’s time to grab a knife and create another new hole in my belt. Retiring my swiss-cheese belt and buying a new one (or two) sounds like a good idea.

New clothes are expensive! A black leather belt. A brown leather belt. Why can’t I just tie a rope around my waist to hold up my pants like hillbillies do?! Hillbillies are stylish. Right?

Four-day weekends are the best. With our work load slowing to a crawl as we wait for new projects to be funded, I took advantage of the downtime and stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday. Four days of rest and relaxation was just what the doctor ordered.

The first day back at work after a long weekend is torture! Oh boy, voice mail messages are waiting for me to listen to them. Wonderful, I have 27 unread e-mails. What’s that, annoying co-worker? You have to ask me a question? Splendid. It’s a good thing I’m fully rested after my four-day weekend; now, I have the energy to throat punch everyone in the building!

Gosh, the weather has been so beautiful lately. The skies have been so blue, the sun has been so bright… it’s definitely Spring. Time for me to start cleaning my pool and getting it swim worthy!

Stupid UVA and UVB rays! Sunscreen doesn’t grow on trees, you know!!

*Note: I’m not really bipolar. Honest.