Work at my place of employment is slow these days.

Chalk it up as one of the many joys of working as a government contractor. We’re waiting for new projects (eight, to be exact) to be funded. Once that happens I’ll have loads to do. But in the meantime, in the here and now, I have nothing to do. This is the downside to being such an awesome and fast worker: I finished all my old projects before they had time to get new ones ready.

With unemployment sky high, three co-workers being laid off the past few months and my aforementioned “I have nothing to do” situation, should I be worried about my job? Could I be let go? Could I be, for the dyslexics in the audience, fried?

To paraphrase a quote from the late Bill McNeal, my formidable talent precludes such a thing from ever happening.

However, even though my termination is an impossibility, my dying of boredom is possible. And so, I’m going to dust off that live blogging thing I sometimes I do.

You’re welcome, people.

7:37 AM

For the first time ever, every single elliptical machine was occupied when I got to the gym this morning.  There were only three cars in the parking lot and only six people in the entire gym, but five of those people decided “hey…I am gonna try this funny lookin’ machine next to the treadmills.”

I can only assume that if I had planned on using that inexplicably named “Butt Buster” machine no one uses, there would have been a line of people waiting to use the machine. Because, clearly, there is some evil plot against me afoot.

9:55 AM

Have you ever watched a movie where you didn’t expect to find nudity and, boom, you find nudity?

Have you ever felt sorry for the unclothed/unknown actress who probably thought the role was the “big break” that would launch her to stardom and/or a successful acting career?

Have you ever thought about how the (usually) gratuitous scene will follow the actress around for the rest of her days? How it will be all she is known for amongst family, friends, acquaintances and everyone she went to school with? How every guy she ever dates or hopes to date will be able to easily find out about her past via a simple Google search? How her children, someday, likely from teasing classmates at school, will learn about her past?

Yeah. Me neither.

12:01 PM

Say the word “superficial” out loud. Notice how “fish” appears in it? To me, this is undeniable evidence that proves something I’ve been saying for years:

Fishermen are way, way too superficial.

Just look at their outfits. Need I say more?

12:49 PM

Apparently, a rapper I’ve never heard of died today.

RIP, rapper I’ve never heard of.

1:33 PM

This is why I’m only half-joking when I say people should be required to pass an intelligence test before being allowed to reproduce.

There is a movement called “unschooling”, according to ABC News. What is it? Why, it’s a movement where parents don’t make their kids go to school. And they don’t homeschool them either. They just let their kids stay home and do whatever the heck the want.

The idea, said one delusional mom, is to allow kids to “find their own interests.” If those “interests” are watching television all day and never, ever reading a book, then so be it.

This same mother also, along with her equally insane and delusional husband, believes in “no rules” for her kids. Chores? Nope, they don’t have any. Eat your vegetables? Nope, the kids get to eat whatever they want whenever they want. Curfew? Nope, the 15-year-old daughter is allowed to stay out all night as late as she wants.

Said a different mother, whose children all appear to be under the age of eight:

“There is no hierarchy in our house. So there’s no judgment, no punishment, no discipline.”

This is why our society is going to Hades in a hand basket. Those “spare the rod” parents I blogged about last week?

Yeah, this is the crap they pull once they decide “timeouts” are too strict and unfair.

2:02 PM

Seriously, some people are too stupid for words. No hierarchy, no judgment and no discipline for your children still a decade away from driving? Really? That’s your plan?

At one point in the video, a mom lets her young son grab a doughnut for breakfast. She asks, “You’re going to have a doughnut” as if to make sure, and the boy nods yes.

Someday, that child will grow up to be a 400-pound diabetic who still lives with his mom. And as he shovels dozens of doughnuts into his face day after day, the mom will smile and think to herself, “Gosh, I’m such a good mother.”

It’s not technically child abuse, but it’s pretty close.

4:20 PM

I’ve got an idea for all the cool, hippie, “unschooling” parents out there. Why not litter your homes with drugs, loaded guns, porn mags and other such items? Let your children decide what they should and should not partake in.

After all, the children know what’s best for them, right?

4:28 PM

I have thought of one upside to the “unschooling” movement.

If it catches on and becomes prevelent, my children (no, I don’t have any yet) will be quite successful and popular due to the fact a large segment of their peers will never bathe, will be addicted to narcotics, will be 200-pounds overweight, and will be illiterate.

So, there’s that.

5:15 PM

All joking aside, I hope those children use their “no hierarchy, no punishments, no judgments” situations to their advantage.

Namely, I hope they put poison in the kool-aid their parents are drinking.