Introductions are overrated!

8:08 AM

I’m still incredibly sore from Sunday’s “manually cut down all the grass and weeds in my yard using a grass and weed cutter like they did it in the olden days” situation.

Though it’s nowhere near the same level, it reminds me of the time in college where I could barely walk for an entire week.

I was a freshman on the college baseball team. It was my first semester in college. Real practices and games wouldn’t begin until the Spring, but “Fall Conditioning” was set to commence. I expected some weight lifting and a little jogging. I expected wrong.

We were told to meet at the baseball field and to be wearing running shoes. Once there we were given the following simple instructions: “Follow that guy.”

“That guy” was some dude from the school’s track team. He began jogging down a road. We followed him.

I’m not sure if it’s still the case, but when I was there my college was known to have the biggest campus in the world. It spanned something like 29,000 acres. And we jogged practically every inch of it.

As we got to the finish line (which was also the starting line, the baseball field), the coaches told us we went about 24 miles. Over half of those miles were uphill.

But our “conditioning” didn’t stop there. We were then told to “line up.” We were about to do sprints. For the next hour. With approximately 15 seconds of rest between each sprint.

That was on a Monday. The next day, we did the very same thing. Ditto Wednesday. Ditto again on Thursday and Friday.

I remember waking up Wednesday morning, after two days of this sadistic torture, and not being able to move.

I ached in places I didn’t even know I had muscles.

I couldn’t bend my knees. I could barely move. Getting dressed for classes that day took approximately 35 minutes.

And then I realized I couldn’t walk. I mean, I could walk, but it was very slowly. To walk ten yards would take me 90 seconds. I kid you not. And I could only do that by holding onto something.

So I did what anyone would do in that situation. I grabbed my umbrella. No, it wasn’t because it was raining outside. It was because I needed it. As a walking stick.

For that entire day, I walked around campus with the aid of an umbrella. I walked at the speed of molasses, if molasses had just jogged 48 miles the previous two days.

At least today, in my current predicament, I don’t need an umbrella.

I’m still using one, though. You know, because umbrellas are so stylish.

12:20 PM

A day after “shocking” my pool with chlorine, it is now a lighter shade of green. Instead of looking like a swamp, it now resembles lemon-lime Gatorade.

I’d be tempted to drink it, but I don’t like frogs in my Gatorade.

2:57 PM

I took a long lunch break to run by the pool store and pick up some more chemicals. First up, I needed a new skimmer basket. One of my old ones had a crack in it. Since crack is wack, it had to go.

Next I got a refill on my two giant containers of liquid chlorine. I pour both of them into the pool each night, so in a few days hopefully my lil’ “frogs in the pool” problem will be no more.

Finally, I remembered a tip a friend told me last season, back when I was a pool newbie:

“The product (my husband) swears by is made by Bio-Guard. The exact name is SmartShock Oxidizer, STEP 2. He does not use Step 1 or any subsequent steps.”

Since I’m a big fan of skipping or omitting steps whenever possible (Example: Why should I have to cook my spaghetti noodles before adding sauce?), I bought three bags of the stuff.

4:06 PM

What’s this??

Obama might have intentionally snubbed Alex Rodriguez (I refuse to call him A-Rod. It’s Alex Rodriguez, $-Rod or “That Guy I Can’t Stand”) when the New York Yankees visited the White House on Monday???

Why, this is the most ZZZZzzzZZZzzzZZzzzzz…..

If I had to choose sides in a battle between Barack Obama and Alex Rodriguez, I’d choose Rodriguez. He has a baseball bat. And I could borrow said bat and put myself out of my misery.

5:16 PM

(From the mind of the boy in this photo.)

Hello, “Einstein.” My mom says you’re the world’s smallest horse. Gosh, you’re cute. Wanna know a secret? Come in close, I don’t want my mom to hear. Closer.

(whispers) “As soon as my mom turns her head, I’m gonna ride you!”

I know what you’re thinking, Einstein. “I’m too big. You’re too small. If you ride me, you’ll break me like a twig!” Hush, sweet Einstein. That’s just crazy talk.

Sure, my head is much too large for a boy my age. Heck, doctors say it’s the biggest head they’ve ever seen. Said it weighs 67 pounds or something like that. I’m not sure if that’s a lot or not, but I do know my entire body weighs 79. Is that a normal head-to-body-weight ratio, Einstein?

Haha. I just remembered who I’m talking to. You’re a horse, Einstein! You don’t know math! Haha. I crack myself up sometimes.

Where was I? Oh yes. Riding you.

Don’t be afraid, Einstein. Sure, I’ve tried riding other animals before. And true, those haven’t ended well. Behind our garage, we have a pet cemetery for all the cats and dogs that have died because I tried to ride them.

But you’re different, Einstein! You’re a horse!! You were born to have kids like me jump on your back and ride you around the yard. Come on, what do you say??

Aha! Mom’s cell phone just rang. Now she’s distracted!! Any moment now and…yes! She’s turning her head!

Okay, Einstein. Here we go!!

(crack!)

No, Einstein!! No!! Not again! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?