I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Today’s live blog introduction is brought to you by the good people at SeaWorld. Hey, remember the movie Jaws 3? The one where the large shark gets loose at SeaWorld and kills numerous employees and SeaWorld customers? Wasn’t that a brilliant advertising strategy!
“Hey kids, for vacation this year let’s go to that theme park with all the fish! You know, the one in that movie with the shark that ate a bunch of people and gave you nightmares!!”
10:17 AM
I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think the absolute worst time to forget how to walk would be while you’re holding a large stack of glassware. While walking through a herd of sleeping wolves. While covered in lunch meats.
11:26 AM
Whatever happened to the band Chumbawamba?
Did someone knock them down?
I thought they were supposed to get up again? That you could never keep them down?
Gosh, I’m so disillusioned.
11:51 AM
I’ll admit it.
I’m more than a little disappointed not to be included on Time’s list of the 100 most influential people in the world.
Clearly, my inactivity on Facebook has come back to bite me.
1:15 PM
Having a fruit cup with your lunch is both delicious and nutritious.
It’s also guilt wrenching, if you imagine each piece of fruit has hopes and dreams and a family who will miss it.
That’s not a piece of fruit I’m about to bite into. It’s the only child of Mr. and Mrs. Fred Apple. She loves sunshine and rainbows, and she hoped to be one of those apples students hand to their teachers when she grew up. Her name is Suzie.
Poor, Suzie. Too bad my empathy does not match my hunger.
This might hurt a little…
3:18 PM
“If you were a tree…” might be the stupidest question ever asked.
Clearly, the answer is “dogwood.”
PETA is insane.
No, this isn’t a revelation. They’ve been coo coo for cocoa puffs ever since they were founded in 1980. But this latest news item is on another whole level of [insert sound of crazy person washing his hair with Jello while singing "I'm a little t-pot"].
PETA has bought advertising space on the funeral urns of an Oregon man with terminal colon cancer. (The man, a comedian, sold the space so his wife would not have to pay funeral costs.)
And what tasteful messages will PETA be using once the man passes? Why, check this one out:
“People who buy purebred dogs really burn me up. Always adopt.”
He’s ashes in an urn. Get it? It burns him up.
Or how about this perfectly appropriate message that will be displayed during a time when family and friends are grieving:
“I’ve kicked the bucket. Have you? Boycott KFC.”
Unbelievable.
This is the problem with PETA. It’s not that they love animals. I love animals. I come from a family of pet lovers. My dad owns a pet store.
No, the problem is People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals believe, based on their actions, that animals should be treated with more love, care and respect than people.
If a famous cow passed away (go with me on this one) and Chick-fil-a took the opportunity to promote their Eat Mor Chikin advertising campaign, PETA would go ballistic. You know they would. Their spokespeople would be on news stations slamming the restaurant chain for their insensitivity.
But the funeral urns of a man who died from cancer?
Why, that’s just a great opportunity to get their message out to the public.
Right?
;-) 4.29.10 at 11:01 am:
Maybe you should think about being more active on Facebook.
Re: Chumbawamba…I think the whiskey drink, vodka drink, lager drink, and cider drink gave Danny Boy alcohol poisoning and he died, so they broke up. They had no need to stay together since that was their one and only famous song.
;-) 4.29.10 at 12:26 pm:
@Angi: I’ll reconsider Facebook. Some day. If I’m really bored!
Oh, true. The whiskey drink, the vodka drink, the lager drink and the cider drink might have been too much for him to handle. I guess his bravado was no match for a shot liver.