I have 101 followers on Twitter.

To the uninitiated, this might seem like a lot. In reality, for a blogger and Twitter-er (?) as prolific as I am, it’s pretty unimpressive.

The only logical reason for this, I believe, is people must not understand my humor. Here at SKOS, I have hundreds or thousands of words to clarify my thoughts in a given blog post. And even then it’s sometimes difficult for readers to understand me!

But on Twitter, I only have 140 characters (not words, characters) to get my point across. A buck forty. That’s it.

So, as a public service, I am going to highlight some of my Twitter messages and explain them to all of you.

You’re welcome, people.

W asn’t planning on swimming today, but the pool is calling my name. “John. Come to me, John.” My pool thinks my name is John. – Sep 5th, 2009

Why this is funny and/or insightful: One, my name isn’t John. Two, pools can’t talk. Three, if my name was John and my pool did call out to me, the last thing I would do is get into the pool. That’s what a character in a bad horror movie would do.

M anly Tip #248: Real men don’t shave. They growl at the mirror and scare the hair off their face. – Sep 7th, 2009

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Growling at your facial hair is actually a very substandard shaving method.

Breaking News: (Ted) Kennedy rises from dead, steals car & drives off bridge. Obama calls him one of the ‘greatest zombies of our time.’ – Sep 17th, 2009

Why this is funny and/or insightful: At his funeral, Kennedy was called one of the “greatest senators of our time” by President Obama. This compliment was made despite two important tidbits:

One, in 1969 Kennedy “accidentally” drove a car off a bridge and into water. He fled the scene, leaving behind a passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, who was shown to have died from drowning and not from the impact of the accident. In short, Kennedy left her to die.

Two, Kennedy was, in fact, one of the most craptacular senators of our time.

Perhaps Obama’s teleprompter mixed up the words.

Breaking News: After nearly 3 months of decay, Michael Jackson is finally happy with his nose. – Sep 17th, 2009

Why this is funny and/or insightful: When Michael Jackson wasn’t making horrible music or molesting young boys, he was getting plastic surgery. He spent an unknown fortune remaking his nose and face. But, in the end, body decomposition, which costs nothing (except for your life), finally gave him the look for which he had been striving.

News Flash: The infant who wins the role of Pam and Jim’s baby on “The Office” will receive (an) Emmy in recognition of future accomplishments. – Oct 9th, 2009

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Last year, Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. He did not win it for his completed accomplishments, but for his future accomplishments. For his potential to do things.

In short, the Nobel committee is filled with idiots. And I say that based on both their completed idiotic accomplishments and their potential for future idiotic accomplishments.

If this work day was any duller, I could sell the movie rights to it and Hollywood could cast Keanu Reeves to star in it. – Jan 4th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Hollywood tends to make boring, inexplicably-horrible movies. And Keanu Reeves, an inexplicably-horrific actor, stars in many of them.

I bet chicken soup was a happy accident. Like all inventions, I suspect it was an attempt at curing impotence or baldness. – Jan 15th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Scientists spend way too much time trying to cure male impotence and baldness. With all the issues we face in society, helping all the bald, sexually-frustrated men walking around should be the least of our concerns.

T hat Sharon Stone “I am a stroke!” commercial scares me. Gosh, I hope I never have a Sharon Stone. – Jan 25th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because Sharon Stone is absolutely frightening.

I feel like blogging about the Academy Award nominations. On the other hand, I still feel like a heterosexual. Hmmm. – Feb 2nd, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Typically, only women and homosexual men care about The Oscars. Oh, and celebrities like Tom Cruise. Although, I suppose that is somewhat redundant.

Not sure what’s crazier: Elton John saying Jesus was gay in an interview or someone finding Elton John worth interviewing. – Feb 19th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because no one has cared about anything Elton John has said or sang since he did the soundtrack to The Lion King way back in 1994.

Ants have invaded my office. I haven’t killed so many things since high school when I killed the dreams of every girl I didn’t take to prom. – Feb 26th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because breaking the hearts of teenage girls is an impossibility. They’re much too even-keeled and logical for such a thing.

T im Burton to produce a film about (Abraham) Lincoln as a vampire hunter? Huh. Well, I guess this means we’ll get to see Johnny Depp in a beard & hat. – Mar 4th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Tim Burton tends to cast Johnny Depp in many of his films. Abraham Lincoln had a beard and liked to wear hats.

T he first same-sex marriage in D.C. happened today? But what about the Obamas? You mean Michelle isn’t…oh. My bad. – Mar 9th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because despite the media’s fawning over her, Michelle Obama looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick whose parents had been related.

Sometimes I wonder if dressing up like Batman every day just in case I witness a crime in progress is really worth the trouble. – Apr 2nd, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: It takes a long time to get into and out of that costume each day. And lets just say that going to the men’s room is an adventure.

T oday is Cinco de Mayo. You know what that means. Yep, I get to use the only three Spanish words I know. – May 5, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because I retained very little of what I learned in high school Spanish class.

So, now you know. Makes sense now, right? Right. Okay, so, if you haven’t done it already, follow me on Twitter. I promise to amuse and/or confound you on a daily basis.