My blog topics the past week have been all over the map. So, naturally, I should end the week with a live blog that takes that map, throws it in the trash, and draws a whole new map in its place. Then, after spilling green tea on the new map, it draws another map. This latest map, unfortunately, sustains a strawberry stain from a particularly stubborn piece of fruit I ate for lunch today.

And… I’ve totally lost my train of thought.

10:57 AM

According to Yahoo, this is the hairstyle that’s all the rage right now for teenage boys.

It’s called “The Bieber.”

I’m sorry, but that’s not a hairstyle. That’s a hazing prank gone wrong.

Seriously, if back in my high school “jock” days I decided to haze the freshmen players on the baseball team by giving them a bad haircut, “The Bieber” is what it would have looked like.

And those freshmen wouldn’t have been grateful. They wouldn’t have said: “Thanks! This hairstyle is going to be all the rage in 13 years. Chicks are gonna dig me!!”

No, they would have cried.

And possibly quit the baseball team.

And told their parents on me.

And I would have had to deny any wrong doing and pinned the crime on some random sophomore on the team.

I’m not sure where I was going with this.

1:50 PM

According to a survey by AARP, Americans the age of 45 and older are far more open to having sex outside of marriage than they were 10 years ago, but they’re engaging in sex less often and with less satisfaction.

According to AARP’s relationship expert, sociologist Pepper Schwartz:

“(People are) more liberal in their attitudes, yet they’re having sex less often. The only thing I see that’s changed in a negative direction is financial worries.”

The ONLY thing, Pepper Schwartz (if that’s your real name)?

Let me get this straight: Older Americans are significantly more willing to break marriage vows than they were ten years ago. But they’re having sex less often and with less satisfaction and you believe the problem is finances?!

This isn’t a financial issue, Pepper.

This is a moral issue.

A spiritual issue.

An “I am trying to fill the void in my life with all the wrong things” issue.

I don’t know much, but I know this: You cannot find happiness and fulfillment by living in sin.

You’ll continually feel empty. Like something is missing. Like your life is lacking.

And that’s because it is.

There’s a loneliness inside her … And she’d do anything to fill it in … And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now … It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
- Dave Matthews Band, ‘Grey Street’

2:40 PM

At the pool store yesterday, a young lady I would peg to be a decade my junior (22-ish) gave me a sustained smile the likes I haven’t seen since, well, possibly ever. A less-confident me would have assumed either I had a stain on my shirt or the girl was trying to distract me while one of her friends stole my wallet, but instead I returned a smile and proceeded with my business.

My business? Being awesome, of course.

And yes, business is booming.

3:23 PM

This morning, the Chick-fil-a employee I’ve mentioned a time or two told me what time she was getting off work today. Here’s the abridged version of our 30-second conversation:

Girl: “Hi! How are you doing?”

Me: “I’m good. How are you?”

Girl: “I’m great! I’ll be even better when my shift ends at 1:30. Just wish I had plans tonight.”

Me: “Wait, your shift can’t end. Who is going to bring me my food if I decide to come back to Chick-fil-a for dinner tonight?”

Girl: (laughs)

(And yes, this is precisely what was said.)

Judges?

3:55 PM

Since my past two updates could possibly give the impression I’m a bit too full of myself, I’ll enthrall all of you with an embarrassing story.

I was the summer of my 17th year. I was playing for my summer league’s all-star team and was the starting pitcher in the first game of a double-elimination series.

While running the bases in the fourth inning, I had to dive back to first-base after a pick-off attempt. In the process, I ripped a hole in my baseball pants.

The hole, sadly, was not in a convenient location.

It was, for lack of a better way to describe it, in the “baby-making region” of my uniform.

Now, at first the hole was pretty small. So, I didn’t say anything to anyone. I continued to run the bases that inning and later went back out to the pitcher’s mound.

If I was playing a position on the field that didn’t have to move very often, I would have been okay. Unfortunately, I was pitching. So, every single pitch I was lifting and bending and stretching and doing all the crazy things a pitcher has to do in order to deliver the baseball to home plate.

By the end of that inning, I had eight-inch tear along the inseam of my uniform.

For the first and only time in my life, I had to ask to be removed from a game. We were winning rather handily, if memory serves, so it wasn’t as though my uniform mishap cost us the game or anything. And I can’t say for certain anyone in the audience could see what was going on. No one was pointing or taking pictures, as far as I could tell.

Still, I learned a lesson that day.

Always bring two pairs of baseball pants to a game. Three pairs, if you’re pitching.

5:07 PM

According to the Social Security Administration, “Isabella” is now the top baby name for girls and “Jacob”, for the 11th consecutive year, is the top baby name for boys.

“Kevin” ranked 44th.

This obvious slight has not gone unnoticed and will not be forgotten.

Jacobs of the world, you better watch out.

I’m going to be kicking butt and taking names…

Yours.