I haven’t done a Dear Reader blog post in a while, so I thought it might be a good idea (i.e. an idea that will give my caffeine-deprived brain something relatively easy to blog about) to write one.
This time, I’ll mix it up a little bit. Instead of addressing readers who found my blog using…well, interesting search phrases, I’ll address comments and remarks made by readers who have recently left me comments.
First up is long-time reader Angi who, in reference to a tidbit I wrote in a live blog two weeks where I seemingly ignored an easy date opportunity with a female Chick-fil-a employee, asked:
I know you know this, but I thought you said she was cute and quite possibly right up your alley?
A new reader, verybadcat, had a similar comment when she vowed to “track (me) down and kick (me) in the shins” if I ever again left a girl hanging like that.
Dear Angi and verybadcat,
Thank you for your comments and concerns.
The short and honest (and therefore least funny) answer to your inquiries would be stating I still have eyes for someone else.
The longer and funnier answer would be that I’m trying to toe a line with this girl at Chick-fil-a:
I want to be friendly to her in case she ever chooses to break company protocol and give me free food, but I don’t want to offend her to the point she begins to “do things” to my food.
In short, there is a very fine line between frugality and food poisoning.
Next is a humorless fellow named Mark, who, based on the two comments he attempted to leave me over the weekend, is suffering from caffeine addiction and a Justin Bieber haircut.
For the silly, mundane, not-to-be-taken seriously blog post I wrote two YEARS ago about quitting coffee, Mark wrote:
Obsessions are normal. You probably think you are somehow special or unique from other people who aren’t as interested in coffee as you are; you’re not.
Mark later wrote:
You make quitting caffeine sound like deciding to get a haircut. I don’t know you and I certainly don’t think you’re awesome, so why do I find myself information searching and reading an article where a difficult procedure (caffeine withdrawal) is referred to as “reverting to [a] natural state of awesomeness.” How the hell could this be beneficial to anyone?
A few minutes later, for the post I wrote two Fridays ago that discussed, amongst other things, how ridiculous it is that Justin Bieber’s hairstyle is all the rage, Mark wrote:
I’m pretty sure that NO ONE gives a da*n what you think of this hairstyle.
Mark went on to say that I am a [word used for a feminine hygiene device], that I was probably a bully in high school, and that I should do everyone a favor and delete my blog.
It saddens me that you came to my site looking for medical advice, but went away disappointed. No doubt, my blog is very much lacking when it comes to providing helpful, medically-approved tips and tricks. This fact would cause me quite a bit of despair if not for one minor, yet essential, fact:
This is a humor blog, you moron.
The moment you arrived and discovered you were on a site named “Special Kind of Stupid”, you should have hit the back button on your browser. WebMD this isn’t.
Did you do that? Nope. Not only did you keep reading, you became so agitated by what I wrote TWO YEARS AGO that you took the time to leave me a 592-world comment.
And if THAT wasn’t sad enough, you then jumped to the present day, read my most recent blog post, and left a 267-word comment that took me to task for having the audacity to critique an inexplicably-h0rrible haircut.
Whether or not you believe anything I’ve ever written on this blog is funny is your business. You have the right to be humorless, after all. You also have the right to be unpopular, pretentious and annoying. It’s safe to say you are taking advantage of all these rights, based on your two comments. Clearly, you are living the American dream.
Good luck with the caffeine withdrawal and the absence of a life. You didn’t specifically mention the latter, but it was implied.
For those who are long-time readers, do you find it odd that the first overtly-hateful critique I’ve received in five years of blogging came as a result of posts about coffee and Justin Bieber?
Last is a short and sweet comment from regular reader, Jenny. In response to my zany Wild hearts can’t be broken (but tiny horses) can post from last month (the first of two posts I wrote on one particularly zany, even for me, topic), Jenny asked:
What in the sam hill are you smoking, friend?
A valid question. However, Jenny, surely you know I’ve never smoked anything in my entire life!
I did, though, accidentally, eat some of the secret sauce that smothers my enigma-wrapped cipher (see: my Twitter bio). Apparently, the sauce is a hallucinogenic.
In related news, why is there a unicorn dancing on the hood of my car? I would go out to the parking lot and stop him, but it’s raining leprechauns and I forgot to bring my umbrella-shaped marshmallow.
Until next time. Stay classy, people.