This blog post contains a reference to Dane Cook and may offend some readers. Also, there’s some other stuff, too. Reader discretion is advised.

I am not a prude.

I enjoy a nice double entendre — so long as it’s respectful, clean and appropriate in mixed company — as much as the next guy. Sometimes, I’ll go to a department store and resist the urge to demand that management put less-revealing clothing on the mannequins. I have even managed to visit a beach and not spend the entire day with my hands covering my eyes.

But those considerably non-prudish qualities notwithstanding, it amazes me how society is becoming more and more sexualized, seemingly, with each passing minute.

To go with my lunch today, I bought a Vitamin Water. I checked the labels, found one with acai, blueberry and pomegranate juice, made my purchase and went on my merry way.

It wasn’t until I sat down to eat my lunch that I noticed the writing on the bottle. The name of this particular acai-blueberry-pomegranate mixture is “XXX.” Beneath the name, the following explanation is given:

“C’mon get your mind out of the gutter. We only named this drink XXX because it gives you the benefits of antioxidants to fight free radicals and help support your health. We even added manganese. So in case you’re wondering, this does not cost $1.99/minute or contain explicit adult content or anything considered ‘uncensored.’ It has not ‘gone wild!!!’ during spring break, nor will clips of it be passed around the Internet. And it has never been seen live or nude, but it’s definitely stacked… with vitamins, that is.”

Get MY mind out of the gutter??

Why are references to phone-sex lines, explicit adult content, “Girls Gone Wild”, nudity and women’s breasts plastered on my bottle of water?!

I didn’t purchase a Maxim Magazine. I didn’t click a questionable link on the Internet. I didn’t watch a Dane Cook movie. I didn’t go to a comedy club featuring (insert the name of any comedian not named Jim Gaffigan or Jeff Foxworthy). I didn’t read a text message accidentally sent to me by Tiger Woods. I bought a bottle of water.

So why, why, why did I read about those things? Why is a teenager or child who buys this bottle of water reading about those things? Why are elderly people still blessed with good eyesight reading about those things? It’s a bottle of water! It’s practically the last place you should be finding anything even remotely taboo or controversial.

Some will read this and think, “What’s the big deal? There are far, far, FAR worse things out there for people to stumble upon.” And that is true. But, again, this is a bottle of water. If we have reached the point where the label on a non-alcoholic beverage can contain numerous references to adult content, we’ve just about reached the point where no form of overtly-sexual advertising is off limits.

At a restaurant? Prepare to see a menu with an entire section dedicated to foods that are aphrodisiacs, along with a detailed explanation on what is an aphrodisiac.

In the market for a car? Prepare to hear radio commercials bragging about the “ample room” in the backseat.

Buying a new chair for your living room? Prepare to have the salesperson explain, in nauseating detail, the numerous upsides to the numerous reclining positions.

In the cereal aisle of the grocery store? Prepare to see a cartoon of Fred Flinstone boasting on the boxes of Fruity Pebbles that his cereal improves virility better than Lucky Charms and Trix.

Shopping for a new belt? Prepare to read slogans like, “This belt is great for the boardroom and the bedroom…if you’re into that sort of thing.”

Crazy talk? I don’t believe so. I believe we’re in the precipitous of the mouth of sexual-advertising madness.

Call me a dreamer, but I want to live in a world where I can buy a bottle of water and not read about pornography on the label.

But maybe that’s just me.

Maybe I am a prude.