I am masculine.

I play/watch sports. I do my own landscaping in my yard. I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. I hold doors open for ladies. I have a firm hand shake. If I become a father, I will buy my children shirts that say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” And I will buy a shirt for myself that says, “Read my kid’s shirt, you punk.”

I care about my appearance.

I wear a moisturizer with SPF protection so my face doesn’t look 60 when its 40. I get haircuts from trained professionals as opposed to people who received a diploma after a weekend seminar. I know the color of my socks should match the color of my pants, not the color of my shoes. I floss my teeth. The day I’m spotted in a grocery store wearing shorts, flip-flops and an old t-shirt will be the day a disheveled alien has taken over my body.

Usually, these two camps can coexist. I can be a man who cares about personal appearance without ever approaching “metrosexual” territory. Moisturizer, good manners and matching socks are manly. Pedicures, manicures and blond highlights are one zipper-pants incident away from being a full-fledged female.

But alas, my frugality, as it often does, has begun to muddy the waters.

Men’s grooming products are too expensive. I realize a majority of my readers are female and you have far more products you have to buy than we men do, but bear with me.

I shave my face daily. A disposable razor, like the Schick Quattro, seems to only be good for three shaves, five tops. Replacement blades can cost anywhere from $2 to $5 each. I’m not great at math, but in a year’s time that adds up to a quarter of a bajillion dollars in razor blades.

Then there is the cost of shaving cream. Not too long ago, I made the decision that it was foolish to expose my face — let’s face it, it’s my moneymaker — to the hazards of shaving while using a $5 can of gel. My face deserved better, so since I’m frugal and not cheap (remember, there is a difference) I invested in a $30 tub of quality shaving cream from the good people at Truefitt & Hill.

Then I thought, “What’s the point of paying good money for a shaving cream if I’m just going to apply it with my fingers like the common folk do?” So, I bought a starter badger brush on Amazon for $15.

That now puts me at a quarter of a bajillion and forty-five dollars, and I haven’t even got to the after-shave balm or moisturizer.

The frugal part of my brain has had enough.

I am in the process of buying the ingredients neccesary to make my own balm/moisturizer. No more store-bought stuff for this guy. I’m going to make something better than your average product, and I’m going to save money in the process!

Of course, I quickly realized what I was contemplating.

“I’m about to MAKE MY OWN moisturizer?! That’s something so…so…UNMANLY!”

Does my frugal motive override the fact I’m doing something decidedly unmanly?

Beats me. Normally, I would look in the mirror and ask the manliest man I know what he thinks. Sadly, that man is just as confused as I am.

Sigh.

It’s a manly dichotomy.