When walking with a lady-friend, it is considered gentlemanly to stay between her and traffic. This is a good tip, but what if you and your lady-friend are walking down the middle of a three-lane highway?

A wise man once said that a closed mouth gathers no feet. This is true, I suppose, assuming you don’t have a huge gap in the front of your teeth. Then tiny feet could work their way inside. I suppose the prudent thing to do in that situation would be holding your hand over your mouth at all times. Or maybe go see a dentist.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.” I guess this means I’m an asset to have around if walking down a dark alley, so long as we avoid confrontation with long-winded criminals who like to talk to their victims for longer than five minutes.

Another Ralph Waldo Emerson quote:

“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.”

This is why, whenever I see a man with a beard, I walk up to him and, without speaking, grab his beard and pull with all my might. If this results in loud screams and nonstop sobbing, as it has every single time to date, I apologize and say, “My bad, I thought you were a bully.”

The only pick-up line you’ll ever need to have success with women is, “Hi! How are you?” It shows you are bold, confident and do not play games. If you can also trick them into thinking you’re rich and famous, even better.

William Blake once said, “Great things are done when men and mountains meet.” I’m not sure if Blake was being metaphorical, but I have yet to experience anything even remotely great when meeting a mountain. Get your act together, Appalachian Mountains. I’m tired of carrying you.

Calvin Coolidge, the 30th President of the United States, once said:

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘press on’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

If I’m understanding Coolidge correctly: Ladies, this means you really need to give that untalented, dumb, ignorant guy who keeps asking you out a chance. One day, he will solve all the world’s problems. And you know what that means. Yep, someday he’ll be rich!

One of my new favorite quotes is from Henry Ward Beecher: “Clothes and manners do not make the man; but, when he is made, they greatly improve his appearance.”

I say these words, out loud, whenever I’m wearing a toga and eating baked beans with my bare hands.