My favorite quotes from my favorite writer (Hint: It’s Me!): Volume 1

Partly because this feels like a random day and partly because I cannot decide what to blog about, here are some of my favorite quotes from the SKOS archives. Read and (try to) enjoy. There’s more where this came from. And yes, that’s a threat.

Regarding the questionable purity of “virgin” olive oil:

“Color me confused, but if Extra Virgin Olive Oil is as advertised how is there seemingly a never ending supply of the stuff? Granted, I’m no expert on the reproductive habits of olives, but something just doesn’t add up. Methinks a few olives aren’t being entirely truthful.”

Regarding my need for a tan:

“If I had fangs, I’m fairly certain people would mistake me for a vampire if I was walking around at night in a graveyard (as I often do).”

Regarding the incompetence of a certain restaurant in Macon, GA:

“The Olive Garden is to Italian Food as (the movie) ’10 Things I Hate About You’ is to William Shakespeare.”

Back in ’04, Robot Gore had no idea Tipper would someday leave him for a toaster.

Regarding the evils of the (then) popular MySpace:

“If Al Gore was alive to see what has become of his precious invention, the Internet, I believe he would weep. Well, he wouldn’t actually cry (robots cannot cry), but he’d be sad.”

Regarding why we smile whenever we see a baby:

“When we see a baby, we think of birthday cake. On that baby’s first birthday, there will be cake. On its 10th birthday, there will be cake. Assuming the baby lives to be 100, there will have been 100 birthday cakes created and eaten in his/her lifetime to celebrate the passing of each year. Why do we smile? Because we think maybe, just maybe, we’ll get to eat some of that cake.”

Regarding the 1980s television show Murder She Wrote starring Angela Lansbury:

“Every episode she would go somewhere and a murder would happen. She would *conveniently* solve the murder. Why didn’t anyone put two and two together and realize this woman was a serial killer who was pinning her crimes on innocent people?”

Regarding the resiliency of coffee machines:

“Coffee machines simply do not ‘break.’ They’re like alarm clocks, blue jeans or tooth brushes in that regard – once you have one, decades go by before you need another.”

Behold, their demon seed will someday destroy us all.

Regarding the love child that will one day destroy mankind:

“Someday, FoodTV ‘personalities’ Rachael Ray and Emeril Lagasse are going to fall in love and have a child. And that child will one day destroy the world. Ironically, however, the child will not be able to cook.”

Regarding misleading movie titles:

“As a kid, I never thought I’d get over the disappointment of The Never Ending Story being only 102 minutes long.”

“Am I the only one who expected Kindergarten Cop to be about a 5-year old who fights crime?”

“I’m sure that many a moviegoer was confused to see Rosie O’Donnell in the film Beautiful Girls.”

Regarding the inexplicable-ness of Bluetooth headsets:

“I have seen the future and it is not pretty. Society is divided into two groups: 1) Those who wear Bluetooth headsets on their ears, and 2) Those who want to punch in the face those who wear them.”

Note to self: Bring chocolate, flowers and silver bullets.

Regarding a Chinese fortune cookie that read, “The next full moon brings an enchanting evening”:

“Does this mean I’m going to meet and fall in love with a werewolf?”

Regarding how I look like Brad Pitt when I sneeze:

“You know how sometimes you feel a sneeze coming, you prepare for it, and then nothing happens? If you’ve ever seen someone do this, you know how silly it looks. That is, except when I do it. When I do it, I might as well be posing for a magazine photographer. How else do you explain the multiple co-workers who have taken pictures of me in the act with their cell phones?”

Regarding the question, “Why do baseball players spit?”:

“It’s a fair question, but a difficult one to answer. It’s like asking why a rugby team stranded in the snowy Andes mountains after a plane crash would resort to cannibalism in order to survive. It’s something you have to be a part of to totally understand.”

Regarding the opening line to a speech I once gave to an auditorium full of people:

“Hello. My name is Kevin. And yes ladies…I’m single.”

Regarding the psychological warfare I employed while on strike until my work’s break room restocked the supply of French Vanilla coffee creamer:

“Whenever someone asked me if they could borrow a pen or pencil, I told them I didn’t have one. But I really did.”

I would sooner slaughter a village filled with puppies and kittens than let Paris get her hands on me!

Regarding the news that Paris Hilton was looking to date a “nice” boy:

“Needless to say, this revelation has terrified me. (…) Hear me well. As of today, a new Kevin is born. A new Kevin who, for lack of a better phrase, is pure evil.”

Regarding the “cats versus dogs” debate and the dog’s ability to save his owner from a burning building:

“My cat might leave me to die if my home is ever on fire, but at least he has the intelligence to remember me after I’m gone. ‘My owner was awesome,’ he will tell his cat friends years later. ‘He fought those flames until the bitter end.’”

Regarding…well, I’m not really sure:

“If eyes are the window to the soul, why does it sting so badly when I spray them with Windex?”

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

2 thoughts on “My favorite quotes from my favorite writer (Hint: It’s Me!): Volume 1

  1. Put the Windex down, Kev!

    I liked all of these but my faves were the misleading movie titles … ‘speshly the one about Rosie O’Donnell … oy vey. Also I liked your speech’s opening line. Pure genius.

  2. Oh, my favorite by far was the love child that will someday destroy the world. The picture you posted of the “parents” makes it all seem so real.

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