Women, for the purpose of this blog post, are always asking me how I got to be so gosh-darn charming.

“What’s your secret,” they will ask me. “Could you give my husband any pointers,” they will continue. “Can I have a lock of your hair,” they will beg. “Drink this…it’s not spiked with knock-out pills,” they will promise.

“Ladies,” I will tell them, after waking up, groggy, while tied to a chair.

“Being charming is easy. I can teach any man how to do it. Now, please, let me go home.”

For most of us, charm isn’t something you’re born with. You’re not born with a mullet, Crocs and a Japanese tattoo that supposedly means something cool but there’s really no way for you to know for sure since you don’t speak Japanese, right? No, you had to acquire those things over time. Charm is the same way.

So, how do you acquire charm? How do you learn it? How do you become it?

Easy.

“Hush, minions. Don’t interrupt the Barack when he’s talking. Sit quietly & worship me.”

Like every other charming, successful man in this world, I owe my charm and success to two individuals: George Clooney and Barack Obama.

Ever watched an interview with George Clooney? Ever seen Barack Obama give a speech? Ever seen photos of either man? Ever paid close attention to their faces?

That unmistakable quality you notice? That, my friends, is smugness; the “I am so much better than you” quality that cinema patrons and voters just can’t get enough of.

Just study these two individuals, mimic what they do and you’ll be set!

You see, most people are too stupid to distinguish between smugness and charm. Just perfect the former and you’ll be thought of as the latter.

Horror has a face. A smug one.

It’s so easy even Sean Penn can do it!

Note: Nothing about this post, except for the parts about Clooney and Obama being smug, is true. The day I model anything after either individual is the day I take an art class and my teacher tells me to use clay to mold something utterly horrific.