Once upon a time, there lived a man whose awesomeness was truly immense.

“And I’m humble, too,” said the man, contributing his two cents.

Among the man’s numerous virtues was a derriere without blemish.

“It’s never even endured a ‘kick me’ sign posted to it,” the man said, not letting the narrator finish.

But all that changed one Friday morning at dawn, when an evil sister hatched a plot to wound the awesome thing the awesome man sits on.

“I was the epitome of a good brother,” lamented the man at her betrayal.

“Well, unless you count that time I tried to mail her to Australia.”

On that fateful Friday, the man was in the shower, getting ready for work.

“Getting to smell a clean ‘me’ each day is one of my co-workers many me-related perks.”

Suddenly, off in the distance, the man hears his cell phone ringing.

“Who could that be,” thought the man, as he was busy exfoliating.

Though early morning phone calls were truly rare, the man ignored his phone and continued scrubbing his hair.

“Must be one of my many admirers,” the man thought, as he reached for the conditioner.

“Why do you have to be so gosh darn handsome,” he said, to no one in particular.

When the phone began ringing again, a new thought popped into the man’s head.

“Oh no, there must be a family emergency,” the dripping-wet man said.

Out of the shower, the man bolted like lightning. Neither modesty nor wetness would prevent him from answering.

“A lesser man would worry about slipping or something. But a man like me…oops, here I go falling.”

As he fell to the ground like a clumsy kid in preschool, a pain shot through the man’s body that was anything but cool.

“I’m not gonna lie,” said the man, pointing to his eye.

“This is where the tears would be, you know, if I could cry.”

Many minutes later, the man was able to get up from the ground.

“I think this is what pain feels like,” the man said, before making an unusual sound.

“Ow,” said the man, for the first time in his life.

“This is the exact opposite of awesome. Did I fall on a carving knife?”

A badly-bruised tailbone was the awesome man’s fate. As he reached for his phone, he worried if he was too late.

“A family emergency takes precedent over my plight. Let me hit redial and see if everything’s alright.”

“Hello,” his sister replied. “You finally picked up your phone!”

“This better be important,” the man said. “You mortally wounded my tail bone.”

“I am at your front doorstep, but didn’t want to come inside before checking if you’re decent.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” the main replied before going off on a long, pain-induced, anything-but-awesome tangent.

The pain he now felt was all for nothing. There was no family emergency, just an evil sister who needed to come inside and grab something.

Four days later, it still hurts when he sits down. It hurts when he stands up. It hurts when he…types the word “brown.”

“Soon, my awesome healing powers will kick in,” the man says with conviction.

“Until then, at least I still have my humility,” he says, gazing at his own reflection.