Dear person who is in charge of restocking the supplies in our break room,

I am not an unreasonable person.

When we ran out of French Vanilla coffee creamer two years ago, I didn’t make a fuss. Oh, sure, I did go on strike. And yes, I threw eggs at your car. And your house. And your children. And your cat.

Still, under the circumstances I think you can agree I handled myself with restraint, dignity and class.

And earlier this year, when we ran out of green tea, did I make a huge deal out of it? Yes, as retribution I e-mailed everyone in the building and told them you had head lice, but I’m pretty sure most people knew it wasn’t true.

Granted, I probably took it a tad too far when I actually gave you head lice two weeks later. But in my defense, finding a child with lice willing to steal your hairbrush was easier than I thought it would be. Opportunity presented itself, so I gave you head lice. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t have done the same in my shoes?

Now that we have established how rational and agreeable a person I am, perhaps you will better understand the seriousness of the current situation in which we find ourselves.

Here me now: If you don’t buy more plastic spoons for the break room, I’ll make you rue the day you volunteered to take this job out of the goodness of your heart.

Have you ever tried to get peanut butter out of a jar with a plastic fork? HAVE YOU?!? My goodness man, if I wanted to eat like a caveman I would invent a time machine, go back in time, AND EAT LIKE A CAVEMAN!

Believe me, if I ever invent a time machine it won’t be so I can experience what it was like to be a caveman who eats peanut butter with a plastic fork.

No, it will be so I can go back to that fateful day when you agreed to be our break-room-supplies person. What would I do on that day? Well, I’ll give you head lice, of course, but that goes without saying. The rest of my diabolical plan is for me to know and you to hope I never build a time machine so you have to find out.

How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing we have hundreds of plastic forks, thousands of plastic knives, and zero plastic spoons in the break room??

Shouldn’t you at least put half the effort into restocking the break room with spoons as I did into throwing eggs at your children?

Maybe I’m just old school, but I think a person should take pride in their work. Do you think I half-heartedly threw eggs at your children when they were playing in the park? No! I gave it all I had! Not even their cries of “Mister, why are you throwing eggs at us” deterred me from doing the job to the best of my ability.

You volunteer for an unpaid position, you best be willing to drop whatever you are doing and go buy plastic spoons when our supply runs low. And if you’re not willing to do that, you best be willing to suffer the consequences.

I want plastic spoons. Give them to me.

Sincerely,

That guy who gave you lice and threw eggs at your children