My nephew celebrates his first birthday today.

I remember holding him for the first time like it just happened yesterday. Such a precious bundle of joy. So tiny, so beautiful, so innocent. As I looked down into his brown, barely-open eyes, it made me wonder:

“If I ran out of here right now, with baby in tow, would anyone be able to catch me?”

I wasn’t in the best of shape at the time, but I think I could have done it.

My brother was busy looking at pictures of the baby on his iPhone. He would have been too distracted to catch me. His wife had just given birth. No doubt, maternal instincts would have kicked in, but I’m pretty sure I could have outran her. Avoiding the hospital nurses and staff would have been difficult, but I could have charmed the females and shin-kicked the males.

And, if all else failed, I could have tried to stop time using my mind. I had done that once before. I think. Well, it was hard to tell since I wasn’t wearing a watch.

Where would my nephew and I have gone? What would we do? Why, anywhere and anything! The world would have been our oyster!

(Speaking of which, can you feed oysters to newborn babies? Hmmm. Well, I guess we would’ve found out!)

Maybe we would have moved to a big city. I could have found work as a financial analyst. My nephew could have found work in retail or something. An adorable baby could earn some pretty nice commissions, I’m sure. And since babies, like dogs, are chick magnets, I imagine we would hang out on park benches a lot. If I was lucky, maybe I would have found a nice girl with a kidnapped nephew or niece of her own.

But alas, none of it happened. Instead, I gently handed my nephew back to his mother. Maybe it was just me projecting feelings onto him, but as I gave him back he looked kind of sad.

“What about our plans,” his eyes seemed to say. “What about those oysters? What about those huge commissions I was going to earn?”

“I’m sorry,” I told him, confusing everyone else in the hospital room who thought I was talking to them.

One whole year later. Wow.

Tonight, as we gather around my nephew and his birthday cake, cameras will snap photos and family members will shout encouragements in the hopes the one-year-old will somehow surprise them with a candle-blowing miracle.

And I will there, watching all of it. Smiling. And wondering.

“If I ran out of here right now, with baby in tow, would anyone be able to catch me?”

I’m kidding, people. Happy birthday, James! You can read this, right?