Today’s installment of Dear Reader goes out to a shy lad from Victoria, British Columbia. At 7:14 pm EST on June 28, 2010, this special visitor stumbled upon this site after typing the following into Canada’s version of Google:

“how to open a conversation”

Coming in at #6 in Google’s returned results was my epic blog of relationship advice, How to Open a Conversation With a Lady. Amongst the gold nuggets of wisdom I imparted were:

• “Ladies want a man who never cries. Ever. If you are talking to a lady when three hundred bees proceed to swarm on you, you better not cry. It doesn’t matter if you are allergic to bee stings. If you cry, she will lose all respect for you.”
• Wearing a bluetooth headset on your ear is great for when you’re starting a conversation with a lady. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes a lady weak in the knees quite like walking up to her while talking to an imaginary friend on your bluetooth, telling said imaginary friend you ‘have to go,’ and then telling her, ‘I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m wearing a bluetooth headset on my ear’.”
• “The best advice I can give for starting a conversation with a lady is to seem aloof and indifferent to her. If you have met her before, pretend you do not remember her name. If you are meeting her for the first time, ask her for her name, but then proceed to call her by the wrong name for the rest of the conversation.”

This reader then left me the following comment:

“What a pile of **** and total waste of words. How dare you commit such steaming tripe to my eyeballs. **** you and your family.”

Because I care, because I’m a giver, I’m going to do my best steer my wandering, angry, Canada-stricken friend back onto the right path.

Dear Reader,

First of all, wait a second. You guys have Internet up there? Huh. Who knew?

Second of all, someone needs to wash their mouth out with soap. I don’t know how they do things up in Canada, but in these parts them’s considered fightin’ words.

It’s okay, though. I know you can’t help your social awkwardness. You poor thing. Having to grow up in Canada, with America right there. It must have been torture for you.

Thirdly, I sincerely apologize.

All my blog posts should contain the following caveat: “No tips or advice found within apply if you are Canadian.”

“Not crying” is poor advice if you are Canadian. Everyone up there cries. The men, the women, the mounties — they all cry. Not that I blame any of you, of course. You have to live in Canada! For you NOT to cry must have made you a social outcast.

“Wearing a bluetooth headset on your ear” is also bad advice if you’re Canadian. Surely, you having done so must have frightened your fellow Canadians. They probably thought Americans had caught you, put a tag on your ear and released you back into the wild.

And my “forgetting the lady’s name” advice is just flat-out redundant if you’re Canadian. Everyone in Canada probably forgets everyone’s name already. You’re all too preoccupied watching hockey, hunting for moose meat and wallowing in “I live in Canada” self pity to remember each other’s names.

I feel as though I have failed you. Never in a million years did I think a Canadian would try out my conversation tips (seriously, am I the only one who didn’t know you guys had Internet?), but still…I feel I’ve failed you. So, please, allow me to make amends.

Here are a few CANADA-ONLY tips for opening a conversation with a lady:

• Brag about your culinary skills. Every guy she knows uses three primary spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. Woo her with your use of cumin.
• Knock her socks off with this opening: “Did you know Americans  call ham ‘Canadian bacon’?” Follow it up with: “My uncle once met Alan Thicke.  Do you want to go somewhere and make out, eh?”
• Ask her if she’s excited about moose hunting season.

Hopefully, these will help. Either way, you have my condolences. You poor, poor Canadian.

Sincerely,

Kevin

Hopefully, this post will help ease some of the hurt feelings I caused. If nothing else, it will prove I am a friend to our wacky neighbors up north.

What about the rest of you? What advice would YOU give our Canadian friend here?