This is not — I repeat, not — a complete list of things I have never done. Obviously, I have never murdered anyone, but that doesn’t mean I have to put it on the list. I’ve also never listened to an entire Miley Cyrus song, but… Actually, that’s a good one to add.

I have never shouted “let’s get this party started” after entering a room. I have, however, thrown blunt objects at people who have done this.

This has been mentioned here on my blog before, but given the post’s topic it bears repeating: I have never eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Madness, you say? Well, what do you say after I tell you peanut butter is one of my favorite things; jelly/jam is something I rarely eat, but find tasty; and bread is something I’ve probably eaten a billion times during my lifetime? Now how does the revelation strike you?

No, I will not submit to psychological testing.

I remembered this particular tidbit after reading a recent post from Jenny about the movie: I have never seen It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s true. I’ve not seen it, not once. Sure, I know of it. And I know the general plot since it’s been referenced or mimicked in everything from Saturday Night Live to Steve Urkel’s Family Matters. But, I’ve never actually seen it.

And while we’re on the topic of classic movies everyone in the world except yours truly has seen, I should add I have never seen Gone with the Wind. Even though I dated a woman for 13 months who claimed it was her all-time favorite movie, I’ve never seen it. Even though I once bought said girlfriend the Four-Disc Collector’s Edition of the movie, I’ve never seen it.

And yes, I’m suddenly thinking the same as you: I might not be as good of a boyfriend as I think I am.

“The Internet is over. Just like my relativity.”

I have never declared the Internet to be a fad whose time is over. But then again, I’m not Prince. People may scoff at the tiny one’s hilarious proclamation. And yes, I too have once upon a time poked fun at the little man. Just remember: He’s been right before. Didn’t we all party like it was 1999 back on New Year’s Eve 1998? Yes. Yes, we did. Prince nailed that one.

I have never laughed hysterically upon hearing the news a judge has sentenced Lindsay Lohan to jail for 90 days. Okay, that one is a lie. I totally laughed. I even Twittered about it.

I have never talked to a dog or cat expecting to receive an answer. I have, however, talked to a dog and cat for the purpose of making people around me think I was expecting an answer. Nothing says “Leave me alone, people, I’m reading a book” quite like “And what’s your name? … Meow? … Why, that’s a funny name!”

“No, Baby. I’m not sick. This is just my fish face. Does it make you hot?”

Granted, only someone as certifiably insane as Nicolas Cage would have ever done this, but I have never used an animal’s sexual practices to determine whether or not I will eat it. Oh sure, all of us at one time or another have thought about how fish fertilize their eggs when we are biting into a fork full of halibut (he writes, sarcastically), but leave it up to ol’ Nic to seriously ponder such things and have them dictate his diet.

Of course, this does beg several questions. Among them: Years from now, when Cage is giving his son the “birds and bees” talk, will he literally be talking about birds?