I work for a Fortune 500 company that has thousands of employees stretched out all over the world. We have scientists, engineers, technology specialists, retired military and more sharp minds than you can shake a stick at (if you were ever, for some reason, inclined to do so).

But if one employee accidentally sends an e-mail to every employee in the company, we turn into imbeciles the likes of which the world has never seen.

Some employee in California will write a simple e-mail. She’ll pick a distribution list to send it to, but inadvertently picks the wrong one. Oh no. She’s sent her e-mail to thousands of employees all over the world!

I receive the e-mail. I sigh. Why? Because I know what’s going to happen next.

A few seconds later, someone else, an employee in Iowa perhaps, will write an e-mail response that asks, “Why did I receive this?” But instead of simply replying to the employee in California who sent it, the employee in Iowa clicks the “Reply to All” button.

Everyone who received the California e-mail now receives the Iowa e-mail.

Seconds later, an employee in Alabama sends an e-mail that simply states, “Please remove me from this distribution list.” She, too, replies to all.

Dozens of more employees all over the country send similar replies.

“What is this?”

“Please remove me.”

“Was I supposed to receive this e-mail?”

“Did we used to date? What’s your sign? Are you hot?”

This goes on for several minutes. But then it gets worse. Eventually, people who have been receiving all these responses, as well as the original e-mail that started it all, become irked. They’re tired of receiving all these pointless e-mails. They’re tired of having their inboxes filled with messages that do not apply to them. They’re tired of the insanity!

And so, they do what any stupid rational person would do. They click “Reply to All” and write an e-mail that says something along the lines of:

“What is wrong with you people?? Don’t you realize you’re replying to everyone? Just ignore it!”

Dozens, possibly hundreds, of like-minded employees send similar replies to everyone over the next few minutes.

“We get it! Stop replying to all!”

“Just ignore the e-mails people.”

“The e-mail was sent by mistake. Replying to all is only making it worse.”

“Are any of you hot? What are your signs? I’m so lonely.”

At this point, ten minutes has gone by and I have received approximately 300 e-mails. My head long ago began to throb, but I know it’s only going to get worse.

Soon, “helpful” employees begin to send replies informing the people who have been telling others to “stop replying to all” are, themselves, replying to all.

“You guys realize you’re only making it worse by sending replies telling people to stop replying, right?”

Dozens of such e-mails begin to go out into the world. Eventually, people begin to send replies to these people informing them they are making things worse by replying to all and telling people who are replying to all not to reply to all. And a few minutes later, people begin replying to these people.

As you can see, it’s a never-ending cycle.

At some point, people begin to have fun with the situation. Amongst the “please remove me” and “stop replying to all” and “stop telling people to stop replying to all” and “stop telling people who are telling people who are telling people…” madness, people begin to leave humorous replies.

“If I’m reading all these e-mails correctly, I think the consensus is NOT to reply to all. But I’m not sure. Let’s have a survey. Just reply to all with your thoughts.”

“Anyone who replies to all should be immediately terminated. Myself included.”

“Please stop the madness. My Blackberry is vibrating so much people are starting to think I’m a pervert.”

“I might as well take this opportunity to see if anyone is interested in purchasing a 1990 Chevy Blazer. $1,000 or your best offer.”

However, this jovial turn of events is quickly forgotten once a second wave of “please remove me” and “stop replying to all” messages hit our inboxes.

One hour and several thousand e-mails later, things begin to quiet down. Soon, only one or two e-mails every minute or so are sent out. Later, only one or two e-mails every five minutes. Finally, mercifully, they stop completely.

I don’t believe this would irritate me quite so if not for the fact this exact same thing happened two months ago. And the same thing happened about a year before that, too.

They say those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Well, I have learned from history. But on days like today I’m forced to repeat it anyway.

Sigh.

Another e-mail just arrived. Employees on the west coast must be returning from lunch.

Lord, give me strength.