by Bob Human, camping enthusiast

Hello, my fellow human beings! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I love to go camping in the woods. Is there anything as wonderful as driving out to some remote campsite for the weekend and ignoring those stupid “Caution: Bears in Area” signs?

The only thing I can think of that could possibly make the experience MORE enjoyable is smothering yourself in honey right before going to sleep at night!

Have you ever tried it? No?! My friends, you must try it this weekend, if not sooner. Take it from me, Bob Human, a camping enthusiast. It’s not like I’m some kind of bear in a disguise who is trying to eat you or something! Haha!

[awkward pause]

Seriously, I’m not a bear.

I’m just a guy who loves to camp and wants all of you, my fellow, tasty humans, to enjoy it as well!

The only thing I can think of that could make the camping experience even better, besides the obvious honey smothering, is stuffing fresh salmon down your pants. Oh, and tying your legs together with rope! Let’s see…what else? Leaving your pesty cell phone at home is another fun thing I highly recommend. So is not telling anyone where you are going!

I tell you, there is nothing that ruins an exciting  camping trip quite like having loved ones or park rangers checking in to make sure you’re alive. Those joykills! Let us have our fun. Am I right??

So, in conclusion, I urge all of you to go camping this weekend. And if you really want to have a great time, leave your cell phones at home, don’t tell anyone where you are going, cram salmon down your pants and smother yourself in honey! Oh, and be sure to start a campfire. That’ll make it easier for us to bears to find…err, I mean the fire will scare the bears away.

I’m not a bear!