Absurd Archive: Acting Audition

In a world before blogging, Twitter, Mybook or Facespace, there was America Online. And in that world, the questionable element of society would prey on unsuspecting innocents by pretending to be AOL employees. Their mission: To steal passwords. Years before I would go on to blog about very special and very stupid things, I made it my mission to toy with these criminal wannabes.

This was one of those times.

The Acting Audition
A random instant message pops up on my screen…
TOSadmin: Good afternoon. I am with America Online’s Terms of Service Department. Unfortunately, we believe your account might have been compromised. Please provide your password so we can confirm.
me: Excellent! I have a big audition tomorrow and I need to practice. Care to help me out? You pretend to be a hacker who is pretending to be an AOL employee, okay? Your motivation: You want my password. Me, I’m going to be playing the part of a guy minding his own business, who has some idiot IM him asking for his password. Ready?
me: Okay…ACTION!
TOSadmin: Very funny, sir. However, I really am an employee of AOL and I really do need to confirm your password.
me: But why do you need it? I don’t understand.
me: (You’re doing great! Very believable.)
TOSadmin: I need your password so I can confirm you are the proper owner of this account. Password theft has become a common issue lately, so AOL has its employees checking records and confirming identities.
me: But how can I be sure you are who you say you are? How do I know shenanigans aren’t afoot? I’ve been hurt so many times before. My heart! I don’t think my heart could take another wound!
me: (You’re nailing it, my friend! A less intelligent person would be convinced you really WERE an AOL employee!)
TOSadmin: Sir, this is not a joke. If you do not cooperate, I’m afraid your account will be terminated.
me: This is an outrage! I have done nothing wrong. I’m just a poor boy from the streets, trying to make a name for himself in this cold, cruel world.
me: WHY ME, GOD? WHY? AGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
me: (If this was the actual audition, this is where I’d start singing.)
TOSadmin: If you do not cooperate and give me your password, your account will be immediately terminated. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
me: Cry “havoc!” And let slip the dogs of war! That this foul deed shall smell above the
earth with carrion men, groaning for burial.
me: (That’s from Shakespeare. What do you think? Too unoriginal? Please, give me your honest
opinion. I can take it.)
TOSadmin: Sir, I do not have time for this. Yours is just one of hundreds of accounts I have to confirm today. Quit playing around and give me your password so we can each get on with our day.
me: What’s that? This role I’m auditioning for requires nudity? Oh no, no, no. I’m much too shy. No, I can’t. Well, so long as it’s tasteful…
TOSadmin: ENOUGH! JUST GIVE ME YOUR &@!% PASSWORD.
me: CUT! You’ve got to bring it down a little. Keep it real. Think DeNiro, not Pacino.
me: Okay…ACTION!
TOSadmin gets offline. Hopefully, he signed off so he could go join an acting class.

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

2 thoughts on “Absurd Archive: Acting Audition

  1. @Angi: Ah, yes. ASL, the loathed acronym for “age, sex, location.” If my memory serves me correctly, this was asked 99% of the time by dudes. And if the “age” was anything close to theirs, and the “sex” was female, the “location” didn’t really matter to them.

    I’ll have to check the memory bank, but I’m sure I spoofed the “ASL” thing a time or two in my AOL days.

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