Absurd Archive: A very bad day

In a world before blogging, Twitter, Mybook or Facespace, there was America Online. And in that world, the questionable element of society would prey on unsuspecting innocents by pretending to be AOL employees. Their mission: To steal passwords. Years before I would go on to blog about very special and very stupid things, I made it my mission to toy with these criminal wannabes.

This was one of those times.

A Very Bad Day
A random instant message pops up on my screen…
AOLPolice: Due to a security breach of our database, the ingretity of your America Online account has been compromised. Please provide your date of birth and password so your identity can be confirmed.
me: For crying out loud. I didn’t think this day could POSSIBLY get any worse! Now my account has been compromised? What’s next, God?? Locust???
AOLPolice: I don’t mean to alarm you. We have the situation well in order. We just need your password in order to certify your account’s information is safe.
me: You have the situation well in order? Yeah, right. Like I haven’t heard that one already today.
me: The plumber said the exact same thing moments before thousands of gallons of water began pouring into my basement.
AOLPolice: I’m sorry to hear that.
me: Sorry? Yeah, the vet told me he was sorry, too. Right before he told me my dog passed away early this morning.
AOLPolice: Sounds like you’re having a bad day. I hate to make it worse, but I’m just trying to do my job.
me: Yeah, that’s what the social service worker said when she took my two kids this morning. “I’m just doing my job,” she said. Tell it to my fists, missy!!
AOLPolice: Sounds like you’re having a REALLY bad day. I don’t want to take any more of your time, so if you can just confirm your information I’ll get out of your hair.
me: Hair? HAIR?!? I woke up this morning to find all my hair had fallen out during the night! How dare you mention hair to me at a time like this. You jerk!
AOLPolice: Okay, you’re clearly messing with me. You can’t be serious.
me: That’s what I told my doctor this morning when he said he was going to have to amputate my foot!
AOLPolice: I don’t have time for this, loser.
me: LOSER? That’s what my wife called me this morning before she packed her bags and hopped into a taxi!
AOLPolice: I’m guessing there’s zero chance you’re actually going to give me your password.
me: Zero chance?? That’s what my boss said were the odds of me ever getting another job. And then he had security throw me out of the building!
AOLPolice: Stop it.
me: Ouch! I just chipped a tooth. Stupid almonds. Darn you! Darn you to Hades!!
AOLPolice: Stop IMing me.
me: What’s happening?? I think I’m slowly losing my eyesight…
me: I’m going blind!!!
me: I’m…yep, I’m blind!
AOLPolice: Stop.
me: H9HG3GH9Y3987GH9G3SHLHG22
The next day…
me: Thank goodness you’re back online! My eyesight has returned, but now my fingers are falling off!!!
AOLPolice: You seriously need to get a life.
me: Those are strong words, especially coming from someone so pathetic they spend their days trying to scam people out of their passwords.
me: By the way: My house is now on fire.
AOLPolice signed offline, never to return again.

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

3 thoughts on “Absurd Archive: A very bad day

  1. “Those are strong words, especially coming from someone so pathetic they spend their days trying to scam people out of their passwords.”

    BURNED! Bahaha.

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