The latest installment of Dear Reader goes out to a reader from someplace called “Unknown” who arrived at SKOS by searching for “guy won’t take hint.” A big thanks to Google for referring this individual, as well as for telling me her location. Yes, Google, that second “thanks” was sarcastic. Get your act together.

Dear Unknown,

Thank you for your inquiry. The post you were directed to on SKOS (“My favorite quotes from my favorite writer (Hint: It’s me!)”) probably didn’t help you very much. Yeah, sorry about that. Please allow me to make amends by dropping some knowledge bombs onto your head.

Here’s the thing with guys: We don’t take hints very well. Much of the time, we don’t even realize you’re giving us hints. And when we do realize you’re giving us hints, we usually misinterpret them.

The following clip from Dumb & Dumber aptly explains the mindset of most guys:

Okay, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. All guys aren’t this bad.

But hear me now: If you want to clearly get your “no thanks” message across to a guy, there is one thing and one thing only that works 100% of the time.

Ignoring him.

Yes, you read correctly. You have to ignore the guy. Anything else you do or say could be interpreted as, “so you’re telling me there’s a chance?”

Whether you are talking about unwanted marriage proposals, date requests, text messages, e-mails, messages on your Facebook wall, or serenades outside your bedroom window at two in the morning, if you want them to go away you have to ignore them.

If a guy you just met proposes to you and you burst into tears, grab a nearby butter knife in a threatening “stay away from me psycho” manner, and run away screaming, the guy will not think: “Well, I guess that’s a no.” No, the guy will think:

“She was so excited, she ran home to tell her parents. And she grabbed that butter knife to keep away purse snatchers.”

You probably think I’m joking, but I’m dead serious. I’m a guy. This is how we think.

“No” is interpreted as “maybe.”

“Not right now” is interpreted as “ask again in five minutes.”

“I would rather die” is interpreted as “she’s already thinking about us growing old together.”

We men are idiots. We need you, nay, demand that you treat us as imbeciles. And much like insane people and children, you cannot reason with imbeciles. You can only ignore them. To do anything else is both cruel and inhuman.

So, if a guy calls you on the phone and asks you out on a date, don’t respond. Don’t hang up, because he will, again, assume you were so excited about his date request that you had to immediately call your family and friends. Just sit there, quietly.

If a guy texts you, e-mails you, or electronically contacts you in any way, whatever you do, don’t respond. Any response you make will be misinterpreted. Even a seemingly harmless response from you like “lol” will make him think he’s the world’s funniest man. And he’ll think you are a girl who, in the words of the poet Daughtry, is only after “a life full of laughter.”

If a guy asks you for something in person (be it your hand in marriage or your phone number), you must pretend you are in a staring contest. Don’t talk. Don’t move. Don’t blink. Just stay perfectly still and silent until the guy gets hungry or has to go to the bathroom. Then, when he leaves, you run away.

However, whatever you do, don’t look directly into the guy’s eyes when you are staring at him. He will interpret such a move as a sign of aggression. And if you happen to be wearing the color red, well, you might as well jump into oncoming traffic.

I hope I’ve helped you, Unknown. And if I have helped you, please, do ignore me. It’s the only way I’ll understand how much I’ve helped you.

Sincerely,

Kev

What did everyone think of my advice to our new friend? Gold, right? Yeah, I know. Gold.