Here at SKOS, I can use thousands of words to clarify my thoughts on a given topic. With so many characters at my disposal, blogging magic is a regular occurrence. However, on Twitter, I only have 140 characters to get my point across. This often leaves readers confused and, sometimes, scared and frightened.

So, as I did a few months ago, I am going to highlight some of my Twitter messages and explain them to all of you. Hero? No, I’m no hero. I’m just a man doing what he can to make the world a better place.

You’re welcome, people.

Chelsea’s wedding cost Bill & Hillary (Clinton) over $3 million. Gosh, that’s a lot of money for concealer. – Aug 2nd, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because Chelsea Clinton, like her mother, is incredibly unattractive and requires lots and lots and lots of concealer.

MNight Shyamalan turns 40 today. In a surprising twist, his birthday cake will have some of those trick candles on it. – Aug 6th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because, while he has steered away from it in recent years, writer-director M. Night Shyamalan is famous for the plot twists at the end of his movies. And, in the realm of birthday surprises, nothing surpasses the “wait…these are trick candles!” twist when blowing out candles on your cake.

Ted Kennedy’s rolling over in his grave. I hope he doesn’t rise from the dead, steal a car and drive off a bridge. – Jan 19th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: One, Scott Brown, a Republican, had just won the 2010 U.S. Senate special election to serve the remainder of the term vacated by the death of ol’ Teddy.

Two, in 1969 Kennedy “accidentally” drove a car off a bridge and into water. He fled the scene, leaving behind a passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, who was shown to have died from drowning and not from the impact of the accident. In short, at the minimum, Kennedy left her to die.

There’s at least one upside to having a cell phone on the fritz. There’s zero chance I’ll be on the receiving end of a Mel Gibson tirade. – Jul 15th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Mel Gibson had recently been in the news after his girlfriend recorded two particularly-unflattering phone conversations between herself and Mel. My unreliable cell phone, as well as the fact I do not know Mr. Gibson, likely precluded me from receiving similar phone calls from him.

Giving Obama a Nobel (Prize) so soon is like telling a girl you love her on the first date. Where’s the mystery? Play it cool, Nobel committee. – Oct 9th, 2009

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Last year, Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize despite the fact he had yet to do anything remotely worthy of winning it. He won for his potential to do things.

In short, the Nobel committee is filled with guys who introduce women to their parents on the first date.

In all seriousness, I do believe my cat, Smokey, could win American Idol. His song, Mow Mow Mow, would wow the judges. – Jan 12th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because, despite how horrible the contestants might be, there is no way a cat could win American Idol. Not even a cat as talented as mine.

That was a Great Dane on Oprah? Thank goodness. I thought I was seeing double. – Feb 23rd, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because Oprah Winfrey is attractive in the same way Michelle Obama and Chelsea Clinton are “attractive.” Which is, to say, attractive not in the least bit.

A pparently, spicy foods can boost metabolism. This might explain why you never see overweight fire eaters. – Mar 5th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Numerous health articles list “spicy foods” as an easy addition to the lifestyle of anyone wishing to naturally boost their metabolism. As my own evidence of this, I cited the fact I have never seen an overweight fire eater on any “circus” scene in television or movies. Think about it.

‘Wise men say only fools Russian.’ I am not quite sure what Elvis was trying to say here, but it sounds pretty profound. – Apr 6th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: The actual line is “only fools rush in.” However, as a child I thought the lyrics were “Russian.” And now, from this point forward, thanks to me, you will hear the same. [Insert evil laugh here]

You know, you can child proof your home, but they’re still gonna find a way to get inside. – May 3rd, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: “Child proofing” refers to the practice of making one’s home safe for children, not for making the home impenetrable to children.

Also, children, due to their small sizes, can more easily squeeze into small openings in your home’s exterior. Seriously, just try to keep them out. It’s nearly impossible.

Why do tech support people breathe heavily into the phone? It’s distracting & creepy. And it prevents them from hearing MY heavy breathing. – Jun 11th, 2010

Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because I don’t really breathe heavily when talking on the phone. In fact, I hold my breath when talking on the phone. This is why people think I’m such a good listener. I’m not listening — I’m unconscious.

If you haven’t done it already, follow me on Twitter. I promise to amuse and/or confound you on a daily basis.