Since I deliberately avoid things I know will hurt my brain, it took a few weeks for the following bit of “news” to make its way to me. I put quotation marks around “news” because nothing, absolutely nothing, about this person is actually newsworthy.
I speak, of course, of Paris Hilton.
The “news”? Her boasting that she is “the original.”
“There’s so many people out there who try to imitate what I do, but I am the original,” Paris told the Associated Press. “There is nothing like me.”
Now, I don’t want to get off on a Dennis Miller here, but I find it inexplicable that someone who has lived Paris Hilton’s life can actually be proud of said life. Let’s do a brief recap, shall we?
- Before most of us knew who the heck she was (oh, those were such glorious days), Paris was “famous” for being a hotel heiress and for, well, going to parties.
- In 2003, she had a sex tape leaked on the Internet. Later in 2003, she co-starred on a television show where she portrayed the character “Paris” — a spoiled rich girl who was incompetent in practically all areas. (Note: It was a “reality” show. She was playing herself.)
- In 2004, she released a music album. It was awful.
- Also in 2004, she was photographed wearing the infamous “Vote or Die” t-shirt even though she wasn’t registered to vote in the upcoming elections. In other words, she did not vote and (sadly) did not die.
- In 2007, she was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.
- Also in 2007, a video was released that featured Paris saying a variety of ethnic slurs and derogatory terms that would have made even John Rocker blush.
- In 2009, when “swine flu” was all the rage, Paris wasn’t concerned about her health. When asked if she was concerned about the virus, Paris replied, “I don’t eat that.”
- She’s attempted to “act” in several movies. She’s won two “Razzie” Awards, one for “Worst Supporting Actress” and one for “Worst Actress.” The latter “award” was for the horrible The Hottie and the Nottie, a movie that ranks as the 35th worst movie of all-time according to IMDB.com and that grossed a grand total of $27,696 its opening weekend at the box office.
I could go on, but talking this much about such a loathsome individual makes me want to walk through a car wash.
Despite all this, Paris Hilton believes she has lived a life worthy of envy. Inexplicable.
And what’s most inexplicable is…she’s right. There are people out there who do envy Paris Hilton’s life. There are people out there who want to be just like her. It’s for this reason that, despite all the above, she’s “written” a bestselling book. And been able to start a fashion line. And a line of perfumes. And…
I’ve commented many times that I believe the society we live in is deplorable. We don’t respect our elders, we view the “sanctity of marriage” as some quaint notion from a bygone era, we do our darnedest to remove “God” from anything and everything, and we idolize people like Paris Hilton.
That we throw accolades and attention Paris Hilton’s way instead of rotten apples and indifference is one of our society’s greatest travesties.* I just pray she never reproduces. To quote Scott Weiland, in a song allegedly written about Paris Hilton, “Why don’t you spay yourself?”
Now that is the best idea I’ve heard all day.
*The same applies for Lindsay Lohan and anyone with the last name “Kardashian.”