Fictitious Conversations That Adequately Summarize A Few Of My Failed Relationships

When you’re single, your mind occasionally wanders back to your past relationships. Maybe this is true for everyone, but in my case it seems most relationships I’ve had inexplicably went from normal to “what the heck just happened” in a matter of minutes.

I’m a gentleman, so I’m not going to name names or be overtly obvious, but I thought it would be fun to create some fictitious dialogue that aptly describes a few of these “WTH” moments.

CONVERSATION #1

Me: So, it’s agreed. We both think it’s best to wait until marriage.

Her: Yep, totally.

Me: Great. That is such wonderful news.

Her: Tell me about it. It is SUCH a relief to finally find someone like-minded in this area.

Me: I know, right!

(Five minutes later)

Her: Okay, I seriously can’t take this anymore. Give me some lovin’ or I am going to break up with you and burn your house down.

End scene.

CONVERSATION #2

(She excitedly runs up to me.)

Her: Hey!! I’ve got GREAT news!!!

Me: Well…great! Don’t leave me in suspense. What is it??

Her: I just inherited ten thousand dollars!

Me: Wow, that is amazing!

Her: I KNOW!!!!

Me: Just imagine all the things you can do with that money. You could pay off your credit cards! You could start paying back some of the money you borrowed from your dad. You could—

Her: —Buy lots and lots of Tupperware!!

Me: Yeah, you could…wait. What??

End scene.

CONVERSATION #3

(Kevin returns to his seat at the restaurant.)

Her: Kev, we need to talk.

Me: What’s up?

Her: I’ve met someone.

Me: What?? Who? When did this happen?!

Her: A minute ago, when you were in the restroom.

Me: You’re joking, right? I was away for sixty seconds. Who could you even meet in sixty seconds??

Her: It’s not a joke. I have needs, Kevin. I just wish you hadn’t forced my hand by doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Me: I…I’m speechless.

Her: I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes to collect your thoughts.

(Kevin’s phone vibrates. He reads his phone.)

Me: Did you seriously just Tweet, ‘I think I’m in love. This one could be THE one’?? We broke up ten seconds ago and I’m sitting two feet away from you!

Her: Hey, could I ask you for some relationship advice?

End scene.

CONVERSATION #4

Me: You’re remarkable. So remarkable I’m about to say something that has never been uttered in the history of mankind: God must have spent a little more time on you.

Her: No, it is you who is remarkable. Hearing your voice is like having angels from Heaven massaging my ear drums.

Me: How other women, after gazing upon your presence, fail to fall down on their knees and weep is beyond me.

Her: I wonder the same with you, my handsome Greek god. When other men see you, how they refrain from castrating themselves while shouting ‘my genes do not deserve to live in this man’s perfect world’ is lost on me.

Me: You smell like flowers.

Her: You smell like an intoxicating mixture of Old Spice and awesomeness.

(five minutes later)

Her: This isn’t working out.

End scene.

CONVERSATION #5

Me: I’m just not sure. You just got out of a serious relationship.

Her: We broke up two months ago. Besides, that’s over. Completely over. Completely. Zero chance anything will ever, ever, ever, ever—

Me: –You sure?

Her: –ever, ever, ever, ever happen again.

Me: Your repetition has convinced me. Okay, let’s do it. Let’s date!

(One month later)

Her: My ex finally apologized, so we’re cool again. See you around some time.

End scene.

CONVERSATION #6

Her: So, how is your coffee?

Me: It’s pretty good. What’s this place called? Starbucks? I might have to come here again.

Her: You should, you really should.

Me: What did you think of the movie? I’m not sure Jennifer Aniston has it what it takes to be a movie star. She should just stick to TV.

Her: Really? I thought she was good. I didn’t believe Kevin Bacon’s character, though. He’s not hot enough to be someone Jennifer’s character would lie and jump through hoops like that for.

Me: Yeah, you have a point. Jay Mohr was funny, though. Do you remember him from Jerry Maguire?

Her: He was in Jerry Maguire? Hey, you’re right. He was good in that.

Me: Yes, yes he was.

(five minutes later)

Her: I think I’m bi-sexual.

End scene.

CONVERSATION #7

Me: Hey, you know what you should do?

Her: What’s that, sweetie?

Me: You should write a song about me.

Her: Oh?

Me: Yeah, a song about how awesome I am. Call it ‘King of Anything’ so people know I could, in fact, be the king of anything if I put my mind to it.

Her: I’ll…see what I can do.

End scene.

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

One thought on “Fictitious Conversations That Adequately Summarize A Few Of My Failed Relationships

  1. Kevin, I can’t believe you’d include me in this list of disastrous women you dated. I DID write you that song, if you recall. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t the nicest song in the world, but honestly, your ego sometimes…it kills me. I’m tired of being bossed around. We’re over. Also, I think I’m bi-sexual.

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