I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Alright, I'm just a guy (though an admittedly awesome one at that -- oh, and humble) who likes to blog. Sarcasm, quick wit and gorilla dust are my tools of the trade. Feel free to browse my blog and
follow me. It's okay. I won't call the cops.
Click here if you'd like to write a guest blog for SKOS.
For years, Hollywood and — especially — the fashion industry have done a number on the psyches of women. Women who would have otherwise felt as though they were perfectly beautiful instead believe, incorrectly, they were unattractive.
Some women believe their butts are too small, their gold teeth should be 22k instead of 14k, and the tattoos on their lower backs are at least three sizes too small. Women who are not of the music-video-watching persuasion may have hangups about their weight, hair, height, and so on.
I feel for my lady friends and I sincerely hope my future daughters grow up in a world where there are not such ridiculous standards. With the recent news of Vogue magazine vowing to ban models that are “too skinny”, such a world may actually become a reality. (But probably not.)
As a guy, I have more or less been immune to all of this during my lifetime. Sure, in junior high school I felt pressured to grow my sideburns longer because Luke Perry, Jason Priestley and all the guys on Beverly Hills 90210 had sideburns two feet long. And, confused, I may or may not have believed the popularity of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was due to Will Smith’s large ears (thereby making me feel my human-sized ears were inadequate). But, again, more or less, I have been immune to the media’s mission to make us feel bad about ourselves.
And then I bought a home and (re-)discovered HGTV.
Did you know laminate counter tops are of the devil? Did you know kitchen cabinets bought in a store — cabinets that are not “custom” — immediately lower the value of your home by 700%? Did you know having laminate flooring is a crime punishable by a public flogging? Did you know popcorn ceilings are the real reason the Lord flooded the earth in Noah’s day?
I didn’t know any of these things until I started watching HGTV after buying my first home.
Turn on HGTV, and you see rich people with lavish tastes. You see childless couples spending incredible sums of money on homes with three-car garages and five bedrooms. You see Average Joes getting thousands and thousands of dollars worth of home improvements for free. And, occasionally, you will see a DIY project that’s actually practical.
It’s as if Bob Villa, the Kardashians, and the producers of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire had a love child, and that child grew up to create a TV channel.
Years ago when I watched, the shows I liked on HGTV concentrated on small projects you or I could do to perk up our homes, either for our own enjoyment or in order to help us sell our homes. One of the oldies, Design on a Dime, would show viewers all the things they could do to their home with $1,000. Designed to Sell would take $2,000 and, you guessed it, do as much as they could with it to help the homeowners find a buyer.
These shows and shows like them were informative and practical. And, once upon a time, they used to comprise a majority of the HGTV programming schedule. That’s sadly not the case anymore.
Today, HGTV offers us shows like Selling New York and Selling L.A., where we get to watch big-city millionaires complain about the use of marble instead of quartz, or the lack of a private rooftop deck.
We get shows like Million Dollar Rooms, where we see indoor bowling alleys, waterfalls in foyers, and garages decorated in custom, Renaissance-style artwork.
We get shows like HGTV Dream Home and HGTV Green Home, where viewers can win million-dollar palaces by entering contests.
We get shows like Color Splash, where we get to watch horrible, horrible, horrible design creations that are an affront to all that is good and holy. (Sorry, I had no real point with this one. I just hate this show so, so much.)
HGTV has gone from a channel devoted to helping the average homeowner improve their home to a channel that makes the average homeowner feel bad about their home.
Of course, that’s just my opinion…which means I’m probably right.
Update: During my lunch break, I saw a commercial advertising a show called Million Dollar Closets. If you have so much money your closets are jazzed up to the point they are worth millions, you need to find a charity. Or two. Or ten.
I forgot my password. Someone stole my computer. Thieves kidnapped me and were holding me hostage. I fell, hit my head, and had amnesia. A dog ate my homework. I died. I met a girl and fell in love. A witch turned me into a newt (I got better).
One of these explains my blogging absence these past several months. And the winner is…
I had amnesia!
Okay, fine. I met someone and fell in love. I have been so blissfully happy and preoccupied, I just haven’t had time for blogging.
What? You don’t believe me??
It’s true! We’re engaged!
No??
People, I’m telling the truth. I am engaged and getting married. It will be a short engagement and a Spring wedding!
You’re still not buying it? Look, people, I know I tend to be a jokester when I write, but hear me now: I am engaged to be married. Seriously. For real. It is happening. May the good Lord in Heaven strike me down if I am making this up. May I be smothered in honey and brown sugar and trapped in an elevator with a hungry Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore if I am making this up. May I vote for Barack Hussein Obama in the next election if I am making this up!
There. That should convince you.
Those who just happen to pass through and find this blog post are likely thinking, “big deal…who cares?” Those who have been following me over the years know this is a pretty big deal, though. Like Ponce de León searching for the fountain of youth or Nicolas Cage searching for a movie script even he thinks is lousy, I have been searching for what often seemed like the unobtainable: The one.
Last July, I found her. And on New Year’s, I asked her to be my wife. She’s the prettiest, sweetest, kindest, Godliest young lady I have ever known. And I have just been much, much too smitten to find time to blog!
That, my friends, is the truth. The honest-to-goodness truth.
But, for those who may be upset with me and think this isn’t a good enough reason to stop blogging for a few months, would it help if I told you the “witch turned me into a newt” thing was true, too? In fact, that’s how I knew my fiance was the one: She wasn’t scared away when I told her I used to be an amphibian!
I might have made up this last part…
This blog post was originally published three year ago on October 31, 2008. The mark of a true work of art, its message has stood the test of time.
It’s Halloween. It’s time for pumpkins, kids in costumes, trick or treating, and candy. It is also time for the annual outbreak of what researchers have named “Halloween Skankitis.”
Halloween Skankitis is an epidemic that used to only inflict females between the ages of 18 and 35, but now reaches females of all ages. It’s a disease that infects woman who are oftentimes perfectly normal the rest of the year.
What is it?
According to Dr. Kevin Philange, lead researcher of The SKOS Institute, it is “a virus that causes some women on Halloween to dress like street walkers.”
During the four-year study, Philange and his colleagues interviewed women from all over the country and asked them about the virus.
“Something just comes over me when the calendar says October 31st,” says Kim, a 31-year-old secretary from Omaha, Nebraska.
“The rest of the year, I am as conservative a dresser as you’ll ever meet. But when Halloween rolls around, I have this overwhelming urge to mimic Paris Hilton.”
Lisa, a 21-year-old college student from Nevada, agrees.
“I can’t explain it. On October 30th, I wear jeans and a sweater. The next day, I dress like a naughty nurse or maid. On November 1st, I wear jeans and a sweater again.”
When researchers asked Lisa why she chose to dress like a “naughty policewoman” for Halloween in 2006, she responded by saying “I’m not sure” and “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
Though SKOS researchers were unable to discover how the virus is spread or why some women are suspectible to it while others are immune, they were able to formulate a theory for how the virus affects the women’s central nervous systems.
“We believe the virus causes these women to temporarily go insane,” said Philange.
“The insanity coupled with easy access to Halloween costumes, many of which are extremely immodest, leads to the outbreak of skankitis.
“The women are innocent victims.”
Critics of the study contend the risque costumes are not due to a virus, but to the fact the women who wear them feel emboldened on Halloween to dress more daring than they would any other time of the year.
Philange and his research team find such theories insulting.
“Any notion that these women intentionally dress this way is ridiculous,” says Philange.
“The idea that these woman wish they could dress provocatively all year long, but only have the nerve to do so on Halloween when everyone is playing ‘dress up’ is insulting.
“No self respecting woman would dress like a French maid or pirate wench in public on purpose. It HAS to be a virus.”
HOLLYWOOD, CA – In what critics have proclaimed to be “the feel good movie of the year,” Contagion, a movie featuring the death of actress Gwyneth Paltrow, debuted #1 at this week’s box office.
“Finally, a movie that gives people exactly what they want,” exclaimed critic Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times.
“For sixteen years, ever since Se7en teased us with Paltrow’s off-screen death, I’ve been anxiously awaiting a movie that would follow Se7en’s lead,” remarked Gene Shallot.
“I didn’t think I would live long enough to see this day,” sighed Larry King.
The film, which is about something or another starring actors and actresses who may or may not be famous, is being praised not just for giving audiences what they want, but for not making them wait for it. Paltrow’s character, “Beth”, dies very early in the film.
“THAT WAS AWESOME,” shouted moviegoer Keith Dugan as he exited the cineplex moments after Paltrow’s death.
“Feel my arm! I’ve got goosebumps!!”
When you are single and have reached a certain age, it seems as though everyone you know is already married. It’s not reality, but it’s your perception. And perception is often reality when you are single and have reached a certain age.
I have had one relationship of significance in my lifetime. That young lady is getting married tomorrow.
Will tomorrow be a somber day for me? No, not at all. While this young lady is “the ex” in my life, she isn’t “the one who got away.” I don’t say this to be mean, I’m just stating reality. Not my perception of reality, but actual reality.
We were not right for each other. God’s hand was not in that relationship. However, He did grant me the strength and resolve to do what had to be done, which was to end things and send each of us back onto the paths He had intended for us — paths that did not include each other.
I hope, sincerely, the man this young lady is marrying tomorrow is the path God had in mind for her. I trust that it is.
As for me, after getting lost a few times (what can I say…I am directionally challenged), I am back on track. While it is still very early, I have a promising relationship brewing. This young lady is by all accounts the most precious human being I have ever had the pleasure to know. And the juxtaposition of her and the ex, as it relates to being a Godly fit for me, is like night and day.
Some people come into your life for only a season. Some are meant to stay forever. My ex was one of the former. I’m optimistic this new young lady is one of the latter.
On Twitter, I only have 140 characters to unleash my bits of comedic wisdom onto the unsuspecting public. Granted, I am able to do a lot with 140 characters, but sometimes the forced brevity leaves many readers cold and confused. It also leaves them hungry, assuming they have not eaten in a few hours.
So, as I have done twice previously (see here and here), I am going to highlight a few of my Twitter messages and, in a manner only I know how, explain them in thorough, nauseating detail.
You’re welcome, people.
Kind of hard being a tough guy when you’re drinking green tea. Out of a tea cup. Surrounded by women. At a tea party. While wearing a dress. – 3 May 2010
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because when you’re as manly as I am, it takes a lot more than a tea cup and a dress to hide your tough guy facade.
The only way I could care less about “Twilight” is if Obama was giving a speech about it while standing in the middle of a soccer field. – 1 Jul 2010
Why this is funny and/or insightful: The “Twilight” movies are boring. Obama’s speeches are also boring. Soccer, too, is boring. [five minutes later] I’m sorry, where was I? I fell asleep.
Team Edward? Team Jacob? I’m for whichever team is planning a murder-suicide. – 1 Jul 2010
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because if the winning team, after killing its foe, killed itself, the world would be free of both Edward and Jacob. I have no idea who these two individuals are, but since they are in the “Twilight” films I assume I hate them and would welcome their deaths.
I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, the bag of marshmallows I keep beside my bed was empty! – 9 Sep 2010
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because it is a twist on the old joke about dreaming of marshmallows and then waking up to discover your pillow was missing. Pillows are not edible, which makes my joke much funnier.
Bill Maher turned 55 today. Funny, he doesn’t look a day older than ugly as sin. – 20 Jan 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because Bill Maher is an ugly, ugly man. Sadly, he compounds his ugly appearance with a personality that makes me look fondly on his grossly misshapen head.
The show “Color Splash” on HGTV breaks stereotypes. Specifically, the stereotype that all gay men are good at interior design. - 2 Apr 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because “the Color Splash guy”, which is what he is known by in my head since I have neither the time nor desire to Google his actual name, is a “professional” who creates the most hideous interior designs I have ever seen. I anxiously await an episode of “House Hunters” or “Get it Sold” on HGTV that enters a home that has been previously “designed” by “the Color Splash guy.” I am fairly certain the response will be something along the lines of, “This is hideous…there is nothing we can do here…best to just burn the house down to the ground.”
I’m reading “The Art of Manliness”, a book written by Brett and Kate McKay and not, as hard as it is to believe, by yours truly. - 15 Apr 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because yours truly reading a book titled “The Art of Manliness” is akin to Shakespeare reading Strunk and White. (That’s right. Special Kind of Stupid just made a Strunk and White reference. In your face, Lynne Truss!)
Fortune Cookie: “Love is for the lucky and the brave.” So, if I catch a Leprechaun and watch the movie “Leprechaun”, I’ll meet Miss Right? – 21 Apr 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Catching a Leprechaun would require luck. Watching the horrible, unwatchable movie “Leprechaun” would require the bravery of a thousand soldiers. Add these two together and the least God can do is let you find Miss Right. Right??
I believe I’ve found a new, better definition for insanity. It’s watching George Clooney’s inexplicable “Batman & Robin” at 1:00 AM. – 24 Apr 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: At the time this was written, it was one o’clock in the morning, yours truly was having difficulty sleeping, and the horrible 1997 Batman flick starring George Clooney was on television. I debated, for approximately two seconds, whether or not to watch it. Instead, I decided to hit myself in the head with a hammer and write the aforementioned Tweet.
Will “King of Anything” by Sara Bareilles ever get old? It’s a rhetorical question. No, no it will not. - 10 May 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because “King of Anything” is a catchy, catchy song and Sara Bareilles is my girlfriend.
I bought an electric toothbrush today. No more will I have to move my wrist back and forth, up and down, like a caveman. – 25 Jun 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Because cavemen, due to their tiny brains, still moved their wrists back and forth, up and down, despite the electric toothbrush being capable of doing the work for them.
What is a Pippa Middleton? Is it contagious?? - 30 Jun 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: I honestly don’t know. I’m still wondering what a Pippa Middleton is and why Yahoo keeps talking about it. I think I got a Pippa Middleton vaccine shot when I was a child, but I’m not certain.
In honor of Casey Anthony, I will someday hire a nanny named Zanny. Then I will go kill something. – 7 Jul 2011
Why this is funny and/or insightful: Among the many lies that Casey Anthony told after murdering her daughter, Caylee, was telling her mother the child was with a nanny named “Zanny.” Besides proving Casey Anthony was a liar, it also proved she was an idiot.
A far more convincing story would be saying Caylee was at the zoo with a boy named Sue, at the park with Calista Flockhart, or at the dentist with Dr. Crentist.
If you haven’t done it already, follow me on Twitter. I promise to amuse and/or confound you on a daily basis.
A possibly not so brief (and possibly not so factually accurate*) look at news headlines for the week of Friday, June 10, 2011.
In an effort to get out their message of opposition to a proposed bridge project, and to ensure people would actually read their message, the group Americans for Prosperity put flyers disguised as eviction notices on homes all over Detroit. The stunt caused quite a stir as many homeowners panicked and thought they were actually being evicted.
“I almost started to cry,” said Detroit resident Antonio Scarpacci. “But then I checked my mail and saw Ed McMahon had sent me a check for $10,000,000.”
In related news, CNN profiled four homeowners who have not made mortgage payments on their homes in several years, but are still living in their homes. Nationally, it takes an average of 565 days to foreclose on homeowners who are in default on their mortgage.
When asked if living “for free” allowed her and her husband to save money and get on a firmer financial foundation, Kaylee Frye responded: “Oh, are you talking to me? I’m sorry. I was admiring these shoes I just bought. Could you repeat the question?”
The Dow Jones dropped below 12,000 Friday morning as the market is set for its sixth consecutive week of losses. The last time the market had seven consecutive weeks of losses was in May 2001, when the infamous dot-com bubble burst.
When asked for comment, President Obama replied, “Hey, remember when I killed Osama bin Laden with my bare hands?!”
And finally, in the aftermath of mayoral hopeful and pervert Anthony Weiner’s sex scandal, actor Alec Baldwin is considering a run for mayor of New York in 2013.
“Clearly, New York needs a leader of which it can be proud,” said Baldwin as he screamed at his daughter on the phone, contemplated suicide, bickered with ex-wife Kim Basinger, and acted out scenes from his box-office bomb Pearl Harbor.
“But since that’s never going to happen, they might as well settle for me.”
*These stories are true and the hyperlinks are legitimate. My comments, however, are totally fabricated and meant for comedic purposes only. Obama killed Osama with his ferocious kicks, not his hands. Thank you.
95, 98, 95, 97, 100, 99, 100, 100, 98, 103, 103, 102, 101, 99, 99, 100, 100.
Those aren’t the grades I received in school. They aren’t the scores random girls give me in the “looks” department. No, these are the temperatures the past few days in my neck of the woods and the predicted, upcoming temperatures for the next week or so.
In other words, “my neck of the woods” is, literally, the surface of the sun.
It’s hot, folks. Super hot. Insanely hot. Inexplicably hot. And “best” of all? Summer doesn’t even officially begin for another three weeks.
That is why I decided to turn my home into a giant baked potato.
That’s right. To tame the intense heat, I have wrapped my house in tin foil. Don’t believe me? Just look at the photo to your left. That’s not Photoshop magic. That’s real. If you want to see a larger version, click here.
I got the idea after noticing how people would keep the interior of their cars cool by using windshield sun shades. The reflective material, instead of absorbing the sun’s heat, reflected it.
“If that works on cars,” I thought to myself, out loud, while a random girl handed me a piece of paper that had “100″ written on it, “it can work on my house, too.”
So, I went to my local Wal-Mart and bought every roll of aluminum foil they had. Then I climbed on top of my roof and got to work. The result? My entire roof now reflects the sun’s heat. And as an added bonus, aliens cannot read my thoughts!
Since I’m a trendsetter, I have little doubt this is going to catch on. I surely expect to see my neighbors climbing their roofs with aluminum foil in hand. And when they see that I’ve noticed their copycat behavior, I will smile and give them a thumb’s up.
Later, when they are away, I will steal their aluminum foil.
No worries, everyone. I haven’t lost my mind. That actually IS a photo of my home. But no, it’s not aluminum foil. Well, not exactly. It’s a heavy-duty radiant barrier. Since I am having a new, metal roof put on my home, I took the opportunity to make it more energy efficient. On top of my existing asphalt shingles goes the radiant barrier. On top of the radiant barrier goes 1×4 wood strips to create a batten system and provide the air gap necessary for the radiant barrier to work properly. And on top of the batten system will go my metal roof. The end result will be a roof that lasts me decades and will be even more energy efficient than a standard metal roof (which is already pretty energy efficient).
And, hey, as an added bonus, aliens seriously can’t read my thoughts.
It has occurred to me that it’s likely a good thing I don’t have a special someone in my life at the moment. Because, if I did, this whole “renovating my house situation” would surely scare her away. Unless she had the patience of Ghandi, that is. (Hopefully she’d be as hot as Ghandi, too. Am I right, fellas?)
Case in point: I need to buy a garden hose. Why? Because I have some weeds in my yard, and I want to buy weed killer you hook up to a garden hose and spray on your lawn. I went to Lowe’s last night to look for these items. Did I purchase said items? No. Why? Because I was doing research. I wanted to see what weed killers were available so I could research them online. Ditto the garden hose.
Yep, I didn’t go ahead and buy a garden hose because I wanted to RESEARCH WHICH GARDEN HOSE IS BEST TO BUY. A girlfriend/wife will be driven batty by this side of me, I just know it. So, it’s best I get as much of this house-renovation stuff out of the way so I can remedy this whole “being single thing” I have going on without fear of driving the future Mrs. Lucky to the funny farm.
By the way: Since I’m SURE you all wondering, I am going to buy Ortho Weed-B-Gon Max for my weed killer, and a Sears Craftsman Heavy Duty Neverkink Self-straightening garden hose. Why that one? Because Sears has a lifetime warranty on it. If it ever breaks down, I can just return it and get a new one. Sold to an overly-frugal American!
When you’re single, your mind occasionally wanders back to your past relationships. Maybe this is true for everyone, but in my case it seems most relationships I’ve had inexplicably went from normal to “what the heck just happened” in a matter of minutes.
I’m a gentleman, so I’m not going to name names or be overtly obvious, but I thought it would be fun to create some fictitious dialogue that aptly describes a few of these “WTH” moments.
CONVERSATION #1
Me: “So, it’s agreed. We both think it’s best to wait until marriage.”
Her: “Yep, totally.”
Me: “Great. That is such wonderful news.”
Her: “Tell me about it. It is SUCH a relief to finally find someone like-minded in this area.”
Me: “I know, right!”
(Five minutes later)
Her: “Okay, I seriously can’t take this anymore. Give me some lovin’ or I am going to break up with you and burn your house down.”
End scene.
CONVERSATION #2
(She excitedly runs up to me.)
Her: “Hey!! I’ve got GREAT news!!!”
Me: “Well…great! Don’t leave me in suspense. What is it??”
Her: “I just inherited ten thousand dollars!”
Me: “Wow, that is amazing!”
Her: “I KNOW!!!!”
Me: “Just imagine all the things you can do with that money. You could pay off your credit cards! You could start paying back some of the money you borrowed from your dad. You could—”
Her: “—Buy lots and lots of Tupperware!!”
Me: “Yeah, you could…wait. What??”
End scene.
CONVERSATION #3
(Kevin returns to his seat at the restaurant.)
Her: “Kev, we need to talk.”
Me: “What’s up?”
Her: “I’ve met someone.”
Me: “What?? Who? When did this happen?!”
Her: “A minute ago, when you were in the restroom.”
Me: “You’re joking, right? I was away for sixty seconds. Who could you even meet in sixty seconds??”
Her: “It’s not a joke. I have needs, Kevin. I just wish you hadn’t forced my hand by doing absolutely nothing wrong.”
Me: “I…I’m speechless.”
Her: “I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes to collect your thoughts.”
(Kevin’s phone vibrates. He reads his phone.)
Me: “Did you seriously just Tweet, ‘I think I’m in love. This one could be THE one’?? We broke up ten seconds ago and I’m sitting two feet away from you!”
Her: “Hey, could I ask you for some relationship advice?”
End scene.
CONVERSATION #4
Me: “You’re remarkable. So remarkable I’m about to say something that has never been uttered in the history of mankind: God must have spent a little more time on you.”
Her: “No, it is you who is remarkable. Hearing your voice is like having angels from Heaven massaging my ear drums.”
Me: “How other women, after gazing upon your presence, fail to fall down on their knees and weep is beyond me.”
Her: “I wonder the same with you, my handsome Greek god. When other men see you, how they refrain from castrating themselves while shouting ‘my genes do not deserve to live in this man’s perfect world’ is lost on me.”
Me: “You smell like flowers.”
Her: “You smell like an intoxicating mixture of Old Spice and awesomeness.”
(five minutes later)
Her: “This isn’t working out.”
End scene.
CONVERSATION #5
Me: “I’m just not sure. You just got out of a serious relationship.”
Her: “We broke up two months ago. Besides, that’s over. Completely over. Completely. Zero chance anything will ever, ever, ever, ever—”
Me: “–You sure?”
Her: “–ever, ever, ever, ever happen again.”
Me: “Your repetition has convinced me. Okay, let’s do it. Let’s date!”
(One month later)
Her: “My ex finally apologized, so we’re cool again. See you around some time.”
End scene.
CONVERSATION #6
Her: “So, how is your coffee?”
Me: “It’s pretty good. What’s this place called? Starbucks? I might have to come here again.”
Her: “You should, you really should.”
Me: “What did you think of the movie? I’m not sure Jennifer Aniston has it what it takes to be a movie star. She should just stick to TV.”
Her: “Really? I thought she was good. I didn’t believe Kevin Bacon’s character, though. He’s not hot enough to be someone Jennifer’s character would lie and jump through hoops like that for.”
Me: “Yeah, you have a point. Jay Mohr was funny, though. Do you remember him from Jerry Maguire?”
Her: “He was in Jerry Maguire? Hey, you’re right. He was good in that.”
Me: “Yes, yes he was.”
(five minutes later)
Her: “I think I’m bi-sexual.”
End scene.
CONVERSATION #7
Me: “Hey, you know what you should do?”
Her: “What’s that, sweetie?”
Me: “You should write a song about me.”
Her: “Oh?”
Me: “Yeah, a song about how awesome I am. Call it ‘King of Anything’ so people know I could, in fact, be the king of anything if I put my mind to it.”
Her: “I’ll…see what I can do.”
End scene.
Since I deliberately avoid things I know will hurt my brain, it took a few weeks for the following bit of “news” to make its way to me. I put quotation marks around “news” because nothing, absolutely nothing, about this person is actually newsworthy.
I speak, of course, of Paris Hilton.
The “news”? Her boasting that she is “the original.”
“There’s so many people out there who try to imitate what I do, but I am the original,” Paris told the Associated Press. “There is nothing like me.”
Now, I don’t want to get off on a Dennis Miller here, but I find it inexplicable that someone who has lived Paris Hilton’s life can actually be proud of said life. Let’s do a brief recap, shall we?
- Before most of us knew who the heck she was (oh, those were such glorious days), Paris was “famous” for being a hotel heiress and for, well, going to parties.
- In 2003, she had a sex tape leaked on the Internet. Later in 2003, she co-starred on a television show where she portrayed the character “Paris” — a spoiled rich girl who was incompetent in practically all areas. (Note: It was a “reality” show. She was playing herself.)
- In 2004, she released a music album. It was awful.
- Also in 2004, she was photographed wearing the infamous “Vote or Die” t-shirt even though she wasn’t registered to vote in the upcoming elections. In other words, she did not vote and (sadly) did not die.
- In 2007, she was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.
- Also in 2007, a video was released that featured Paris saying a variety of ethnic slurs and derogatory terms that would have made even John Rocker blush.
- In 2009, when “swine flu” was all the rage, Paris wasn’t concerned about her health. When asked if she was concerned about the virus, Paris replied, “I don’t eat that.”
- She’s attempted to “act” in several movies. She’s won two “Razzie” Awards, one for “Worst Supporting Actress” and one for “Worst Actress.” The latter “award” was for the horrible The Hottie and the Nottie, a movie that ranks as the 35th worst movie of all-time according to IMDB.com and that grossed a grand total of $27,696 its opening weekend at the box office.
I could go on, but talking this much about such a loathsome individual makes me want to walk through a car wash.
Despite all this, Paris Hilton believes she has lived a life worthy of envy. Inexplicable.
And what’s most inexplicable is…she’s right. There are people out there who do envy Paris Hilton’s life. There are people out there who want to be just like her. It’s for this reason that, despite all the above, she’s “written” a bestselling book. And been able to start a fashion line. And a line of perfumes. And…
I’ve commented many times that I believe the society we live in is deplorable. We don’t respect our elders, we view the “sanctity of marriage” as some quaint notion from a bygone era, we do our darnedest to remove “God” from anything and everything, and we idolize people like Paris Hilton.
That we throw accolades and attention Paris Hilton’s way instead of rotten apples and indifference is one of our society’s greatest travesties.* I just pray she never reproduces. To quote Scott Weiland, in a song allegedly written about Paris Hilton, “Why don’t you spay yourself?”
Now that is the best idea I’ve heard all day.
*The same applies for Lindsay Lohan and anyone with the last name “Kardashian.”
“If I knew then what I know now…”
I stopped myself before even finishing the statement. Who was I kidding? I totally would have bought my new home back in November if I had known then what I know now. Heck, I did know then what I know now, for the most part.
I knew my home was a foreclosure. I knew its owner of 21 years had used it as rental property, and that she had been a neglectful landlord. I knew the home needed work; specifically, a new roof. And I knew all this meant I was going to have to spend some money to get the house where I wanted it to be.
But I was okay with all that. Why, you ask?
Well, I loved the neighborhood. I loved its convenient location. I loved the fact it’s nice and quiet. I loved the fact it’s a street unto itself with no throughway traffic, so the only cars you see are your neighbors, friends of neighbors, or prospective neighbors hoping to see “for sale” signs. I loved the fact the neighborhood projects as one that’s unlikely, due to the homes’ prices, to ever “go downhill.”
I loved the fact my neighbors are homeowners (not renters) with families. I loved the fact my neighbors’ homes are nice, distinct, well priced, and the lawns are cared for and regularly landscaped.
And, yes, I loved the potential of the house itself. It was almost 3k square feet with 4 bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths — far big enough for any size family I hope to have one day. It had almost an acre of land — double or triple the lot size of most homes in the neighborhood.
But can I be perfectly honest? The main reason I loved the house and would buy it again if given a chance is…
It was a freakin’ steal!
I’m sorry. Did I shout? I didn’t mean to shout.
The reality is, while I knew my purchase price was a good one back in November, I didn’t realize how good it was until recently.
Three weeks before I closed on my home, a home down the street, unbeknownst to me since it had been taken off the market shortly before my home search began, also sold. It was 900 square feet smaller than mine. It had 3 bedrooms instead of 4. It had 2 baths instead of 2 1/2. And its lot was approximately 1/3 the size of mine. This home, which did not appear on the list of “comparables” when I purchased my home because its sale had been so recent, sold for 81% more than my home.
This home’s next-door neighbor has since gone up for sale. It is 500 square feet smaller than my home, but it has the same number of bedrooms and baths. Its lot, again, is approximately 1/3 the size of my own. And its current listed price is 88% greater than my home’s sale price.
(I suspect this neighbor loves the “81%” home next door since that neighbor’s sale price validates its list price. Conversely, I suspect this neighbor hates my guts. But I digress.)
There are more examples, but you get the idea. Okay, one more…
The home directly across the street from me is now up for sale. Yada, yada, yada…its list price is 94% higher than my sale price. And yeah, I’m most definitely sure this neighbor hates my guts.
There are catches, of course. I mentioned them way up above. These homes, I assume, are in relatively good condition. My home needs a new roof. And new flooring. And maintenance on the HVAC system. And a few other odds and ends.
Beyond money, this is going to take time. And that’s the real catch. I can put a relatively-obscene amount of money (for me) into renovating my home (say, 50% of my purchase price), and the amount I would have into the home would still be 20% less than the sale price of the “81% home” that also sold in November. In other words, I’d still have a good deal on my hands.
But time…that’s the killer.
I want to enjoy my new home, but to date I haven’t really been able to. My home isn’t a place I live so much as it’s a place I go when I want to practice DIY tips I learned while watching HGTV. But I can’t truly live there until I’ve taken care of the roof. All the other home renovation dominoes will fall once the roof is addressed.
“Well, what are you waiting for?,” you’re probably thinking.
“I have been reading your ‘roofer’ updates on Twitter and Facebook for seemingly months now…what gives?,” my Twitter and Facebook followers might be asking.
“Good grief, man, you bought the home in NOVEMBER! Why don’t you have a new roof yet?,” my mom is likely shouting.
“I am trying,” I (literally) shout.
And that fact, that I have been trying, is the aggravating part. Starting in December, mere days after being given the keys to my new home, I have been in contact with well over a dozen roofing contractors. I contacted every single (local) roofer that was accredited in the Better Business Bureau. I contacted every roofer who had a sign in a neighbor’s yard (indicating they had re-roofed that particular neighbor and the neighbor, seemingly, was pleased with the work). I went to the local supply company that has been in business since 1947 and asked them for the list of roofing contractors they recommended.
And you know what I have gotten for my efforts?
Jack…wait for it…squat.
One roofer I found in Better Business Bureau gave me an estimate that included a 725% markup on the price of asphalt shingles. I’m guessing he assumed I didn’t know how to get online and look up the retail price.
One of the roofers recommended by the local supply company looked at my roof a month ago and promised to get his labor-only quote (I would be buying the materials) to me as soon as possible. A week later I called him. He apologized and said he would have the info to me soon. A week later, I called him again. Same story. Two weeks later, I called him again. This time I received my quote. I then asked him to give me the list of supplies I would need to purchase. He told me he would get the info to me as soon as possible. I have now been waiting a week.
Perhaps my “favorite” roofer story comes from the very first one I contacted — the one that’s BBB accredited and been in business in the area since 1959. The one that re-roofed my grandparent’s home more than two decades ago. The one that once gave my parent’s a re-roof quote that seemed fairly reasonable. Here is the e-mail I wrote them:
Good afternoon. I recently purchased a home that has its original asphalt roof. The entire roof needs to be replaced, and there are at least two areas that will need new sheathing. I need gutters as well (this home has none and badly needs them). There are no fascia boards, so an alternative method for hanging the gutters will need to be used.
I would like to schedule a free estimate at your earliest convenience. Please contact me via email (xxx@xxxxx.com), which is my preferred method of contact, or phone (xxx-xxx-xxxx). Thank you!
P.S. Full disclosure: I am getting estimates from several roofers before choosing which is my best option. Thanks!
And HERE is the verbatim response I received:
Thanks, when your done shopping prices and would like to have a professional evaluation at a reasonable price.and not the cheapest.I would be happy to meet you.finish your shoping first.then I will be able to show you.why you cant buy by price alone.cheapest and.roof in the same sentence will never equal a quality product.dont be offended by my words.im serious about roofing.hope your serious about buying a quality roof system, [name omitted]
Now, the impeccable spelling and grammar aside, this response was curious due to the fact that nowhere in my e-mail to him did I indicate I was looking for the cheapest estimate possible!
Still, I kept my composure and sent a follow-up response:
Thank you for your quick response. My plan isn’t to go with the lowest price, but instead the plan that best meets my situation and needs. Price will, obviously, be part of the criterion I look at, but it won’t be the only one.
But before I weigh my options, I do need professional estimates from every roofing contractor I am considering. If you would like to see my home, discuss my roofing needs and provide such an estimate, please email me again and we’ll schedule a meeting where you can come take a look at my roof.
Thank you for your time (and, again, your quick response). Hope you have a great weekend!
His response? Just a time and a date. Literally.
4-6 pm thursday 9th or 16
No “I am sorry for assuming” or “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions” or even an “I am sorry I have the grammatical skills of a second grader.” Heck, he didn’t even ask me if that date and time worked for me. He just gave me a date and time.
Now, because I was young and naive, I didn’t tell this guy to get lost. After two days of deliberation, I e-mailed him back and confirmed the time and date. And when “Thursday 9th” rolled around, I left work early to meet him at my home.
Did he bother to show up? Did he give me a courtesy “I need to reschedule” phone call? No, dear readers. He did not. Six o’clock rolled around and the man was nowhere to be found.
The only roofer who seemed likeable and professional was by far the most expensive. His quote was $6k more than the quote from the aforementioned roofer with the 725% shingle markup and more than twice the quote from the lowest roofer, if that gives you a general idea. And his quote didn’t even include removing my existing shingles! So, while he seemed likeable and professional, he was also severely overcharging me.
All this has me severely disillusioned. As good of a deal as I got on my house, it’s a horrible deal if I can never enjoy it. And with the roofing situation stretching into month five (!), I have come to the following conclusion:
I am going replace my roof myself.
What do you think, dear readers? Is replacing my own roof a good idea? Should I have come to this conclusion months ago? What ARE the chances of me falling off my roof?
NEW YORK, NY – Fans of music and walking were devastated today after Charlie and Craig Reid, the identical Scottish twins known around the world as The Proclaimers, announced that the lyrics to “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)”, their 1993 hit song featured on the Benny & Joon movie soundtrack, weren’t actually true.
According to their press release:
“We are tired of living a lie. The world needs to know that we would not, in fact, walk 500 miles. And we would most certainly not walk 500 more. We would not walk these 1,000 miles just to be the man who falls down at your door. Da Da Da (da da da), Da Da Da (da da da), Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da.
Thank you.”
Reaction to the news was swift and negative.
“My world as I know it has ended,” exclaimed Keith Dugan, president of the 500 Miles Fan Club.
“That was my and my husband’s wedding song,” lamented Angela Carter of of Sitka, Alaska. “Does this mean our marriage is based on a lie??”
“I don’t know how, but (George W.) Bush is somehow responsible for this travesty,” promised President Barack Obama.
The timing of the news was particularly difficult coming on the heels of yesterday’s announcement from Chris Barron of (90′s alt-rock band) the Spin Doctors who said he actually has “no idea what a prince and lover ought to be.”
Okay, for those who don’t get any of these references, here is the YouTube link for The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) music video. Johnny Depp is featured heavily, for those of you who care about such things!
Apparently, the web is all abuzz over a video of twin baby boys having an animated conversation with one another.
What’s that? You haven’t seen it? You haven’t even heard about it? That’s okay, neither had I. But now I have seen it and, as you loyal readers of mine could probably predict, I have a few thoughts regarding what the babies are discussing.
But first, those who haven’t seen it need to watch it. And those who have seen it need to watch it again. Then and only then will you be worthy of reading my thoughts!
(Seriously, though. Watch it before scrolling down. Nothing I say will make sense if you haven’t watched the video. Yes, I realize most of what I say doesn’t make sense. But it will be especially true this time.)
So, what did you think? You did watch it, didn’t you? Didn’t you?
Okay, just checking. Now, here is what they were saying. For clarity, Baby #1 is the one on the left. Baby #2 is on the right. And for those of you who cannot tell your left from your right, I’m guessing you also cannot read. So…yeah.
Baby #2: “What did you do with my sock?!”
Baby #1: “Huh?”
Baby #2: “Don’t ‘huh’ me! My sock!! Where is it??”
Baby #1: “How am I supposed to know?”
Baby #2: “Don’t play dumb with me! I know you took my sock. Give it!”
Baby #1: “Look, I have my own sock problems, okay? See these socks I’m wearing? They don’t match.”
Baby #2: “What do you mean they don’t match? They’re fine.”
Baby #1: “No they aren’t. Look closely!”
Baby #2: “I don’t see anything.”
Baby #1: “What are you, man, blind? These are similar, but mismatched socks.”
Baby #2: “So…?”
Baby #1: “SO?!?!”
Baby #2: “Did I stutter?!”
Baby #1: “There is no way I’m going outside in mismatched socks. It’s not happening!”
Baby #2: “Hey, at least you HAVE two socks! Or, should I say, at least you have THREE socks!!”
Baby #1: “What are you implying??”
Baby #2: “I’m implying that you stole my sock and, combined with the two socks you have already, you have three socks!!”
Baby #1: “WHY would I steal your sock??”
Baby #2: “Who knows? I don’t pretend to understand the motivations of a sock bandit!!”
Baby #1: “You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”
Baby #2: “Wait a second. You just flinched…”
Baby #1: “I what?”
Baby #2: “You flinched. Every time I touch this freezer drawer, you get a look in your eye. You hid my sock in there, didn’t you?”
Baby #1: “What??”
Baby #2: “Aha! You did! You thought you could fool me, but I have read your book, you magnificent b-word!”
Baby #1: “Okay, I’ve had about enough of this. I’d like you to leave. This is my corner. See that egg beater under your foot? That’s mine.”
Baby #2: “Oh, I’ll leave alright. But not without my sock!”
Baby #1: “You’re going to feel pretty silly when you open that freezer and don’t find your sock.”
Baby #2: “Oh, it’s in there. I know it’s in there!”
(tries to open freezer)
And scene.
I suppose it’s possible the babies were discussing something else. Their repeated giggles would seem to indicate as much. Still, I think the above dialogue is pretty spot on.
What do YOU think?
Did you know Special Kind of Stupid now has a Facebook page? Go here to “like” it. It’s what all the cool babies are doing.
