Category Archives: Absurd Archive

“Absurd Archive.” Remember the days of AOL and Instant Messenger? Well, if you do, these posts will hit home.

Absurd Archive: A very bad day

In a world before blogging, Twitter, Mybook or Facespace, there was America Online. And in that world, the questionable element of society would prey on unsuspecting innocents by pretending to be AOL employees. Their mission: To steal passwords. Years before I would go on to blog about very special and very stupid things, I made it my mission to toy with these criminal wannabes.

This was one of those times.

A Very Bad Day
A random instant message pops up on my screen…
AOLPolice: Due to a security breach of our database, the ingretity of your America Online account has been compromised. Please provide your date of birth and password so your identity can be confirmed.
me: For crying out loud. I didn’t think this day could POSSIBLY get any worse! Now my account has been compromised? What’s next, God?? Locust???
AOLPolice: I don’t mean to alarm you. We have the situation well in order. We just need your password in order to certify your account’s information is safe.
me: You have the situation well in order? Yeah, right. Like I haven’t heard that one already today.
me: The plumber said the exact same thing moments before thousands of gallons of water began pouring into my basement.
AOLPolice: I’m sorry to hear that.
me: Sorry? Yeah, the vet told me he was sorry, too. Right before he told me my dog passed away early this morning.
AOLPolice: Sounds like you’re having a bad day. I hate to make it worse, but I’m just trying to do my job.
me: Yeah, that’s what the social service worker said when she took my two kids this morning. “I’m just doing my job,” she said. Tell it to my fists, missy!!
AOLPolice: Sounds like you’re having a REALLY bad day. I don’t want to take any more of your time, so if you can just confirm your information I’ll get out of your hair.
me: Hair? HAIR?!? I woke up this morning to find all my hair had fallen out during the night! How dare you mention hair to me at a time like this. You jerk!
AOLPolice: Okay, you’re clearly messing with me. You can’t be serious.
me: That’s what I told my doctor this morning when he said he was going to have to amputate my foot!
AOLPolice: I don’t have time for this, loser.
me: LOSER? That’s what my wife called me this morning before she packed her bags and hopped into a taxi!
AOLPolice: I’m guessing there’s zero chance you’re actually going to give me your password.
me: Zero chance?? That’s what my boss said were the odds of me ever getting another job. And then he had security throw me out of the building!
AOLPolice: Stop it.
me: Ouch! I just chipped a tooth. Stupid almonds. Darn you! Darn you to Hades!!
AOLPolice: Stop IMing me.
me: What’s happening?? I think I’m slowly losing my eyesight…
me: I’m going blind!!!
me: I’m…yep, I’m blind!
AOLPolice: Stop.
me: AGGHGHGHGHG!!!!
me: H9HG3GH9Y3987GH9G3SHLHG22
The next day…
me: Thank goodness you’re back online! My eyesight has returned, but now my fingers are falling off!!!
AOLPolice: You seriously need to get a life.
me: Those are strong words, especially coming from someone so pathetic they spend their days trying to scam people out of their passwords.
me: By the way: My house is now on fire.
AOLPolice signed offline, never to return again.

Absurd Archive: Acting Audition

In a world before blogging, Twitter, Mybook or Facespace, there was America Online. And in that world, the questionable element of society would prey on unsuspecting innocents by pretending to be AOL employees. Their mission: To steal passwords. Years before I would go on to blog about very special and very stupid things, I made it my mission to toy with these criminal wannabes.

This was one of those times.

The Acting Audition
A random instant message pops up on my screen…
TOSadmin: Good afternoon. I am with America Online’s Terms of Service Department. Unfortunately, we believe your account might have been compromised. Please provide your password so we can confirm.
me: Excellent! I have a big audition tomorrow and I need to practice. Care to help me out? You pretend to be a hacker who is pretending to be an AOL employee, okay? Your motivation: You want my password. Me, I’m going to be playing the part of a guy minding his own business, who has some idiot IM him asking for his password. Ready?
me: Okay…ACTION!
TOSadmin: Very funny, sir. However, I really am an employee of AOL and I really do need to confirm your password.
me: But why do you need it? I don’t understand.
me: (You’re doing great! Very believable.)
TOSadmin: I need your password so I can confirm you are the proper owner of this account. Password theft has become a common issue lately, so AOL has its employees checking records and confirming identities.
me: But how can I be sure you are who you say you are? How do I know shenanigans aren’t afoot? I’ve been hurt so many times before. My heart! I don’t think my heart could take another wound!
me: (You’re nailing it, my friend! A less intelligent person would be convinced you really WERE an AOL employee!)
TOSadmin: Sir, this is not a joke. If you do not cooperate, I’m afraid your account will be terminated.
me: This is an outrage! I have done nothing wrong. I’m just a poor boy from the streets, trying to make a name for himself in this cold, cruel world.
me: WHY ME, GOD? WHY? AGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
me: (If this was the actual audition, this is where I’d start singing.)
TOSadmin: If you do not cooperate and give me your password, your account will be immediately terminated. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
me: Cry “havoc!” And let slip the dogs of war! That this foul deed shall smell above the
earth with carrion men, groaning for burial.
me: (That’s from Shakespeare. What do you think? Too unoriginal? Please, give me your honest
opinion. I can take it.)
TOSadmin: Sir, I do not have time for this. Yours is just one of hundreds of accounts I have to confirm today. Quit playing around and give me your password so we can each get on with our day.
me: What’s that? This role I’m auditioning for requires nudity? Oh no, no, no. I’m much too shy. No, I can’t. Well, so long as it’s tasteful…
TOSadmin: ENOUGH! JUST GIVE ME YOUR &@!% PASSWORD.
me: CUT! You’ve got to bring it down a little. Keep it real. Think DeNiro, not Pacino.
me: Okay…ACTION!
TOSadmin gets offline. Hopefully, he signed off so he could go join an acting class.