Category Archives: Best-Worst

It takes a very special post to be placed in the Best/Worst category of Special Kind of Stupid. By that I mean it must be at least 50 words in length and contain at least one reference to something.

Obama should hire me to fix health care website

With all the issues plaguing Obamacare’s new baby, the HealthCare.gov website, the contractors who created it are testifying today in a Congressional hearing. Neither the White House nor the contractors want to accept responsibility for the issues, so there likely will be much finger pointing.

Regardless of who is responsible, there is one indisputable fact: They should hire me to fix the website.

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proclaimers

World mourns as ‘Proclaimers’ admit they would not walk anywhere near 500 miles to fall down at your door

NEW YORK, NY – Fans of music and walking were devastated today after Charlie and Craig Reid, the identical Scottish twins known around the world as The Proclaimers, announced that the lyrics to “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)”, their 1993 hit song featured on the Benny & Joon movie soundtrack, weren’t actually true.

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obama_wii

Obama on Libya: “Don’t Worry, America. I’m still Liberal and Black.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to calm citizens who have noticed similarities between the country’s recent military assault on Libya and the origins of George W. Bush’s assault on Iraq eight years ago, President Obama has outlined the key differences between himself and his predecessor.

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cute-baby

Why yes, that IS your biological clock ticking on account of me smelling like a baby

When you are a man who has reached a certain age, you find that the pool of prospective women available to you are also of a certain age. And for many women who have reached this certain age, the topic of “babies” is utmost on their minds.

Some refer to it as the ticking of the biological clock. I refer to it as a wonderful seller’s market filled with motivated buyers.

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You can be vegan and still eat a Nicolas Cage sandwich

With a blog title like this one, a backstory would probably be helpful, right? Right…

My brother, who loved cheese so much I’m pretty certain he dreamed of coagulation each night, has decided to become a vegan. Apparently, he watched a documentary on food that sickened him.

Initially, I assumed he accidentally saw a Michael Moore documentary and watched a scene of the walrus-shaped man eating a wild hog or something, but I was mistaken. He saw “Food, Inc.”, which showed animals being treated in less than humane ways. At least, I assume it did based on what my brother has told me. I haven’t seen it. I love food and would hate to ruin the mystery, you know?

So, anyway, he’s adopted the vegan lifestyle. Tonight, he was telling the story of someone who gave him a chicken biscuit for breakfast. At the same time, a trailer for a Nicolas Cage movie came on TV.

[BEGIN ACTUAL CONVERSATION]

Brother: “So I planned on just eating the biscuit and giving the chicken to [my dog]…”

Nicolas Cage hams it up on the television screen

Brother: “…but when I looked at the chicken, it sickened me. It actually sickened me to look at it.”

Nicolas Cage, playing a wizard or something, still somehow manages to overact in his scene

Me: “Would you rather eat chicken or watch a Nicolas Cage movie?”

Brother: “What?”

Me: “You heard me. Eat chicken or watch Nicolas Cage?”

Brother: “I don’t want to do either.”

Nicolas Cage smiles at the camera and then says something unintelligible

Me: “Well, clearly. But if you had to choose, which would it be?”

Brother: “I wouldn’t eat chicken.”

Me: “So you would prefer Nicolas Cage? Interesting…”

Brother: “This is…”

Me: “Second question: Would you rather eat chicken or eat Nicolas Cage?”

Brother: “What??”

Me: “You heard me. It’s a very simple question. Would you rather eat chicken or eat a stir-fry made out of Nicolas Cage meat?”

Brother: “That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Yes, I get it. You’re a vegan. Food is disgusting. Blah, blah, blah. Answer the question.”

Brother: “I am not eating a human.”

Me: “Ah, but see, we would kill him in the most humane way possible. That’s your hangup, right? That the animals aren’t treated humanely? Well, we’ll make sure Nicolas Cage dies peacefully in his sleep while lying on a mountain of pillows and Sara Bareilles singing lullabies into his ear.”

Brother: “…”

Me: “Come on, what do you say?”

Me: “Homemade lasagna with Nicolas Cage sauce.”

Me: “Green eggs and Nicolas Cage.”

Me: “A NCLT. That stands for ‘Nicolas Cage Lettuce and Tomato’, by the way.”

[END CONVERSATION]

Yes, folks. This actually took place. I pray none of you were eating stir fry, lasagna, eggs, a BLT or any other food while reading this. I also pray all of you are able to get the mental image of eating Nicolas Cage out of your heads.

Still, if you think about it, this would prevent us from ever having to watch another one of his films…

francoeur

Wish granted: Mets trade unhappy Jeff Francoeur to church softball team in Omaha

NEW YORK – Saying it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do, New York Mets General Manager Omar Minaya announced today that he has traded disgruntled outfielder Jeff Francoeur to the adult softball team at First Presbyterian Church in Omaha, Nebraska.

“I’m not exaggerating,” noted Minaya. “Finding someone who wanted Jeff Francoeur was literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

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Absurd Archive: A very bad day

In a world before blogging, Twitter, Mybook or Facespace, there was America Online. And in that world, the questionable element of society would prey on unsuspecting innocents by pretending to be AOL employees. Their mission: To steal passwords. Years before I would go on to blog about very special and very stupid things, I made it my mission to toy with these criminal wannabes.

This was one of those times.

A Very Bad Day
A random instant message pops up on my screen…
AOLPolice: Due to a security breach of our database, the ingretity of your America Online account has been compromised. Please provide your date of birth and password so your identity can be confirmed.
me: For crying out loud. I didn’t think this day could POSSIBLY get any worse! Now my account has been compromised? What’s next, God?? Locust???
AOLPolice: I don’t mean to alarm you. We have the situation well in order. We just need your password in order to certify your account’s information is safe.
me: You have the situation well in order? Yeah, right. Like I haven’t heard that one already today.
me: The plumber said the exact same thing moments before thousands of gallons of water began pouring into my basement.
AOLPolice: I’m sorry to hear that.
me: Sorry? Yeah, the vet told me he was sorry, too. Right before he told me my dog passed away early this morning.
AOLPolice: Sounds like you’re having a bad day. I hate to make it worse, but I’m just trying to do my job.
me: Yeah, that’s what the social service worker said when she took my two kids this morning. “I’m just doing my job,” she said. Tell it to my fists, missy!!
AOLPolice: Sounds like you’re having a REALLY bad day. I don’t want to take any more of your time, so if you can just confirm your information I’ll get out of your hair.
me: Hair? HAIR?!? I woke up this morning to find all my hair had fallen out during the night! How dare you mention hair to me at a time like this. You jerk!
AOLPolice: Okay, you’re clearly messing with me. You can’t be serious.
me: That’s what I told my doctor this morning when he said he was going to have to amputate my foot!
AOLPolice: I don’t have time for this, loser.
me: LOSER? That’s what my wife called me this morning before she packed her bags and hopped into a taxi!
AOLPolice: I’m guessing there’s zero chance you’re actually going to give me your password.
me: Zero chance?? That’s what my boss said were the odds of me ever getting another job. And then he had security throw me out of the building!
AOLPolice: Stop it.
me: Ouch! I just chipped a tooth. Stupid almonds. Darn you! Darn you to Hades!!
AOLPolice: Stop IMing me.
me: What’s happening?? I think I’m slowly losing my eyesight…
me: I’m going blind!!!
me: I’m…yep, I’m blind!
AOLPolice: Stop.
me: AGGHGHGHGHG!!!!
me: H9HG3GH9Y3987GH9G3SHLHG22
The next day…
me: Thank goodness you’re back online! My eyesight has returned, but now my fingers are falling off!!!
AOLPolice: You seriously need to get a life.
me: Those are strong words, especially coming from someone so pathetic they spend their days trying to scam people out of their passwords.
me: By the way: My house is now on fire.
AOLPolice signed offline, never to return again.

Absurd Archive: Acting Audition

In a world before blogging, Twitter, Mybook or Facespace, there was America Online. And in that world, the questionable element of society would prey on unsuspecting innocents by pretending to be AOL employees. Their mission: To steal passwords. Years before I would go on to blog about very special and very stupid things, I made it my mission to toy with these criminal wannabes.

This was one of those times.

The Acting Audition
A random instant message pops up on my screen…
TOSadmin: Good afternoon. I am with America Online’s Terms of Service Department. Unfortunately, we believe your account might have been compromised. Please provide your password so we can confirm.
me: Excellent! I have a big audition tomorrow and I need to practice. Care to help me out? You pretend to be a hacker who is pretending to be an AOL employee, okay? Your motivation: You want my password. Me, I’m going to be playing the part of a guy minding his own business, who has some idiot IM him asking for his password. Ready?
me: Okay…ACTION!
TOSadmin: Very funny, sir. However, I really am an employee of AOL and I really do need to confirm your password.
me: But why do you need it? I don’t understand.
me: (You’re doing great! Very believable.)
TOSadmin: I need your password so I can confirm you are the proper owner of this account. Password theft has become a common issue lately, so AOL has its employees checking records and confirming identities.
me: But how can I be sure you are who you say you are? How do I know shenanigans aren’t afoot? I’ve been hurt so many times before. My heart! I don’t think my heart could take another wound!
me: (You’re nailing it, my friend! A less intelligent person would be convinced you really WERE an AOL employee!)
TOSadmin: Sir, this is not a joke. If you do not cooperate, I’m afraid your account will be terminated.
me: This is an outrage! I have done nothing wrong. I’m just a poor boy from the streets, trying to make a name for himself in this cold, cruel world.
me: WHY ME, GOD? WHY? AGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
me: (If this was the actual audition, this is where I’d start singing.)
TOSadmin: If you do not cooperate and give me your password, your account will be immediately terminated. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
me: Cry “havoc!” And let slip the dogs of war! That this foul deed shall smell above the
earth with carrion men, groaning for burial.
me: (That’s from Shakespeare. What do you think? Too unoriginal? Please, give me your honest
opinion. I can take it.)
TOSadmin: Sir, I do not have time for this. Yours is just one of hundreds of accounts I have to confirm today. Quit playing around and give me your password so we can each get on with our day.
me: What’s that? This role I’m auditioning for requires nudity? Oh no, no, no. I’m much too shy. No, I can’t. Well, so long as it’s tasteful…
TOSadmin: ENOUGH! JUST GIVE ME YOUR &@!% PASSWORD.
me: CUT! You’ve got to bring it down a little. Keep it real. Think DeNiro, not Pacino.
me: Okay…ACTION!
TOSadmin gets offline. Hopefully, he signed off so he could go join an acting class.

Hey everybody! Let’s cover ourselves in honey when we go camping!

by Bob Human, camping enthusiast

Hello, my fellow human beings! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I love to go camping in the woods. Is there anything as wonderful as driving out to some remote campsite for the weekend and ignoring those stupid “Caution: Bears in Area” signs?

The only thing I can think of that could possibly make the experience MORE enjoyable is smothering yourself in honey right before going to sleep at night!

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