With a blog title like this one, a backstory would probably be helpful, right? Right…
My brother, who loved cheese so much I’m pretty certain he dreamed of coagulation each night, has decided to become a vegan. Apparently, he watched a documentary on food that sickened him.
Initially, I assumed he accidentally saw a Michael Moore documentary and watched a scene of the walrus-shaped man eating a wild hog or something, but I was mistaken. He saw “Food, Inc.”, which showed animals being treated in less than humane ways. At least, I assume it did based on what my brother has told me. I haven’t seen it. I love food and would hate to ruin the mystery, you know?
So, anyway, he’s adopted the vegan lifestyle. Tonight, he was telling the story of someone who gave him a chicken biscuit for breakfast. At the same time, a trailer for a Nicolas Cage movie came on TV.
[BEGIN ACTUAL CONVERSATION]
Brother: “So I planned on just eating the biscuit and giving the chicken to [my dog]…”
Nicolas Cage hams it up on the television screen
Brother: “…but when I looked at the chicken, it sickened me. It actually sickened me to look at it.”
Nicolas Cage, playing a wizard or something, still somehow manages to overact in his scene
Me: “Would you rather eat chicken or watch a Nicolas Cage movie?”
Me: “You heard me. Eat chicken or watch Nicolas Cage?”
Brother: “I don’t want to do either.”
Nicolas Cage smiles at the camera and then says something unintelligible
Me: “Well, clearly. But if you had to choose, which would it be?”
Brother: “I wouldn’t eat chicken.”
Me: “So you would prefer Nicolas Cage? Interesting…”
Brother: “This is…”
Me: “Second question: Would you rather eat chicken or eat Nicolas Cage?”
Me: “You heard me. It’s a very simple question. Would you rather eat chicken or eat a stir-fry made out of Nicolas Cage meat?”
Brother: “That’s disgusting.”
Me: “Yes, I get it. You’re a vegan. Food is disgusting. Blah, blah, blah. Answer the question.”
Brother: “I am not eating a human.”
Me: “Ah, but see, we would kill him in the most humane way possible. That’s your hangup, right? That the animals aren’t treated humanely? Well, we’ll make sure Nicolas Cage dies peacefully in his sleep while lying on a mountain of pillows and Sara Bareilles singing lullabies into his ear.”
Me: “Come on, what do you say?”
Me: “Homemade lasagna with Nicolas Cage sauce.”
Me: “Green eggs and Nicolas Cage.”
Me: “A NCLT. That stands for ‘Nicolas Cage Lettuce and Tomato’, by the way.”
Yes, folks. This actually took place. I pray none of you were eating stir fry, lasagna, eggs, a BLT or any other food while reading this. I also pray all of you are able to get the mental image of eating Nicolas Cage out of your heads.
Still, if you think about it, this would prevent us from ever having to watch another one of his films…