Whether it’s a shy teenager or an awkward man in his forties who still lives in his parent’s basement, it warms my heart whenever I hear Cupid has struck someone in the buttocks with his pointy, rusty arrow. It brings out both the romantic and the doctor in me.
(By the way, you should probably go get a tetanus shot.)
Doug (may I call you Doug?), I am glad fate brought you to me. You see, I have never had difficulty striking up conversation with the ladies. In the first grade, I distinctly remember being tackled and held down against my will by virtually every girl in my class one day during recess. I don’t remember what I said to them, but it must have been very suave.
Because I am a giver, I’m going to help you. I am going to impart my knowhow to you, Doug. How does that sound?
The tears of joy inevitably streaming down your face right now brings me to my first tip, Doug: do not cry in front of the ladies. Television, movies, magazines and all that nonsense might have you believing ladies want a guy who is sensitive, but believe me when I say it isn’t true.
Ladies want a man who never cries. Ever.
If you are talking to a lady when three hundred bees proceed to swarm on you, you better not cry. It doesn’t matter if you are allergic to bee stings. If you cry, she will lose all respect for you.
If you are talking to a lady when an escaped lion from a zoo pounces on your back, you better not cry. She will go find a man who doesn’t cry when being mauled by zoo animals.
If you are talking to a lady when a senior citizen, mistaking you for someone she saw on America’s Most Wanted, sprays mace in your eyes, you better not cry. You better take the mace from her hand and spray HER with it just like a real man would do.
Another good tip is to make sure you have clean ears and fingernails. Girls pay attention to whether or not a guy has clean ears, Doug. Trust me. According to my own independent research, dirty ears is the number one reason for divorce in this country. It has surpassed financial issues, impotence, and Angelina Jolie for the top spot.
As for fingernails, well… that’s just sanitary.
My next tip would be to acquire some great skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills, Doug. Take me, for example. I am awesome. That is my skill. Other guys might have nun-chuck skills, bow-hunting skills or computer-hacking skills.
These are just examples. The important thing, Doug, is to acquire some kind of great skill. Ladies, especially classy ones, are going to ask you about your great skill within the first two minutes of meeting you. You better have a good answer.
Wearing a bluetooth headset on your ear is great for when you’re starting a conversation with a lady. Nothing, Doug, and I mean NOTHING, makes a lady weak in the knees quite like walking up to her while talking to an imaginary friend on your bluetooth, telling said imaginary friend you “have to go,” and then telling her, “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m wearing a bluetooth headset on my ear.”
It will be on like Donkey Kong, Doug.
Finally, the best advice I can give for starting a conversation with a lady is to seem aloof and indifferent to her. If you have met her before, pretend you do not remember her name. If you are meeting her for the first time, ask her for her name, but then proceed to call her by the wrong name for the rest of the conversation.
It sounds cruel, but it’s all about remaining a mystery, Doug. Why do you think O.J. Simpson is still, to this day, able to get women to date him? Because he is a mystery. Women are intrigued by the “will he or won’t he (kill me)” aura he has around him. They can’t figure him out, but they want to. They are willing to put their LIVES on the line to figure him out.
Now, Doug, obviously I am not suggesting you mimic O.J. Simpson. For one thing, O.J. would hunt you down and kill you for mimicking him. But mainly, I just don’t think you can pull off the “possible murderer” vibe, Doug. No offense.
“Guy who can’t remember my name” is totally within your limitations, though. In fact, I bet you could also pull off “guy who can’t remember where he knows me from” and “guy who goes days without bathing.”
Mystery, Doug. It’s all about remaining a mystery.
Good luck, buddy.
I know what you all are thinking: “That is the greatest advice EVER, Kevin.” Yes, yes I know. Still, what advice would YOU have given our pal Doug here? Leave a comment (or two or ten) with your tips and advice.