Category Archives: Best-Worst

It takes a very special post to be placed in the Best/Worst category of Special Kind of Stupid. By that I mean it must be at least 50 words in length and contain at least one reference to something.

Obama Secures 2016′s World Hamburger Eating Championship for Chicago

CHICAGO, IL – After several days of intense negotiations, President Barack Obama has announced that he has secured Krystal Square Off XIII for the city of Chicago.

“It is with great pride that I announce my hometown, the greatest city on earth, Chicago, will have the eyes of the world watching it in 2016,” beamed Obama to a group of confused reporters, who nonetheless swooned with adoration.

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Ritual Sacrifice Marred by Girl with John 3:16 Sign

The following is satire. In addition to referencing ritual sacrifice, it references both Sean Penn AND Whoopi Goldberg. Reader discretion is advised.

NANTUCKET ISLAND, MA – On the heels of news that cheerleaders at a Georgia high school had to be banned from displaying signs with Bible verses comes a similar, but even more disturbing incident.

On Tuesday, a high school student interrupted a school-sanctioned ritual sacrifice and Satanic orgy by holding up a “John 3:16″ sign.

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He’s All That (How Obama Won the Election)

CHICAGO, IL – Supporters of Barack Obama were left confused during Tuesday night’s victory celebration as Vice President-Elect Joe Biden stripped naked and ran across the stage while President-Elect Obama was speaking to the crowd of thousands.

Biden, still visibly embarrassed the following morning, explained the stunt was due to his having lost a bet to political commentator Keith Olbermann.

“It’s a long story,” noted Biden.

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Halloween Skankitis

It’s Halloween.

Time for pumpkins, kids in costumes, trick or treating, and candy. It is also time for the annual outbreak of what researchers have named “Halloween Skankitis.”

Halloween Skankitis is an epidemic that used to only inflict females between the ages of 18 and 35, but now reaches females of all ages.

It’s a disease that infects woman who are oftentimes perfectly normal the rest of the year.

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Welcome to Socialism 101

Did everyone get a copy of the syllabus? Good. What’s that, Suzie? The boys sitting in the back didn’t get a syllabus?

Boys, why didn’t you grab a copy of the syllabus when you walked in? What do you mean you don’t give a rip if you pass the class or not? Actually, never mind. Here is a syllabus for each of you.

Class, I am your professor. My name is Dr. Kevin O’Bama. Yes, it’s an Irish name. Why do you ask, Suzie?

Anyway, this is Socialism 101. I don’t believe I am exaggerating in the least when I say this class will change your life.

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Single, Awesome Male Seeks Single, Awesome Female

I’m single and — let’s face it — not getting any younger. I might put my pants on one awesome leg at a time, but I’ve been making that old man sound when I get up from a chair for over a decade now. The words, “those darn teenage drivers” have crossed my lips many, many times. And on a lot of days, I fantasize about leaving work early, going home and taking a nap.

Since this website receives several handfuls of visitors each day, I thought it might be a good idea to take advantage of its popularity and showcase myself to the single ladies of cyberspace.

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Prince Attacked, Assailant Still At Large

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – Fans of music, diminutive celebrities, the color purple, and pants with the butt cut out of them were shocked by the news Prince (pictured) was savagely beaten over the weekend near his home in Minneapolis.

The 5’2 tall singer of such hits as “1999,” “When Doves Cry” and “I am a Little T-pot” was playing on the merry-go-round at a local park when he was approached by an unidentified assailant wearing snake skin cowboy boots and tapered jeans.

“The guy looked like he was asking for his autograph or something,” said witness Lowell Mather. “Next thing you know he had picked Prince up by his feet and started spinning him round and round. I didn’t know what to make of it all.”

Other witnesses to the attack were equally baffled as to what they were witnessing.

“At first, I thought they were playing,” fellow witness Roy Biggins remarked.

“When he threw Prince in the air, I thought he was going to catch him. He had his arms stretched out and everything. But then he pulled his arms back at the last second and Prince fell to the ground head first. Then he began kicking him. It was awful.”

As the assailant pulled rubber bands out of his pocket and began shooting them at the helpless singer, bystanders began to wonder if they should break up the squabble.

“Hindsight is 20/20, but I honestly thought they were playing a game,” said Antonio Scarpacci, a taxi cab driver with a clear view of the attack.

“The guy kept saying something about how this would make a great post for his blog. I think he was, how do you say, smoking the pot.”

Asked for comment as he was leaving the emergency room, a bruised Prince replied, “I just don’t understand what took those idiots so long to get that guy off of me.

“What were they waiting for?! The guy was shooting freakin’ rubber bands at me!”

Police have released the following sketch drawing (left) of the unidentified assailant. He is described as a dashingly handsome, fashion savvy man in his late 20s. He can be identified by a very smug-looking smile, a boorish attitude, and his tendency to take pictures with his head tilted sideways.

If you have any information on this case, please contact the authorities at 1-800-555-KEVDIDIT.

The above is a repost (and slight revision) of the very first “fake news” story I ever wrote. It originally debuted at my old blog on May 31, 2006.

How to Open a Conversation With a Lady

Today’s installment of Dear Reader goes out to a shy lad from Huntington Beach, California. At 11:32 pm PST on July 14, 2008, this special visitor stumbled upon this site after typing the following into a search engine:

“how to open conversation with a lady”

A big thanks to Google for referring this individual, and a bigger thanks to KathyF for writing the guest blog post that ultimately led him to SKOS. Thanks to you, this young lad is able to get the help he desperately needs and only I can provide.

Dear Reader,

Whether it’s a shy teenager or an awkward man in his forties who still lives in his parent’s basement, it warms my heart whenever I hear Cupid has struck someone in the buttocks with his pointy, rusty arrow. It brings out both the romantic and the doctor in me.

(By the way, you should probably go get a tetanus shot.)

Doug (may I call you Doug?), I am glad fate brought you to me. You see, I have never had difficulty striking up conversation with the ladies. In the first grade, I distinctly remember being tackled and held down against my will by virtually every girl in my class one day during recess. I don’t remember what I said to them, but it must have been very suave.

Because I am a giver, I’m going to help you. I am going to impart my knowhow to you, Doug. How does that sound?

The tears of joy inevitably streaming down your face right now brings me to my first tip, Doug: do not cry in front of the ladies. Television, movies, magazines and all that nonsense might have you believing ladies want a guy who is sensitive, but believe me when I say it isn’t true.

Ladies want a man who never cries. Ever.

If you are talking to a lady when three hundred bees proceed to swarm on you, you better not cry. It doesn’t matter if you are allergic to bee stings. If you cry, she will lose all respect for you.

If you are talking to a lady when an escaped lion from a zoo pounces on your back, you better not cry. She will go find a man who doesn’t cry when being mauled by zoo animals.

If you are talking to a lady when a senior citizen, mistaking you for someone she saw on America’s Most Wanted, sprays mace in your eyes, you better not cry. You better take the mace from her hand and spray HER with it just like a real man would do.

Another good tip is to make sure you have clean ears and fingernails. Girls pay attention to whether or not a guy has clean ears, Doug. Trust me. According to my own independent research, dirty ears is the number one reason for divorce in this country. It has surpassed financial issues, impotence, and Angelina Jolie for the top spot.

As for fingernails, well… that’s just sanitary.

My next tip would be to acquire some great skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills, Doug. Take me, for example. I am awesome. That is my skill. Other guys might have nun-chuck skills, bow-hunting skills or computer-hacking skills.

These are just examples. The important thing, Doug, is to acquire some kind of great skill. Ladies, especially classy ones, are going to ask you about your great skill within the first two minutes of meeting you. You better have a good answer.

Wearing a bluetooth headset on your ear is great for when you’re starting a conversation with a lady. Nothing, Doug, and I mean NOTHING, makes a lady weak in the knees quite like walking up to her while talking to an imaginary friend on your bluetooth, telling said imaginary friend you “have to go,” and then telling her, “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m wearing a bluetooth headset on my ear.”

It will be on like Donkey Kong, Doug.

Finally, the best advice I can give for starting a conversation with a lady is to seem aloof and indifferent to her. If you have met her before, pretend you do not remember her name. If you are meeting her for the first time, ask her for her name, but then proceed to call her by the wrong name for the rest of the conversation.

It sounds cruel, but it’s all about remaining a mystery, Doug. Why do you think O.J. Simpson is still, to this day, able to get women to date him? Because he is a mystery. Women are intrigued by the “will he or won’t he (kill me)” aura he has around him. They can’t figure him out, but they want to. They are willing to put their LIVES on the line to figure him out.

Now, Doug, obviously I am not suggesting you mimic O.J. Simpson. For one thing, O.J. would hunt you down and kill you for mimicking him. But mainly, I just don’t think you can pull off the “possible murderer” vibe, Doug. No offense.

“Guy who can’t remember my name” is totally within your limitations, though. In fact, I bet you could also pull off “guy who can’t remember where he knows me from” and “guy who goes days without bathing.”

Mystery, Doug. It’s all about remaining a mystery.

Good luck, buddy.

Kev

I know what you all are thinking: “That is the greatest advice EVER, Kevin.” Yes, yes I know. Still, what advice would YOU have given our pal Doug here? Leave a comment (or two or ten) with your tips and advice.